Okay folks, wish me luck...

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Okay folks, wish me luck...
11
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:11pm

MG and I have a date tonight for dinner ... and a "talk".

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:35pm

Here you go:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1

At six weeks, I personally would have already had the Phase 1 talk (on the first couple dates so it's clear that it's *general* and not "with me"), and be discussing the Phase 2 topics just as part of the conversation on our dates.

Are you ready to move things forward sexually, or do you want to take more time? Your answer makes a difference to how I would phrase talk of exclusivity at this point.

Sheri

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 2:40pm

Thansk Sheri,


I've seen this post before, which was very helpful in breaking it down.


Phase 1, what are you looking for in general, I agree should be very early on.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 3:07pm

Well, FWIW, before moving forward to being sexually intimate, I'd want to not only have a clearly discussed agreement that we were exclusive and monogamous, but also enough knowledge of him as a person to know that he is reliable and trustworthy so that if he *says* he agrees to be exclusive and monogamous, you have some basis for evaluating whether his word can be trusted. At six weeks, generally, you're starting to know someone well enough to make an evaluation of that (things like, does he call when he say he's going to and how he conducts himself...does he show integrity in his actions).

So...in your shoes I'd probably discuss the fact that I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone until we agree to be exclusive, and also what exclusivity and monogamy mean to me (basically not dating and not sleeping with other people, but also not being *open* to doing so...so, profiles need to come down, things like that), so the two of you can focus on each other and seeing if you are compatible for the long run without being distracted by other people.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 3:45pm

If you're nervous, look at it this way- all of the rest of us pathetic losers aren't anywhere NEAR having that kind of talk with anyone.

Therefore, you must be supremely more talented, likeable, and attractive than we are.

So you should have all the confidence in the world going into The Talk. :)

Seriously... sure, you're nervous. It's kind of nerve-wracking thinking about or talking about these kinds of things. But NOT talking about them is even worse, because it leaves things in limbo.

My suggestion is that you look at your fears. What's the worst-case scenario? He says "you know, I'm just not into you enough for an exclusive relationship." What are you going to do IF that happens?

What if he says "I appreciate it, and I like you, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet." What are you going to do IF that happens?

What if he says "Cool, I'm down with that, I want to see you and only you." What are you going to do IF that happens?

What if he says "Oh my god, I don't want to get married!" What are you going to do IF that happens?

My point here is that while in theory, the number of possible responses are infinite, in reality there's only a few choices that are likely. So if you have an idea how you would handle each one ahead of time, you can go into it with a lot more confidence and a lot less fear/anxiety.

You're obviously bright, funny, and attractive. I can tell you that the men here would, were they around you, probably want to date you. You're not going to have any long-term, systemic problems on that score.

So if this particular guy dumps on ya, yes, it will suck, but know in your heart that you WILL get through and you WILL be a butt-kicking woman for some lucky guy someday, and your fears will be a lot less and you'll do fine. :)

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 4:50pm

Okay, I guess I'll run

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 5:05pm

Hey Phoenix~HOTTAY~mama,

Good luck tonight with whatever you say and with whatever happens. Either way it's all good. If you find yourself really nervous, you know, it may be ok to tell him that. Something along the lines of, "I am kind of nervous about discussing this with you, but I hope you can appreciate that and be patient while I bumble my way through." Or however you would word it. Heck, he will probably be a little nervous with the talk too.

If you guys are at the hand holding stage or arm around a shoulder stage, then that may be a nice way to feel comfy while discussing this stuff. It is hard to be too defensive or unwilling to listen when your fingers are linked or you are reassuringly touching each other....

Can't wait for the update!

~xrg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 6:01pm

You know, PM, a friend told me not too long ago, when I was agonizing over things with J, what to say, how to say it, etc., she said, why don't you just talk to HIM like you are talking to ME?

Linda
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:29pm

So it turns out I had very little to worry about! The guy is obviously into me, was all smiles talking about how much he had looked forward to getting together. It's been about a year since he split with his gf of 5 yrs, and says that since that time, I am the most fun, interesting, smart, pretty, etc "total package" he's met. (Careful, boy, you're gonna give me a huge ego...) And that if he didn't think there was "some kind of possible future" it wouldn't have gone past the first couple dates.

He thought it seemed a bit premature to bring up the exclusive talk, apparently based on whatever preconceived ideas he had about timeframes. But I thought it seemed appropriate that if we are going to continue seeing each other, especially if we're getting more physical, I personally need that to be an exclusive one-on-one thing. And reassured him it's not that I'm trying to get involved in any real serious commitment just yet, but to just take a step toward deciding if that will be possible between us. Which he seems in sync with and agreed to the one-on-one arrangement. (Yaayyyy!)

He eventually wants marriage & kids, I also want marriage, undecided about more kids since I have one but will consider it if/when the situation is right. I mentioned I was pondering when it might be appropriate to introduce him to my son, we agreed both not just yet & we'll discuss that again at some later time.

So I am content with this, looks like we have a good enough understanding of where things are at for now. I didn't want it to be a long drawn-out ordeal and it wasn't. We got it out of the way right up front and proceeded to have a nice enjoyable dinner. I had to cut the evening short so I could make it to chat...... I mean, so I could pick up my son & get him to bed. Yeah, that's my story & I'm sticking to it. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:38pm

>>says that since that time, I am the most fun, interesting, smart, pretty, etc "total package" he's met.

>>>>>>He thought it seemed a bit premature to bring up the exclusive talk,

??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:42pm

Sounds good!

So, I'm just curious, did you specifically discuss taking down profiles?

Sheri

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