Gettting Annoyed W/ OL Interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Gettting Annoyed W/ OL Interest
12
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 12:43pm

I want to vent about my online experience, then hopefully, you guys can put in your two cents on how you'd handle my annoyance. Here's the good. He's adorable, wealthy and monogamous. He likes me, I do like him. We do live on opposite coasts and have NEVER met. Scary, huh??? I've seen enough pictures and he's seen mine. There won't be any surprises in appearance. I've talked to him for some time now, and we're trying to make the effort to meet soon to seal the deal. If it works, it's probably going to go full speed. I'm positive that he'd make a good boyfriend if we lived..closer LOL. HOWEVER...here's the BAD STUFF!!!
He works looong days and comes home 9PM like clock work every night. He does make the time to talk to me every day, but I don't find the frequency necessary. There's no time
to miss each other. It's not endearing anymore, but routine. But, I don't know how to say, "Honey, stop calling me," without him thinking I don't care. (Okay, and I date someone else local, that doesn't know). It's also very distracting to get calls in the middle of the night. If I ignore the calls, "Where were you?"

Another thing that turned me off was that he doesn't believe in doing any sort of manual labor. He wastes money to do ridiculous things, like several hundred dollars to align his paintings. That's annoying, and I am more attracted to the DIY kind of guy.

I also think he's not sensitive enough for me. Okay, he doesn't see me everyday, but he knows so much about me, my family and friends, my personality. It would be nice if he said something endearing. "I missed you," would be nice, but then again 24 hours isn't long enough to miss somebody. It would be nice if he could close a conversation politely. He says, "yes, I have to go do whatever." I say, "Okay," as if he
is going to continue talking. He says, "Bye" Before I say goodbye, he's off the phone. It's very, very rude!!! I'm NOT an employee of his. I'm a...friend, possible future girlfriend? I would like to hear, "Have a good night," or "bye, honey" or something soft to the ear. I know he has the good intention to do the right thing, but it doesn't go the 3000 miles. I can't ask for it, but I want him to say, "You were on my mind or I love the things you say." Or maybe, an apology for forgetting that it's 2AM east coast time. That's enough complaining. I did enough of that already.

Well, these are little things that add up. But they are ANNOYING things. I like the guy enough to know we have something good. I just need him out of the business mode more often. Geez. So, I need your help, guys~~~thank you much!
1. How should I tell him to ease up on the calls, in a nice way?
2. How do I get him to be more sensitive?
3. Do you think any of the things I mentioned are deal breakers?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 12:58pm

"I know he has the good intention to do the right thing....."

How do you know this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 1:01pm

Please forgive me if I'm blunt here but I'm a regular and I keep reading these same type of posts over and over.

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 1:08pm

I would just let him know that until you meet in person, you're more comfortable with only talking on the phone a couple times a week. AND asking him NOT to call you any later than midnight isn't at all out of line! Turn off your phone at midinight, in case he "forgets".

I think any other discussion about his mannerisms at this point is really, really premature. You have NO IDEA if you will hit it off in person (pictures are NOT the same as meeting someone IRL, no matter how good). You don't "know" him at all...you only know what you imagine in your mind.

But, FWIW, you can't "get" him to be more sensitive...he is the way he is. If that's a dealbreaker for you, so be it.

Bottom line: put things in a holding pattern with occasional phone calls until you can meet in person.

Sheri

P.S. Does the local guy think that you're exclusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 1:08pm

What sp said, and also something else you don't want to hear. Has anyone ever told you that you were High Maintenance? You don't even really like the guy and you want him to change for you?

My instinct tells me that here is a guy who is being led on. You haven't even told him you are seeing someone else.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 1:15pm
I agree with Peanut. Until you start dating and go out for a few months or so, you never know how he really is. He sounds to me a bit control freak - I was in the opposite situation and my date rarely called me, which I think is a legitimate reason to be upset. Maybe you can just ignore his calls sometimes and if he complains, say "I had something else to do. Don't you have your own life except talking w/ me ont he phone?" type of thing nicely. I hate guys just trying to do the easy way - hiring someone for simple works??!! gimme a break. He sounds like a spoiled brat from a wealthy family - it's just my impression. I'd be more excited with a guy who enjoys doing some hard labor stuff.


