New and going crazy...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-06-2005 - 9:22pm |
Hi all,
I'm new to the board and fairly new to online dating. Back in November, I started talking with David, a guy I had met in a chat room-the conversation is still going to this day. We hit it off and not long after he asked me out.
I wanted to go on a date with him and would have if Mom didn't have such a problem with meeting people from the net. I couldn't go out and have her worrying about me all night so I called it off. David understood but now I'm kicking myself 'cause it's been nothing but a struggle with him and I ever since. He tried asking me out again for New Years but this time it was him backing out. He said the thought of going on a date freaked him out...
I'm 23, Canadian, he's 26, American. He lives about an hour and a half away. The big issue with David is that he was married for 5 years. His favorite word to use when describing himself is "jaded". The relationship ended about year ago and while he may be over the ex, he's still "messed" up from it. I guess it wasn't peaches and cream between them and now he's insecure or "damaged goods" he once said to me.
I have strong feelings for him online (I know online and in person are two totally different things). I know he has feelings for me too but he's so scared to make the next move yet he makes little hints like he wants to, "when you come visit me" or "bring the movie over here..."
I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I feel that it's up to him, he's the one not ready but how long should I wait? He knows that I want to do this or I would say something but I don't want to push it anymore. We're stuck and I really don't want to keep this up at the risk of feeling more when we haven't even met. We could meet and not click in person like we do online and all my energy and time I had invested in this would be wasted but I can't seem to walk away. I'm scared the moment I decide to let go will be the moment he decides to set his insecurities aside.
Please, any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
TIA,
~Krista

>>I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I feel that it's up to him, he's the one not ready but how long should I wait?<<
Krista...
Three things spring to mind. First of all, for crying out loud, why are you letting your mom run YOUR life? If you want to meet someone in person that you met online, you need to do that. If it makes her unhappy, well, that's HER problem, not yours.
Frankly, I personally would not have a lot of patience for someone that allowed their mother to emotionally manipulate them that way. And make no mistake about it- that is exactly what she is doing, whether she's doing it consciously and intentionally, or unconsciously.
Second, you're talking about this like you have a meaningful relationship with this guy. YOU DO NOT HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. You haven't met in person; to you, he exists only as pixels on a computer screen, maybe as a disembodied voice on the telephone.
Third, why do you have to "wait" at all? You seem to want to play the "what if" game, like "what if he's the right one for me" or "what if he gets over his problems right as I'm bailing out"...
Well, what if Mr Right is immediately under your nose, but you miss out on him because of a pseudo-relationship with an anxiety-ridden guy that you initially passed on, not because of your own feelings but because you decided to let your mom's feelings rule YOUR life?
THAT is a pretty pathetic "what if", in my opinion.
There is good news here, though. (Now that I've probably ticked you off beyond all reason.)
The good news is that you are thinking about it. I suspect you already know the answers you're going to get. Here is what I think you should do:
A) Get your Canadianbackbaconbutt out there and date anyone and everyone who catches your fancy. Even, maybe, someone who doesn't exactly catch it, but you give it a shot just for the heck of it and for fun! :)
B) Tell David to s**t or get off the pot. Or do it yourself- point blank, ask him out, and if he says "no" or waffles in any way, MOVE ON, because he's not into you.
(Note: See a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" if you have any questions on this point. If you haven't read this book yet, or God forbid if for some reason Canadians haven't heard of it, move to America immediately and get with the program. No, David's excuse of "I'm damaged goods" is not unique; no, it shouldn't stop him a bit if he's really into you.)
C) Quit letting your mother's insecurities rule your life. If you're anything like the rest of us, you have more than enough insecurities of your own to deal with; you don't need Mom's, too! :)
D) Keep reading and posting here on iVillage. And welcome. OLD sucks but the alternative sucks more, so we all struggle to make the best of it. :)
The other two posters had excellent answers.
I'd just like to add one more thing. You CANNOT fix him. You CANNOT save him. Your love will NOT be the love to rescue him from his feelings about divorce. I'm sorry I sound so harsh, but it's better you hear it now. Please recognize and remember that, if this "relationship" moves forward.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.
Thanks for the reality check, as harsh as it is it's true.
It may have come across that way in my post but I DO realize that all David is is "pixels on a screen" and no, I'm not trying to save him. I was going to take the direct approach lastnight and just ask him but the way things have been going the last couple nights I've decided to back off. I have a feeling he would waffle.
Oh, and yes, us Canadians up here have heard of "He's Just Not That Into You." We're not completely out of the loop.
As for Mom, she's always had an influence on my life. That's something I'm currently trying to deal with.
Thanks again,
~Krista
>>I was going to take the direct approach lastnight and just ask him but the way things have been going the last couple nights I've decided to back off. I have a feeling he would waffle.<<
Sigh.
Look. Your own topic line says you feel like you are "going crazy".
You know perfectly well that what is MAKING you crazy is this guy's waffling and your own irritation with your desire to actually, you know, SEE the person you're interested in.
You also know perfectly well that if he does waffle anymore, it means he is NOT into you and you need to move on.
So the answer is obvious- you should take the direct approach. Get him to put up or shut up.
But you are not going to, because you think if you did, he would waffle.
Hence, you are CHOOSING to continue to feel crazy. You agree with the advice given, but you're going to give us a big old "up yours" and ignore it anyway.
That isn't so bad. What IS bad is that you're doing this to YOURSELF as well.
Let's be clear- the only person responsible for your crazy, frustrated, confused feelings here is YOU. It's not him. It's YOU. You have a direct course of action to get out of this feeling, and you are rejecting it.
Well, have fun feeling crazy. Just remember, when you feel like whining about it, you are the one who chose it.
And don't blame OLD for your problem, either. Your problem is a direct result of your own choices and actions. It doesn't have to do with OLD, it doesn't have to do with waffling conflicted emotionally unavailable men, and it damn sure doesn't have to do with your mother.
It's you. You want to feel something else or live in another way? Then do it. What you're doing now is just more of the same, and nothing is going to change until YOU change it.
So what you're saying is despite the signs I've seen recently that I should go ahead and put myself out there any ways for my own peace of mind? He's waffling now, the last couple nights it hasn't been the same when we talk. He's distant and cold so I'm taking that as the big red flag that he's not interested any more. Yes, that's just an assumption, I don't know for sure and yes ok, the only way to know is to ask...
I'm not ignoring OLD or blaming OLD for my problems and I wasn't giving you the "up yours." I appreciated the advice, I just drew my own conclusions from the posts which was to back off because of the signs I've seen lately from him which may or may not have anything to do with me.
So, I WILL ask and let you know how it goes.