49 year old man still single - good art.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
49 year old man still single - good art.
3
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:53pm

Great article; 49 year old man still single; is something wrong or not? The answer might surprise you!

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=3050&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&GT1=6164

Dear Rachel,
I started dating a fantastic guy two months ago. He is 49 and never married. All my friends warned me that there must be something wrong with him. How can a man reach that age and not have found his mate? My friends tossed around all the usual possibilities as they guessed what could be wrong with him: Is he a commitment-phobe? Is he emotionally unavailable? Is he a mama’s boy? Is he a workaholic? Is he gay? Nevertheless, I started dating him and find him to be warm, attentive, kind, funny, and we have great chemistry. However, I can’t get my friends’ warnings out of my head. I’ve asked him in a roundabout way why he’s still single, and he told me that he just hasn’t found the right person yet. Is that possible, or is my relationship doomed?
- Julie in Pittsburgh

Dear Julie,
Your friends’ guessing game sounds very jaded and cynical. Let me guess: your friends are all single and have been hurt before by a man who didn’t commit to them? It’s natural to be jaded and cynical when you’ve been “burned” before by an older single guy (as your friends may have been), but that is a terrible cycle that you must resist. If you take a risk on loving someone whose profile is “suspect,” and it doesn’t work out, try very hard not to get cynical about love and wary about taking chances. No one is attracted to a jaded and cynical person, and no one ever finds their mate by standing on the sidelines and avoiding risky situations. It becomes a bad cycle.

Of course I’ve heard all the stereotypes of the “never-married older guys” and seen many cases where those labels have proven true. But I have also seen many cases (and attended weddings!) where a genuinely wonderful man has simply not found the right woman yet, and rather than settle, or marry someone only to get divorced later, he has waited. And the same holds true for never-married older women, obviously!

You should also consider that priorities change for people over time. While he may have been “afraid of commitment” in the past, or a “workaholic,” he may have reached an age now where he realizes that he wants a commitment and family and all the ensuing benefits. Especially when he meets someone who makes him feel that way. Sometimes it’s like a switch just gets flipped and that “terminal bachelor” walks down the aisle to everyone’s surprise. Whatever the real reason about why he is still single, you should allow for the possibility that attitudes and priorities can change over time.

Should you stay in a relationship more than six months with a 49-year-old man who doesn’t demonstrate with actions that he is serious about you? No. Should you be cautious and look for warning signs that he is a terminal bachelor? Yes. Should you have honest conversations about his past relationships and feelings about marriage now? Absolutely. But should you stay away from a wonderful man simply because his age and marital status are “suspect?” Definitely not.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 5:03pm

SP-I think this is an excellent post...especially on the wings of several other poster's lately.

Thanks for Sharing.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 9:08pm
I have a tough time with the 6 month rule. Do you think it means there should be a marriage proposal after 6 months? I got engaged after six months only to call the wedding off a month later. Everything changed after he knew we were going to get married. I don't feel you really know someone withnin that time frame. But I guess after 6 months if you are still only going out with him on Wednesday evenings, then you should probably cut the relationship or the dates off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 12:15am
yes i think thats what they mean by serious. That he is committed to you and you are working towards something. NOt meaning engagment right away but you have the same goals, and you are more committed serious w/eachother/spending more time together etc.