Curveball. Make that two of em.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Curveball. Make that two of em.
8
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:20am

UGH! Just when I think I'm starting to get it, I realize that I have a lllooonnnggg way to go!!!

Curveball #1: okay, i got "middle of the road" dresssed up and got a few shots and sent them. So, here I am expecting to log on to email, getting a message back either way, or nothing, whatever. But if it's a message, I was expecting either a "starting a conversation" one or a "bye bye" one. What do I get? A curveball. A note asking to talk via phone, when I know next to NOTHING about this person. Now, I'm sort of the private type and VERY selective about who I give my number out to. So what should I do???

Curveball #2: this one may be simpler, but new for me. I get a note from someone saying that he likes my picture and is "adding me to his instant messanger list, let's chat". Okay, what does that mean!? What would be the next step for #1, someone who has IM? and #2 someone who does NOT have IM?

This is like TMTF (too much too fast) for me. Think I'm gonna take a small break for a while....

OOOHHH NOOOO! I just thought of something though....

BUT THEN, what happens if I take down my profile!?!? I mean, the ones that I currently like, if they see I am taking down my profile, they may think that I am being to presumptious about something starting with them, for me to take down the profile.

ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:37am

Simple. Tell them where you stand. This is about your comfort level too. Tell them both that you prefer to email for a short while and then move onto the the phone or whatever is comfortable for you. But I agree with most posters here... move to an in person meeting as soon as possible. Like LG has said anyone can be witty via email or IM. You really do not know anything until you meet in person.


Michele
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:42am

Thanks!

Is there something I missed on the general guidelines page about when to meet in person? When you say "right away", approximately when and why?

Do I thusly fall into the "want to email for a while" category that LG was referring to? The type to avoid because I don't want to rush out and talk via phone, or meet in person so quickly?

To me, emailing for a week, then a call or two (lasting roughly another week or two), followed by meeting in person would work out just fine. Could you tell me: Is my comfort level on the slow side versus the norm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:47am

Take control of the situation by knowing in advance what direction you want to take.

Most typically I've seen it this way.

1. A couple emails. No more than 3
2. Girl calls boy with her number blocked or only cell number displayed. This can be one or two calls. If by the end of call two there is no invitation for date pull rip cord and stop all contact (unless your objective is an email buddy - which if that's the case cancel your dating site memberships because you don't need the site to get email buddies).
3. Short coffee meeting at a location convenient to the girl
4. If the person is agreeable a one or two line max followup thank you email to say that you had a good time. If no invitation for a date is forethcoming stop contact unless you are looking for endless email and IM as in #2 above.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:08am

THANK YOU lg!!! That's exactly the sort of thing that I have been looking for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So do you think it's appropriate then to reply to a *first* email that asks to speak on the phone by saying, "no thanks, let's email first for a while"? Or is that sort of rude on my part? Or is there a better way to do that?

Like maybe by saying, "sure, we could talk by phone, but could you tell me more about yourself first?"

what do you think?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:25am

1. It's fine to say, "I'd be more comfortable exchanging a few more emails before we talk on the phone." Then, ask the *specific* questions you feel you need to know the answers to before you feel comfortable talking to him ("tell me about yourself" is NOT the way to go...ask questions based on his profile).

2. I would advise against chatting. My experience has been that men who are into chatting are either not interested in meeting (they just seem to want to chat with as many women as possible) and/or they want you to view their webcam and/or have cyber sex (and I think most women on this board have had similar experiences). I would just say something like, "I'm not much on IM'ing, but I'd be happy to exchange a few emails and then speak on the phone and see if it makes sense for us to meet for coffee".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 2:29pm
I agree with Sheri and LG --- the issue with emailing for too long is you wind up investing too much time, often for naught. you can't tell anything at all about whether you'll get along with the person until you meet. so it doesn't really serve much of a purpose and feeds into the all-too-familiar inflated expectations. you can ask for HIS number and then block yours when you call him, as LG said, if you're not comfortable giving yours out. But the whole purpose of this venue is to find somebody to DATE, right? So get out there and DATE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 7:36pm

>>A note asking to talk via phone, when I know next to NOTHING about this person. Now, I'm sort of the private type and VERY selective about who I give my number out to. So what should I do???<<

Okay, that one is easy. Get HIS number and then call him from your (blocked) phone.

