I don't get men!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
I don't get men!!
27
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 6:35pm

So I met a guy from online a couple weeks ago. Things went great, I could tell he was really into me. We went out a couple times since then, kept in contact between dates, etc. He seemed to be on the same page as me, looking for something long term, had a good job etc. The type of guy that I am now looking for. I had a business trip earlier in the week, he picked me up from the aiport, which I thought was very sweet. He made comments about us in the future, called me sweetie, everything pointed to things going just fine. He called me Friday night, we didn't have plans, but he wanted to meet up. Well he ended up falling asleep at his sisters and called me at 2:30am apologizing, no big deal, but we had plans for last night (Saturday). He asks if I wanted to grab lunch. Great! Saturday comes, I don't hear from him, so I call around 3, no answer. I call again around 7:30 to make sure things were ok. He had just gotten out of the gym, said he was really sick in the morning and stayed in bed till 3. I told him he at least could have called me and told me, I could have made other plans. So he asks if I want to grab dinner, I said sure and to call me when he was done taking a shower and getting ready, about an hour or two. I even asked him if he was going to stand me up, if so then I will make other plans. He said "No no! I'm not going to ditch you." He called me 15 minutes later, said his step-mom had made him dinner, so he was going to eat at his house but we would still meet up. Never heard from him. I called at 10, just to make sure he didn't fall asleep or something. Called again at 11:30 pretty pissed and said I was going out and meeting friends. I went online and saw he was on match. I was fuming! I've never been stood up before, I just don't get it!

The guy was completely into me, well, at least I thought! I sent him a kiss off email, not totally mean, just telling him he should have had the courtesy to tell me he didn't want to go out. Basically a goodbye and good luck to him. I don't have time for that stuff. Have the balls to say something. Looks like he was a game player afterall. So I'm back at square one again, but at least I found out sooner rather than later.

So I changed my criteria on guys I should date, but even the ones who seem to have their stuff together are still game players! What am I doing wrong??

layx2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 6:48pm

Just guessing.

A) You formed a conclusion that things were better than they were based upon only a few dates.

B) You narrowed your focus to one guy too soon.

The best advice that I've seen here is not to get exclusive too quickly. Lots of guys want to -- then when the challenge is gone they take off for either a BBD or another challenge.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 6:58pm

What LG said...

You need to take *everything* that is said early on with a HUGE grain of salt. Plus, he's doing things making comments about the two of you in the future, when he barely *knows* you??? Please. That's actually a red flag, not a sign that things are going well.

It takes a good 3-4 months of dating to have an idea of whether someone is potentially right for you. Don't get so invested, so soon. What he did was crappy, but not at all unheard of (unfortunately).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 7:39pm
I think Lg is right on with this one. Which is why I don't care what men say, The Rules, in some form do work. Men need to work a bit for you. Women commit emotionally far too early and easily. Not all guys are like this but for those online, they have a tendency to see the vast number of women as potential rather than investing in one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 8:18pm

I was not going after him in any sense, I let him call me, etc. I did everything the way "The Rules" say. I even told him that if he wanted to date other people, it was cool just let me know, keep it open and honest is my philosophy. He said "No i'm not dating any else, nor do I plan on it. Why would i? you are amazingly beautiful and have your stuff together." I told him I wasn't dating anyone at the moment but wasn't leaving out the opportunity. I really did like him, but I wasn't putting all my eggs into one basket, I've made that mistake before.

It is true that after a few dates he was acting all excited about me, talking about when he got back from the police academy we would do such-and-such and he wanted to take me riding, etc. I thought I just found a guy who was REALLY into me, but I didn't reciprocate any of those thoughts, I just said, "yea that would be fun."

The only time it looked like I was chasing him was yesterday when I thought we had plans and I called him several times. I just think it was really rude to do something like that. Maybe he saw that as chasing and was weirded out. If so, he wasn't worth it to begin with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 8:37pm

<>

Is this really true? Are you yourself like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 8:48pm

*warning this gets a bit "stream of consciousness"-y*

WOW,
I'm so sorry! What a complete sh*t!!!

I don't really get men either when they do stuff like this. I've been there and it sucks! A man will push for intimacy (not just physical) and, God forbid, we should respond to this, cause he'll drop you and run! THIS IS WEIRD STUFF FOR US WOMEN.

I had a date this weekend where the guy made me dinner at his home. Normally I would have brought a dessert, flowers and wine or something like that, you know make an effort to contribute. This time I didn't. I showed up with wine (I can't show up with nothing, it's bred in). I was gracious and polite and complimentary, but really let him fuss over me. He ate it up and really started to open up to me. Men really do like working to please us, which is really pretty sweet.

This was not an act on my part. I truly appreciated the dinner and all. It was hard to step back and let him fuss over me, but it seemed to really worked for us both, he made me feel special. I guess working for our attention is just in the genes. I think dating more than one guy helps maintain some balance, not getting too invested in one guy too soon. The trick is finding two (or more) guys you'd date!

After some kissing, it was really hard to leave, but I'm not ready for more yet. I'm finally begining to understand that dating a process that needs to unfold slowly (especially the physical, no matter how tempted I am in the heat of the moment). It's hard sometimes because we all want intimacy, but I'm sick of opening up and then getting burned.

So, I have to remind myself when a guy I'm seeing says we should go to NYC for a play or something that this is just an attempt to create intimacy, romance. I have to take it as just that, a gesture, not a promise! I have to let him earn my heart, because I am precious (at least to me). I need to protect myself more, to not let someone in just because they're sweet and cute and I'm interested. That is just getting me hurt. I need to trust the process and let them WIN my heart, not just have it for free, it's hurting me too much to give it away for free (pun intended).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 9:31pm

>>because I am precious (at least to me).<<

LOL! You don't need to qualify that statement. You are precious - PERIOD! Which is something a lot of us women seem to have trouble believing.

>>The trick is finding two (or more) guys you'd date!<<

Tell me about it. I get winks, teases, etc. from men I would never date online or IRL. Half of the ones I do think are interesting (ie actually fit most of the requirements on the "my match" section of my profile) do not reply after I reply to the wink, tease, icebreaker. Half of the remaining half end up in a "not meet" situation. Of the few I have met, only one represented himself as is (see my rules thread). Unfortunately, with grad school (all women) and work (mostly women) I have very little time to meet men in other ways. Not to mention that I am not the most social of creatures and the thought of juggling men just seems so not me!

It's all so frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:10am

I'm sorry he came on strong and then basically flaked later.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 8:02am

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Unfortunately, I think there are too many guys that really don't have it together and too few that do. The problem is, these guys are getting even harder and harder to spot and they now come packaged with great careers, education and seemingly polite and gentlemanly.

But I've run across a few myself. They seem very intersted in the beginning, then suddenly disappear or have a change of heart. Maybe it's the season. I'm hoping the season will change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 8:48am

Actually, I just read "Mars and Venus on a date," and it talks about this specific thing. It says that men are attracted first on a physical level. He finds you attractive and "courts" you by saying all those things we love to hear (lets go away together, I want to be with you) but then when he steps away for a bit he realizes that this is not what he is really looking for. Basically he got caught up in your attractiveness and instinctively pursued only to find that this is not what he originally wanted for what ever reason he's got (not wanting something serious, prefers blondes, needs someone more like his mom, whatever).

So we CAN (if there is any truth to this theory) take this as KIND OF a compliment. He found you attractive enough to ignore his needs (whatever they are) and pursue you.

What do you all think of this. Anyone else read this stuff?

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