Okay, I'm gonna try again.... please add

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Okay, I'm gonna try again.... please add
10
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:16pm

Please add your 2 cents!

I'm really still new at this, and I am chalking my first experience up to inexperience. But I don't wanna screw up the next... and the next.. etc.

SO, let's start at the very beginning. Ya get an icebreaker or an email or whatever it's called for you. Okay, so how long is best to wait before replying? I'm sure there are no steadfast rules, but what's your experience been?

Then, should I assume that perhaps emailing (or returning phone calls) on a Friday night or Saturday night would be a no-no?

Then, with YP there's this thing where it says how long since the person has been 'active'. What's your opinion on that? I mean, is it good to let it get to "3 days" once in a while? I just don't want to seem too "interested", ya know?

Okay, so believe me, I am SO NOT into playing THE "GAME", but it appears as though there are some basic things that may help.

OR, do these things just not matter at ALL in your experiences?

THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Jayme

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:24pm

I don't think any of this matters. If I have time, and feel like, responding to an email right away, I do. More often than not, though, I am busy with other things and take a day or two.

I really think you're overthinking this. It's like the whole Rules thing of pretending to be unavailable. Don't pretend, BE unavailable because you're out living your life! Same with online dating...don't do things just for the sake of doing them, but if you're living your life, you won't have TIME to be active every day, etc.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:30pm

Yeah, I have a pretty crappy social life right now and really do NOT have those gazillion things going on, so that's why I thought of it.....

thanks for the tip. Perhaps I shall check out the local library again, or better yet, maybe check out a few in some surrounding areas.... now THERE'S a thought! Think I'll save that for Saturday night ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:38pm

Jayme...


Pianoguy doesn't believe in keeping people "hanging around"----so if he sees your message, he'll try and respond within 24 hours (or sooner).

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:21am

I follow the Golden Rule. What would I like if I had sent the email/ice beaker/tease/wink, whatever you want to call it?

My personal belief is to acknowledge all email/ice breaker/tease/wink that are sent my way. And I prefer to send them sooner rather than later. Even if it's a "No, thank you." I actually got a thank you response the other day from a guy I sent a "no thank you" too because I didn't just blow it off.

Nothing irks me more than to know that someone has opened my email/tease/ whatever, but doesn't respond.

I think if you are interested, ANSWER THEM!! Don't play games. Who cares if you send an email during the weekend or the middle of the week? If the guy took the time to acknowledge you and you are interested, acknowledge him back. What have you got to lose? If he's "bothered" by your "quick" response, then he's not the guy for you. Imagine if this great guy sends you an email, but you wait 3,4,5 days to answer and by then he's already started cooresponding with someone who took the time to answer his email right away.

Do what you feel is right, throw the "rules" out the window.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:36am

>>Okay, so how long is best to wait before replying?...

Then, should I assume that perhaps emailing (or returning phone calls) on a Friday night or Saturday night would be a no-no?...

Okay, so believe me, I am SO NOT into playing THE "GAME"...<<

Liar!

(A good percentage of the time that someone says "so believe me", they're about to say something that shouldn't be believed! And before someone else gets all upset and gets themself booted from the board, I mean "liar" in the nicest way possible, like "girlfriend, you are LYING to us!")

You are TOTALLY trying to "play the game"! Why else would you be worried about how long to wait before replying, or whether you should email or call on a Friday or Saturday?

It's TOTALLY the game. Don't be trying to snow us, we know better! LOL

Seriously. I'm not saying that it's all bad; there's actually (gasp) some pretty good reasons for some of that whole "The Rules" gamesmanship.

I even agree with some of "The Rules"- like setting a deadline for when a guy has to line something up for the weekend, because you don't want to be that girl that's just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring with his call. (But it's not for the appearance- it's because you should have a more full life, and genuinely be out doing something that enriches your life!)

HOWEVER... I believe that the reason for doing some of those things should NOT be to try and create something in the guy's head.

See, IMO, the problem with that whole "game" and "The Rules" is that it's based on the idea that women can manipulate men. Well, they can, but it's not a very nice thing to do, and ultimately you cannot control the thoughts/feelings that are in another person's head.

So ask yourself- why are you thinking you shouldn't call/email on a Friday? Why are you thinking that you should go a few days between logins? Why are you thinking about how long you should wait until emailing someone back?

The answer to all of these questions, I believe (and I could be wrong- I often am) is that you don't want to "look desperate" to a guy.

