Am I wasting my time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Am I wasting my time?
14
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:08pm


I met this guy online at the beginning of December. We spoke a few times online then talked over the phone a few times. About a week later we met up at a local club and had a great time, we had both been drinking and got a little friendly on the dance floor. We hung out the whole night and he kissed me goodbye when my friends and I left. He called the the next night and we've been hanging out ever since, about twice a week.

The problem is, he's British and he's here on a work visa that expires in August. When I first started hanging out with him we had a conversation at one point where he said he was looking for the "one" but didn't want to get married for a few years. He also talked that he may get a Lawyer to help him extend his visa or help him look into it. Well lately he's been saying 'when i go back home in august' etc.

We've had a great time together, we've gone on lots of dates. Just a couple weeks ago he took me to a really nice Italian restaurant, 3 course meal, bottle of wine, etc. We laugh constantly together and we have some things in common. We have slept together. I asked him about when he was tested last for STDs and he said when he came to America and he has had one serious relationship since then, which ended a year ago. So I asked "Does that mean you haven't slept with anyone in a year?" And he said yes. At another time he said he doesn't sleep with people very quickly and I said the same, but yet we did. He said he has dated women since his breakup, just hasn't slept with them.

He still checks his profile every day or every couple of days though. I guess I can't really say anything because I do as well.

We both call each other every couple of days and email at work everyday. HIs friends came in from England a week ago and he wanted me to meet them, I wasn't going to go but he practically insisted that I come. We had a great time and they were really cool people. They went to Mardi Gras this past weekend and he actually called me from there to tell me about how much fun they were having and asked how I was feeling. I've had some medical problems lately that I just told him about. I was very shocked to hear from him. I figured I wouldn't talk to him much while his friends were in town, they havent' seen each other in a long time and I didn't want to bother him while they are here.

My thing is, I'm looking for a serious relationship and to settle down soon. I'm thinking of having a talk with him and truley find out if he's moving back home, because if he is planning on it, I don't plan on dating him any longer. I don't want to date him till the end of summer and end up getting my heart broken when he leaves for England. I've gone through a lot of hurt in my past and I guess I sorta want to protect myself again. But at the same time, I love hanging out with him. We have so much fun together. I've never met a guy who can make me laugh and feel as comfortable as he does. I have a constant smile on my face when I'm around him.

I guess I"m just worried that we want different things in life overall. Do you think I should end this before I get in deeper than I already am? Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:32pm
Its good to speak about what your plans are for the future. Yet, there are no guarantees in life. So why not enjoy each others company. Its still a long way off until August.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:58pm

Hi there, I know I read your post and responded on another board, but now I can't find it...

In any event, if you want a serious r'ship, then you need to make sure he's on the same page with being OPEN to the possibility of one with you. If he's not, then there's no point in continuing to see him, because you want different things.

So, I would definitely talk to him...find out whether he's even thinking about what might happen beyond August.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 3:04pm
Have you had a conversation about dating each other exclusively? If not, I would continue to date other people, so you're not putting all your time and energy into this one person, who might eventually leave and break your heart. I would casually get his perspective on where things are going, in a non-threatening way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 7:34pm

I don't think you are wasting your time, as you are having fun and enjoying yourself. You may, however, be wasting your thoughts on the future with this fellow. He has said the words, " when I go back home in August " so take it as given that your relationship has an end date.

Unfortunately, if you ask him about his intentions, there is a strong chance (I don't know him, this is just based on experience, my own and of other people) that he will not answer you directly. Especially if he stands to lose you right now and then has to spend the rest of his stay in the US mate-less.

The fact of the matter is, he is leaving in August. Knowing that, you need to decide whether is it worth it to you to invest any more time in him, or are you able to relax and enjoy what time you have left with him.

A hard decision for you to make, I know!! Especially if he is as wonderful as you say. If it was me, I would relax, enjoy, have my heart broken, and then go on with my life. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again.

I wish you the best of luck whatever choice you make.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:32pm
Please, please take my advice and run away as fast as you can.
I got burnt so badly by a Swiss guy that I met at work and we dated for a year and a half only to find myself broken hearted and left behind when his contract was over and he went back to Switzerland. European men in general are very charming and looking for someone to spend time with while in the US.
I know of a few other cases when they always choose to go back home and without you.
From now on I always make sure that the guy I date has a US passport.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:35pm

You can have the talk to date each other exclusively, but the moving thing, the way I see it is this: what you have can end next week, in a couple of months or last until August. You just don't know and there's no way to predict what will happen. I say if he agrees to date you exclusively (since it's what you want), keep dating him taking one day at a time. Hard to predict the future, but this way you'll have no regrets. Nobody likes having their heart broken, but most people regret more the things they didn't do than the things they did do.

I'm in a similar situation: I've been dating this guy exclusively for one month now. In 4 months he's moving out of the country for two years. I debated a lot whether to give him a chance or not, then I thought "how do I know it'll last until then?" I'll deal with it when the time comes if we're still together, until then I want to make the best of it. Either way I'll have no regrets. Plus no relationship guarantees that you won't get your heart broken, and it's always a risk and you're always taking a chance... If it's meant to be it'll be...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:35am

I went through the same thing with my ex boyfriend.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:40am

I agree that there is no way to predict whether things will end before August in the OP's case, but I would need to at least know that he was *open* to staying or to continuing things long-distance. If in his mind, there was NO possibility of that, I would not continue.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:04am

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This is certainly true, ccsr, I agree totally. But in the OP's case he is leaving in August, so it's very easy to predict the future for her.

Having him agree to exclusivity does not help her at all. What he'll be doing is getting what he wants (someone to hang out with until he leaves) and not giving her what she wants (the possibility of a LTR).

When I wrote in my other post that I would go for it, I meant that this would be with my eyes wide open. The relationship would convert to casual status and I would enjoy my time with the fellow while it lasted.

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:27am

You wrote you are looking for a serious relationship. If you think your feelings are growing deeper for this man, perhaps it is time to ask him what his plans are for the future. Not the plans about the future of the two of you together, but whether he plans on staying here or going back to the UK.

If he says he plans on going back, then you have a decision to make. Either enjoy the time you have together and have a fun but casual relationship, and realize he probably won't wake up one day and say "I love you, I'm going to stay here." Or realize that you are not the type of person that can have a casual relationship for the next 6 months without getting emotionally attached, and walk away right now.

I think this decision needs to be based more on what YOU want in your life and what YOU are looking for. You can't control what he wants or where he lives- only he can do that.

P.S.- One little caveat (and yes a bit cyncial) but if you do decide to continue seeing him and sleeping with him, keep your instincts on alert for words of him wanting your help in getting his green card to stay here.

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