And personally, I have to think that a guy who wants to talk to you on the phone- that's a good sign. Email is okay, and it's certainly time-management convenient, but a phone call is a better way to communicate with someone. You can learn in 10 minutes on the phone what might take you a couple of hours' worth of emailing back and forth, because almost everyone talks faster than they type.
.

>>I get a note from someone saying that he likes my picture and is "adding me to his instant messanger list, let's chat".<<

Another easy one. These aren't curveballs; you just don't recognize these pitches because you're new to this league. :)

It means he likes your picture, and he is adding you to his IM list, and he wants to chat with you.

Remember when I said to not overthink things and not worry about what other people think? This kind of post is EXACTLY what I mean. Look at what you're asking about:

You're stressing out over a guy who wants to call you (when you were expecting something else) and you're stressing over a guy who said he thinks you're cute and wants to IM chat with you.

These are generally considered to be Good Things. :)

Quit stressing. Get #1's phone #, give him a buzz sometime, see what he's like. If he's still into you I bet he asks for a first meeting (date) on that first phone call, and I think you should go ahead and go.

If you like to IM chat, do so with #2. Personally I'm not a big IM chat guy in this forum; I'll do it all the time with friends of mine, but for trying to get to know someone as a potential romantic partner it kind of stinks. I suggest trading more email with #2 instead, or getting HIS number and giving him a call.

The LAST thing you should worry about is what these guys think if you take down your profile or leave it up.

You do NOT owe them an explanation if you choose to do so; if they ask, feel free to tell them that you don't like continually getting email and attention, that you've got some potential dates already (including them), and you are quite happy where you're at for now.

Finally, something ELSE I noticed in your posting here- you haven't mentioned, one time, about either guy, what you think about THEM. You're not talking about what they look like (cute to you or not) or whether you like their emails or personalities or anything.

You're worrying about them and what they THINK about you.

Once again, you cannot control what they think about you. Therefore, worrying about it is a complete waste of your time and energy. Don't do it! Save that energy for yourself! :)

Instead, just focus on being you, focus on having fun, focus on not putting all these expectations on these guys (#1 has already thrown you for a loop because he didn't match up to your expectations and you haven't even met him yet!) and just relax.

Many of us have been doing OLD for months or years; the odds that either one of these guys is going to be your One True Love are slim and none. (It could happen, which would be pretty cool, but it's against the odds.)

Given that, relax, have fun. You've got a bit of a journey in front of you and starting off all bugged and stressed is not a good way to begin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 8:53am

I just think this is an excellent post on so many levels, NG.

I followed your advice, and sure enough, that first phone call led to asking about a "first meet", which is later this morning for coffee.

I am glad to be thinking of it as a "first meet" rather than a date, due to LG (ty) and you (ty). My only red flag is that it's with the person whos profile writing didn't match the emails. And that just happens to be the same one who jumped right in to the phone call, followed quickly by a first meet. So we'll see. It's a different 'route' to get there, vs my previous experience, and also vs my expectations....

As far as what I think about them, well, I'm sort of *really* picky with my scans at this point.... so it basically eliminates a lot of what's out there. I guess then that means that I will give them "potential" for a first date! OMG!!! I think I'm finally learning to not get all "I really like this guy" before I even go on a first date! That's a good sign, yes?

I have also decided to skip the IM thing with OLD. Doesn't seem to take people down the correct path most of the time.

I think there should be some sort of a flow chart for OLD, don't you? .... there's another idea! I'll bet that could be done!!! What do you think?

<<>> WOW! Wish I had that advice given to me more often about stuff.... and years ago!!!

TY