Met guy online- distance problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Met guy online- distance problem
14
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:13pm

Hello everybody! I just posted this same post on dating doyenne because I didnt see there was a board that had to do with my question!! Blonde moment- Ha- well Ill get on with it.

I met a guy online- Ive been talking to him for about a year now. However- big problem! Distance!!! And when I say distance, I mean distance!!!
He lives in Ireland and I live here in the states- but it wasnt a big deal for me at the time because I wasnt all that attractive to him in his pictures- Im kinda superficial like that. We both werent looking for anything out of our conversations- just a long distance friendship, however- ironicly through conversation, we just both found out that his cousin-(whom had moved to the States a year and a half ago) lives 5 miles from me in the next town!!!!

Now delema- hes coming out to visit his cousin and me in March over Pattys day.
We talked on the phone yesterday and sparks flew for the first time on both ends!!!!
I dont know how to explain it but now I have the personality with the face and thats what made my heart leap! Never had this kind of chemistry spark with anyone before. I mean I could not believe I could have this kind of an attraction after one telephone conversation! Now Im scared. I somehow have to distance myself from him while hes out here because I dont want to have a long distance relationship by all means!

What do I do now? Im the one who got myself into this mess of talking to somebody that could be potentially one of the greatest guys but, IRELAND- give me a break, why god? why? ha ha! Has anyone here had a situation like mine arise and what did you do or for those who havent- what would you do? Its crazy because hes the first one that Ive ever had a connection with that has had his head screwed on straight! ha! And probrably the first non don juan Ive ever been attracted to with my shallow side. I think I just fell in love with his personality and outlook on life, moral values are similar to mine- etc.
But Ireland- Oh dear Ireland, home of my ansestors and home to him. Sucks! Somebody give me advice here- Help me!!! thanks stacy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:23pm

Stacy by my calendar we're approximately 51 weeks too late to give you any actionable advice.


Is he going to move to the States?


Are you moving to Ireland?


Or is this just a convenient way to avoid a real live relationship?


Somewhere within the 3 questions is your answer. First you have to meet him in person. Be prepared for reality to wash over your email fantasy - which is what I think you're really inquiring about. Fantasy is about to end and real life will begin. Let us know how it works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:40pm

>>I dont know how to explain it but now I have the personality with the face and thats what made my heart leap! Never had this kind of chemistry spark with anyone before. I mean I could not believe I could have this kind of an attraction after one telephone conversation!<<

That's because you CANNOT have some miraculous, incredible, wonderful chemistry with someone over the phone.

Remember high school? Chemistry class? To make something explode or burn or change colors, you had to physically MIX a couple of things, right?

Well, I think that's how it works in real life, too. You just can't have a chemistry spark with someone you haven't met in person.

What you CAN have is some emotional connection, some intellectual connection, get along well in conversation, and so forth.

But what you'll notice is that those things are not about the other person; they're internal things to YOU.

In other words, it's not chemistry you have with this guy; what you are having right now is inside of your own head. It's not really him you're into; it's the IDEA of him that you have built up in your head.

What does this mean? It means step back, take a nice deep breath, and relax. :)

Tell yourself that you are delighted to get a chance to meet him, but THAT is the time when you will see if there is any actual "chemistry" between the two of you. That is when you'll see how he looks in person, how he talks, how he holds himself, how he treats you and others.

It's WAY too early to be worrying about "I can't have a relationship with someone in Ireland". And don't be silly- if it does turn out to be true love, in the future, then one of you will move. Or both. That's just how it is done. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:28am
Geez... you just talked with him for the first time on the phone and already concerned about "me moving over there" or "he moving here"??? YOU give us a break!! I did meet my date 5 times so far in person and I still haven't figured out if I like him a lot or not. Long way to figure out if he's the right guy or not! If it makes you so freakin nervous, as you say, why don't you come up with a silly excuse like you have to go on a business trip or something? There's a bunch of excuses to make in order to avoid the meeting. There's nothing to get confused about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 6:49am

Board members, all together now:

THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

YOU HAVE A PEN PAL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 7:51am

Newbie posters - all together now:

"BUT MY SITUATION IS VERY UNIQUE. I KNOW FOR MOST OTHER PEOPLE THE LAW OF NATURE APPLIES BUT I SIMPLY DON'T THINK IT DOES IN MY CASE. IT'S SO PERFECT"

...flashfoward 2 months

"...THAT MISERABLE SOB WAS A PLAYER/DATING 8 WOMEN/MARRIED/HIT ON MY MOM/ ETC...."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 7:54am

oops - forgot an ending:

"WELL, YOU ALL WERE RIGHT. WE MET UP IN PERSON AND (pick one or all of them) THERE WAS NO CHEMISTRY/ HE ATE WITH HIS FEET / PINNED ME AGAINST MY CAR AND PUT HIS TONGUE IN MY MOUTH / HAD OBNOXIOUS BO / NEVER ONCE LOOKED AT ME / LEFT THE MEETING WITHIN 5 MINUTES WITHOUT SETTING OR ASKING ABOUT A DATE"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 1:39pm

or this ending:

HE ASKED ME TO INVEST IN A SURE-FIRE NIGERIAN GOLD MINE...SHOULD I DO IT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 2:52pm

Hi Guys,

Just keep in mind that although she may be caught up in the fantasy, the disappointment and confusion that comes along with the situation feels very real and can be heart wrenching if you don't have the experience to navigate it.

GM

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:18pm

Exactly. Practice makes perfect or wiser when it comes to on line dating encounters.

Odd's are the two won't have real life chemistry once they meet and if they do odd's are they will talk about a possible relationship maybe even have one or two vacations and then reality will set in, neither wants to leave their country so you go back to..... I used to have this pen pal....

LDR's are hard enough when someone lives 45 min's to an hour away but not an entire country....I like to keep things real personally.

People who are new to on line dating don't really get that unfortunately....live and learn.

Good luck either way.

The Peanut

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:41pm
Yeah... I'm trying to be nice and friendly just like many others who always give good suggestions to my problems, but my honest impression is she's in love with love. been there, done that..

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