3rd Date but still at a loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
3rd Date but still at a loss
2
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 7:59am

Hi.Would like your views about this...

I'm 29 and live in Italy. Late in October I got chatting with a local guy,37 (single, never-married).He's the reserved type, and so am I.He's been single at least for the past 4yrs...the duration of his ph.d (he only got back from the U.K in early October).He told me his supervisor had told him to concentrate on just that.

We met for the first time on January 7th evening & went for coffee;we seemed both at ease & talked a lot.We met again for coffee 2 weeks later,when he finished his thesis.In fact he had discovered my birthday was approaching & got me a card that time & gave me a kiss on my cheeks.Then I had exams. On the day I finished exams, he asked me if I'd like to join him to a classical concert in 4 weeks' time.I accepted & he's already bought the tickets. Had date3 (cinema & drinks) last Saturday (4weeks from date1).Again we both said we've enjoyed each other's company & agreed that we should meet again before the concert. Probably at the end of this week.
We chat online most days, otherwise exchange text messages. We usually fix a date via phone a few days before & arrange the exact plans a few hours before we meet.
So far so good: he's told me about his family, work & studies & I did likewise.
What's strange to me is that we've had no physical contact except for the inital handshake & the b'day kiss on my cheek. Last Saturday I gave him a lift to his car after the cinema cos he was parked further away, but he made no move to kiss me. Ok, I didn't try either.
Is this normal? He doesn't seem gay to me. I mean I've always been kissed on the 1st or 2nd date at most by guys I dated. I really like him. We connect mentally so now I'd like to know if we connect physically too.I don't want to waste time if he's not interested - but getting tickets for 4 weeks' time to me spells INTERESTED. Or could it mean just friends? What about no-kisses? Ever been in this situation & how did you go about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:32am

To me, it sounds like things are just moving along at a slow pace (neither good nor bad, just slow). You are not dating often but seeing each other every week or two. It almost takes a readjustment to "get comfortable" with each other again after that long.

I am not sure how women in your culture feel about making the first move, but I would suggest at the least some old-fashioned flirting. Touch his arm when sitting at the table, lean in, listen intently to his conversation and make eye contact, brush his leg or shoulder when sitting next to him. You should be able to see pretty quickly his reactions to these things. If he pulls away quickly or even subtly leans away, that body language says that he is either not interested or feels more friendly at this point. If he seems to enjoy the attention and then starts initiating contact on his own, you know he is interested. He might just be shy or very respectful or maybe even just out of practice! But these are subtle ways to see how he feels about you. Good luck!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:40am
I think he's trying to be a gentleman for your sake, to impress you. There's really nothing wrong with taking things slow. I'm sure plenty of women on here have had the opposite experience -- men who were all over them on the first date. However, if it continues much longer it may be a red flag... One tip I heard once was to kind of hint that you're interested in a kiss by leaning sorta close to him when he's talking and look at his mouth a lot. Don't be obvious but you can create a certain kind of flirtatious intimacy when the time feels right. This works best in a car or something, where you're in close proximity. It's possible he's getting a hands-off signal from you and he's afraid to try and be rejected.