Edited 3/26/2005 2:16 pm ET ET by tonka04
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 1:52pm
This online guy is your escape hatch for your present failing relationship. Nothing more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 7:09pm
Every single one of the things you mentioned is a dealbreaker.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 7:27pm

I think you and he are both fooling yourselves.

You don't *know* he's adorable- you've never met.

You don't *know* he's wealthy- you've never met.

You don't *know* he's monogamous- you've never met.

In short, you don't know anything of what you THINK you know.

As if the whole falling-in-love-with-an-idea-in-your-head weren't bad enough, you're also behaving badly, IMO. To be blunt, you're lying through omission; you're two-timing the actual (local) guy you're with now, because you have this (supposed) emotional attachment with someone else. Why haven't you told LocalGuy about OnlineGuy? If you're hiding something like that, it's lying by not telling him the truth, IMO.

I don't think it's fair for you to complain about how he spends his dough, either- it's overly critical. It's HIS money; if he's wealthy, then maybe spending money to get his pictures aligned is a perfectly acceptable use of it. What do you care? This is a guy YOU'VE NEVER MET.

>>I can't ask for it, but I want him to say, "You were on my mind or I love the things you say."<<

Why can't you ask for it? This is always dumb to me. If a woman wants to get these things, and she isn't, and she doesn't ask for it, it's STUPID to blame the guy for it. How the heck is he supposed to know what you like if you don't TELL him somehow?

Frankly, almost everything that everyone else said in here is 100% true. You've reached the "Complaining about my boyfriend" phase of a "relationship" with this guy, and you haven't even MET him yet.

(You're not his girlfriend; you're dating some other guy, for crying out loud!)

If you want some real advice, here it is: Tell OnlineRichAdorableWestCoastBoy that you are only going to talk with him on the phone once every four days or so, and at a specified time (so you can sleep and not worry about 2am phone calls) and for a specified length of time.

Tell the local guy about what's going on. He deserves to know. If you are thinking of ANY excuse right now to not tell him ("We're not mutually exclusive", or "it won't hurt him if he doesn't know", or "why tell him unless/until something happens with WestCoastBoy", then you're ONLY making excuses and you really are hiding the truth.)

And get a bit more realistic about life and how to treat other people (ie, dating one guy while having all these feelings for another guy you're keeping secret), and what you accept in how they treat you (ie, if you want to be treated nicely and have him say nice, caring things, tell him that's what you want).




Edited 3/26/2005 9:02 pm ET ET by niceguyonline122004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 11:28pm

I wanted to tell everyone that has already responded--thank you very much for the honest advise. Maybe some of you guys have the impression that I'm a loopy girl--I'm not. I'm a very sober person that usually doles out advise myself. BUT, I knew I was getting caught up.

I read each of your advise to me, and I thought about it this evening.

I am going to continue my friendship with this person, but I'm not going to accept the behavior any longer. It's not like I didn't know it was a problem, but I did need that confirmation from someone from an outside source. In his defense, he is sincere and is completely legitimate, BUT there's no reason for him push so hard. I AM suspicious if he's on the rebound and that's a great reason to back off. He will probably drop me like a bad habit, if a local girl came in the picture. In all honesty, I'd do the same if I found a worthy guy in NY. So, that's good enough indication to snap out of it immediately.

As of today I will:
1. Only take the calls to once a week. I will only answer the calls before 11 PM and keep the conversations short.
2. Until we meet, I'm not going to continue being involved with the intimate details of his life and vice versa. It's the safer thing to do.

It's hard, BUT, I'll be fine. Everybody NEEDS that reality check, right???

Thanks again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 11:42pm

<<>>

But in all reality, you don't KNOW that for sure. All you know is the online and phone persona that he has let you see and that you think it is sincere and legitimate. I don't think anyone has the impression that you are loopy, but it is just something that many of us have done ourselves and all of us have seen before - you are building up this great thing in your mind with a guy that you have never even met. There is no surer way to be let down really hard and really fast. I won't rehash what everyone has said, but I suggest that if you have plans to meet, do it ASAP. That way you can tell if this has any potential. The things you have mentioned are all things that would probably cause you to rethink a relationship eventually and if they drive you nuts now, they will get even worse once you actually know each other. Keep looking locally and find yourself a good guy near home if this other local guy isn't doing it for you - but you also do owe him the courtesy of either cutting him loose or letting him know that you have an OL thing going on with someone else.

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