Hello Everyone, I'm New Here & OLD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Hello Everyone, I'm New Here & OLD
3
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:22pm

Hi! I am a newly single mom of two young girls. I've decided that OLD may be the best way for me to "get out there" and "meet people". So far, I have had one "first meeting" with someone who seemed to be VERY NICE in email and on the telephone, but when we met, it was apparant that he either used a very OLD photograph, or a photo of someone ELSE! There just wasn't chemistry... for me at least. I wasn't sure how to "end it" before anything started, so I emailed him saying that I wasn't "ready" to date yet... and just didn't feel right being out with "another man" since my divorce... far from the truth, just didn't know how to handle situations like this.

Now, I am "talking" via email and telephone to Bachelor #2. Seems to be much more solid of a person, not just a "nice guy" as #1 was. our conversations have more substance, and seem to be genuine. So, we are trying to figure out a "first meeting" time, which has proven to be hard since we both have primary custody of our child(ren)(I have two, he has one). I think we will find conversation and humor, but otherwise, I need etiquitte help. Who pays? How do I know if/when to offer? I don't mind paying my way by any means... but HOW do you know? How do you say goodbye if you KNOW you are not interested in seeing them again? I did the WRONG thing with #1... told him I'd love to do it again, etc... I'd love any first date tips that you might offer!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:34pm

Hi, and welcome! I'm sure we all made "newbie mistakes" like you did...one of the biggest being, thinking that phone and email chemistry translates into in person chemistry!

A couple of thoughts for you:

1. I prefer to meet for coffee ASAP and just exchange a couple-3 emails and talk on the phone 1-2 times before doing so.

2. I prefer that the gentleman pay for me the first couple dates. It's kind of a dealbreaker for me if he doesn't, so I don't offer (I think that confuses men and they may take you up on it thinking they are being polite and doing what you want--so I don't offer--with one exception: if I know I never want to see the guy again, then I *insist* on paying for my half).

3. If you know you don't want to see him again, just say at the end, "it was nice meeting you. Take care." If he asks you out while you're on the date, and you don't want to see him again, say something like, "Hmm, I'm not sure, let me check my schedule. It was nice meeting you. Take care." (don't say you'll get back to him unless you plan on doing so; any guy with an ounce of sense will know that this is code for "no thanks").

You need to find what works for YOU, of course, but this is what works for me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:50pm

Hi Tupper,

Agree with NW's post, please look at the other threads and you will see those on worst/best about OLD, and also the red flag list..and don't miss the one that says "this may be long, but worth the time"--it truly IS.( print it out for the fridge!) You have wandered into the "Wonderful Zone" as far as empathy, advice, honesty and support from this group! If it has been done, one of us has done it or been through it, and that is a great help when trying to sort something out.

What I think you need to strive for most at this time, is to put this in perspective and prioritize it further down your list than it might be now. Go on dates, have fun, say bye bye and come home; NO expectations and don't stop rolling along, dating, until someone proves themselves! Remember before you got married, and you dated, and all the guys just wanted One thing? Well, I am 48, 6 years divorced, and no matter their age, they Still just want one thing (or think they do, if over 50! lol!). Not to 'dis on men, I know women can be like-minded per wanting a Sugar Daddy! The best thing I have learned in to date about 3 men at once, then you never worry about the phone calls, the phone is Always ringing!

So, play it as it dealt and then fold for a new hand!
Good luck!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 4:00pm

Hi and welcome! Don't worry too much about your first encounter. You did the right thing by emailing him and ending it. However, a simple "I don't think we're a match." would've covered it. That kind of response is common.

Now, there are some that subscribe to the idea that you should just meet for coffee for a first meeting and keep it short. About 20 to 30 minutes. That doesn't work for me. Other than if there's immediate sparks, I can not accurately assess a person in that short a time. I think you have to do what makes you comfortable.

I always let the man pay. I've found that when I've tried to pay, it creates an awkward moment. Who needs more of those? :) If it develops into something more, there'll be plenty of opportunities for you to treat.

When the date is over and I don't think I'm interested, I simply thank them and say good night. I don't make any allusions to seeing/not seeing them again. They usually get the message and may have been thinking the same thing anyway.

If you don't hear from soemone, don't feel bad. A lot of the time people "ghost" (disappear) after the first date, and sometimes the second or third. It's not necessarily a reflection on you. Just the nature of the beast.

I hope this helps. Good luck with guy #2!