You're trying to control his thoughts and feelings, and that's a recipie (sp?) for disaster.

My strong suggestion, to both men and women, is to just BE YOURSELF. If you're not, then you're being someone else, and that means you're being a phony.

If you email a lot, answer his email or wink when you feel like it. Be polite. If you have time to do it on your next time online, do it then. If you don't, don't.

If you are online on a Friday night, email people if you feel like emailing them. Call them or answer their call when you feel like it.

Life would be a lot easier in the dating world if we weren't all sitting around trying to outthink one another and were just being ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:30am

*blush* okay, ya got me.

See, here's the thing. Remember that I *tried* doing it that way!!! The "do what ya feel" way. And what's his name.... pianodude? (luv ya (-:) he posted back to me that I seemed to come across desperate. And I appreciate the honesty! But so NOW there's this NEW person that contacted me, and I really like his profile, and I just don't wanna screw it up!!!

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 10:26am

I'm right there with the rest... just chill, babe.

I've been thinking about this idea of "playing games" - but to some degree dating IS a game without any one set of rules. They're more like guidelines. And a lot of it is common sense.

You want to let someone get a sense of your personality, but don't reveal too much personal info right away - you never know who might turn out to be a creepy stalker. On the flip side, too much info may simply scare someone off as it does make you appear overeager or even desperate. Or too trusting & naive, which someone could easily take advantage of.

Go ahead and write back, but keep it light & simple. Just let him know you're curious to know more, maybe ask a question or two based on his profile, and let it go. You can mention that you're working on getting a picture up within the next few days. If he's got "conversation starters" attached to his profile, answer one of his questions. Keep in mind if he only sent an icebreaker, he's probably not a paying member, so if you're comfortable with giving him an email address go for it.

And then just see what happens. Hopefully you've read some previous discussions here and you know that probably 75% of contacts never make it past the first message. High expectations set you up for disappiontment, so really, don't overanalyze it. Just send something simple and don't even give it another thought until/unless you hear back from him. Easier said than done, right? But that's really how it goes.

Feel free to keep us posted, you'll get plenty of realistic feedback to keep you on track as you navigate this crazy little world of OLD. I'm pretty new too but these folks have great advice & you can learn a lot from their experience.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:34am

Yes, please Jayme - take a deep breath! :-)

Please also remember that 9 times out of 10 (or probably 9 and a half times!) you didn't "screw it up". But yes, desperation is not attractive so just be friendly and cheerful without being overeager. I will admit that when I get a reply to one of my emails within the same hour of sending it, I am a little taken aback but I don't let it be a dealbreaker. I would suggest responding back within 24-48 hours within receiving a wink and to check your YP/Match profile as often as you want. I think the profiles that have been active within a certain amount of time get more traffic than those that are idle even for a few days. It is not looking desperate, it is being proactive. I also personally hate it when someone waits a long time (even a few days) to respond. I just had a guy on eHarmony respond after 3 WEEKS! I have let my account go inactive in that time and don't recall him being all that anyway. But it makes me feel like they had a bigger, better deal and when that fell through, they came back to the consolation prize. If you are interested, let the guy know you are interested!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 8:48pm

>>But so NOW there's this NEW person that contacted me, and I really like his profile, and I just don't wanna screw it up!!!<<

Okay, here's where I think you might have a problem area.

See, you're talking about "it" as though "it" already exists. "It" being some kind of relationship, or something.

The problem with that is that there IS NO "IT". Not yet, anyway.

Think about it. What do you have to screw up? A relationship? Nope, you're talking about a guy who (so far) you haven't even met in person. There's no relationship to "screw up" there... yet.

Do you like HIM? Until you've met and gone out a few times, you can't even answer THAT question fairly, IMO! You don't know him- you only know his profile.

Step off the gas pedal and accept that the odds are this is not The Guy. You don't know anything about whether or not he is or isn't.

There's no "it" to screw up. If you go into things with that mindsight, a lighthearted one that doesn't put inappropriate expectations and demands on yourself, you'll wind up doing better than if you go in thinking "Man, this one is great, I better not mess it up."

As vexer said, odds are when things don't work out it's not really a blame thing anyway- it's just how things are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:44pm

Very insightful on your part :) Thank you.

will probably save and re-read that one from time to time. thanks for the help! I'm very glad I found you all here.... methinks I've "progressed" faster than if I had not have found this place.

And everyone is VERY straightforward "say it like it is" too (at least when replying to me! LOL!).

I'm impressed.

J.