I am a horrible person
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| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 2:18pm |
Hello everyone...
I am in need of some advice please...
First some background on me. I am 23 years old. I have never been on a date, or been kissed by a guy. I have low self esteem, and I dont think I am very pretty. I am just an average looking girl who is overweight. Not a lot overweight, but enough to bother me. I met this nice guy online, who in real life would be considered "out of my league". He was good looking and nice and funny. We ended up chatting with each other, and he asked me for my pic. Well instead of sending him my real pic, i sent him a pic of my prettier skinner friend. We talked for a while, and our personalities matched perfectly. Eventually he asked me for my #, but i wouldnt give it to him because i didnt want to start phone convos with him for fear that that would cause me to like him even more. Well he eventually started to get impatient with me, and this was after 5 months of chatting online! He had told me through conversations, that he doesnt like to date "ugly" or "chubby" girls, so i knew that he wouldnt like me. Well he was wanting to meet me this friday, and last night i decided to tell him the truth about the whole thing. I told him that i had lied to him about what i looked like, and he was furious with me. He refused to talk to me, and said some really mean things. Well now i feel like complete crap. He refuses to chat with me online, i have apologized a million times. I feel like puking right now....
I just feel like this guy and i clicked so greatly, and now a little thing like my looks will completely ruin the whole thing. How do you guys suggest i get over this guy? do i keep trying to contact him? I CANT get him off of my mind and it is driving me nuts!!!

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What is that movie with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah called? This story reminded me of that in reverse until the end. Because women are more forgiving of looks than men in general.
I have no advice other than that time is your best friend right now. Do not contact him unless you want to get hurt even more. I'm afraid that this you'll have to chalk up to what not to do next time. I'm sorry.
Lisa
Kawaii~
Guess what....that guy is NOT letting "a little thing" like your looks ruin this. He is telling you that is a BIG THING to LIE and that the lie is unforgivable. It is the LIE that wrecked this.....not the subject. You lied to him and mislead him. Whether it was about your looks, or your height, or your marital status, or your income, or your shoe size, or your job, or where you lived....or whatever you chose to lie about, the problem was that you lied. It doesn't matter WHAT yo ulied about, just that you lied and he has every right to never speak to you again. Stop bothering him now.
Lying in OLD is rampant and not acceptable. You deserve to enjoy talking with and meeting someone who likes you for who you really are. You played with this guy by trying to set him up in a test. You tried to establish a relationship online (which, btw is not a relationship but a pen pal) that was fake and not based on truth. You have no ground to stand on for his turning his back on you and your test failed miserably. Manipulation rarely works out the way you want.
I would seriously reconsider if you are in the right place in your life or frame of mind for OLD. You need to have a thick skin and good inner self-confidence to be able to get out there and show who you are, be proud of yourself, and meet people. Some people won't like you for stupid reasons, tiny reasons, things you can't understand, but it doesn't define who you are. They just aren't the right person for you.
Prepare yourself. I think a lot of folks here are going to be pretty harsh Like I just was. I am sorry to not be able to give you any empathy. If someone had done what you just did to ME, I would scream "F### You" as my last email or IM message before blocking them and never speaking again.
Sorry this happened to you! It is a tough situation.
But I am going to be a little harsh here. It is not the little thing of your looks that turned him off, it was a big thing like lying to him about who you were. Yes, perhaps he is the kind of person that wouldn't have talked to you in the first place if you had told him what you really looked like. But now it is one of those things that you will never know the truth because you lied to him. And if he was going to not talk to you because of how you look, is this the kind of person you would really want to talk to anyway? Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion and we all have our preferences on what we like and don't like but if he judges you solely on your looks, then he is not a person that you want to have in your life.
As for the future and getting over him. You need to work on your self-esteem, girl! :-) Get to the gym, get a trainer, start eating better and/or see a therapist. There are things you can do about your situation. If you don't have money to do these things, just start being more active (go walking in the park or a track - if it's cold where you are, go buy a couple video tapes and start doing them or do jumping jacks in your house!) and see if there are any free resources at your church, school or community that might be able to help you with the counseling issue. You're never going to feel confident about yourself until you work on both the inside and outside.
It is SO not a little thing like your looks! It's because you LIED to him! He is under no obligation to accept your apology. I wouldn't. I have an extremely low tolerance for being lied to, and all the excuses in the world about lack of self-esteem, etc, wouldn't justify lying.
You need to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Move on, and learn from the experience.
Sheri
Don't you think it was the fact that you lied to this guy for months is the real reason he doesn't want to talk to you? I don't think his not talking to you has anything to do with your looks. What you did was unforgivable in my book, and I wouldn't talk to you again either. How did you expect to form any type of relationship (and my dear, you two were only online buddies, you didn't have a "real" relationship) if it's all built on lies?
I'm sure you thought that when he really got to know you, that he wouldn't care what you looked like. That may have happened if you had been honest with him up front, but you did nothing but manipulate the poor guy.
Honestly, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? I say leave the poor guy alone, and hopefully you learned something from this hard lesson.
Holly
Hi,
You are young and it is Best that you learn that NO one will like you for "who you are", if "who you are" is a manipulative liar. I know you did not mean to be so deceptive and you saw something you wanted, but you broke a cardinal rule and did not think of the Other person's feelings. Learn this, and LIVE by it. My son is 18 and I have brought him up with the same values; what comes out of Your mouth is Your responsibility, including WHOM it hurts.
I can also understand those here being upset with you because of your lies, it is what we all Detest about OLD. So, every one likes you Enough to be honest...please take their advice. At 23, you can change yourself--your body and your mind, in good time. Get counseling, go to the gym and put yourself on a Higher track for life...do it Now, so that you can have a Good life in the future.
As far as "out of your league"--please realize that his being handsome has Nothing to do with what Kind of man he really IS. Looks are deceptive, and it IS the heart and mind that counts! Be enough of a lady to leave this young man alone and move on, first taking care of yourself, before you involve anyone else in your life.
All the best to you..it is UP to you....
Truly,
Cupcake
Hi Kawa,
Agree that you made a mistake, and we ALL made those, Girl, so just put it in your "lessons learned" file and move on. He is probably over it, men do not carry things around as much as we women do. With the next man, send him a real photo and be YOU--I am betting that the Real you is pretty Cool, too!
Take care, write often!
Truly,
Cupcake
Hey kiddo...
I am sure you are not a bad person. If I came across that way then I really apologize. You were obviously very scared, new to OLD, not feeling confident, and just didn't think. Immature or something, maybe....but not a bad person.
I think we were all unanimous in our advice of learning from this experience and also trying to find something that will help you feel better about yourself. A hobby, a church group if you are into that, crafts, or whatever. If you have questions about onlind dating in the future maybe come here BEFORE you do something like this again?
Good luck!
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