what I learned from the failure..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
what I learned from the failure..
20
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:19am

- If a guy is talking with you via email but still cruising the date site and checking chicks every day, give him no excuses, go NEXT.

- If a guy rarely calls you "to just chat" or even if he calls, he tries to cut the conversation w/in 15 min, go NEXT.

- If a guy doesn't sincerely respond to your complaints or requests (i.e. says, "you can call me later." instead of "I'm sorry my doing such and such made you uncomfortable." etc.,) go NEXT.

- If you aren't 100% happy from how he treats you, go NEXT.

There're lots of fish out there, don't settle & you'd rather enjoy being alone.

...and...

- Until you're 100% sure that the guy is madly crazy for you, don't go to bed.

Heh, the guy I dated turned out to be a big J*rk. He completely ignored my email once I complained how I was neglected, and when I knocked his door for the final meeting to just say, "thank you, good bye." (shouldn't have done that, I know.) even ignored & didn't answer. Great. This is someone who was very sweet & I was sleeping with for a few months. Now I should bang my head how stupid I was!! yep, silly me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:43am

Some of these are pretty good ideas... but two thoughts:

>>If a guy is talking with you via email but still cruising the date site and checking chicks every day, give him no excuses, go NEXT.<<

If you and your date haven't had a conversation about being mutually exclusive in dating, then this one is illogical, IMO. You can't assume that someone else is on the same page as you are unless you've been specific about it.

And we can't assume that just because someone makes out with us, or sleeps with us, or we give them a key to our house, that automatically means that they are "mutually exclusive" and the expectations that go along with that are automatic. We MUST talk with the other person and be sure we're on the same page with them!

After that, though, if someone's cruising the date site all the time, it's probably not a good sign for your relationship. Like the old joke about the groom, at his wedding reception, sipping a beer with his best man and saying "wow, lotta hot chicks here..." ;)

>>If a guy rarely calls you "to just chat" or even if he calls, he tries to cut the conversation w/in 15 min, go NEXT.<<

OOOH, I'm really going to disagree with this one on a few levels. First of all, there's TONS of guys who just don't call "to just chat". The reason is simple- we're GUYS. Men are very very often just not into "calling just to chat". If we were, we'd be women. :)

Second, even if a guy does call, he might not be into talking for a long time. I've been dating a gal for several weeks now, exclusively for a good portion of that time, and I think the longest phone conversation we've had has been MAYBE 10 minutes. The majority of our calls are less than 5 minutes!

Finally, early in the relationship, I think you're actually FAR better off keeping phone conversations shorter. One hour talking with someone in person is worth a dozen hours on the phone- nonverbal communication, like body language and facial expressions, are a big big part of how we humans interact.

But as for the rest of the list... good stuff. And looking on the bright side, for things we've learned, is always a good idea. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 4:41am

From a guys vantage:

There are basically two set's of rules - depending on your looks:

a) MALE UNDERPANTS MODEL

-No planning required - simply show up
-Stock up on condoms, write as little as possible, prepare for first night action- especially with new OLD'ers - who won't believe their good luck.

b) ALL OTHERS

-Dinner, calls, dinner, calls, games, dinner, calls, games, dinner, calls
-You damn well better plan out some interesting dates
-Several guys in competition with you
-Fast forward 6 months
-Drama, dinner,games - maybe relationship

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:30am

I'm with NGOL...I disagree with the first two things you list. If you're not exclusive, both of you can (and should!) continue to be online keeping your options open. With regard to the phone calls, that only applies, IMO, after you've been dating for a while. In the early stages, phone calls should be used to set up dates only, IMO...get to know each other *in person*, not on the phone!!!

You forgot to list a BIG thing that this guy did...didn't he basically disappear for weeks at a time, and YOU had to prod him to ask you out again? Classic HJNTIY!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:05am

I'm also with NGOL and Sheri on this one. Until you are exclusive AND HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT, he has every right (as do you) to cruise online and see whomever you want. Sleeping together does not equate exclusivity. And talking to you via email definitely does not equate exclusivity! I am talking to about 5 guys right now via email. Yes, it is tough to keep them straight sometimes, but none of them is my boyfriend so they can be talking to as many women as they want right now too.

Also, as for #2, I am not a big phone talker and also most guys are not big phone talkers. I dated a guy for a while that would call me almost every night and we would just chat about stuff. After a while, I started to get a little bored with it. Then later when he broke up with me and he was talking about not wanting to be tied down, he told me that he "didn't want to have to call someone every night just to chat about things"! And I said, "Well, I never ASKED you to do that! You just did it on your own!" So if you expect your guy to call to just chat, tell him that is what you expect. Don't make him read your mind.

But absolutely the second 2. A guy should listen to you and your requests and complaints - if the doesn't, obviously you should be unhappy with how he is treating you and you should move on. You deserve to be treated how you want to be treated. But I think we women expect men to read our minds a lot of times. That or we expect men to behave and think like we do - believe me, they don't! You can't do that and ever expect to be happy.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:33am
Thanks, Sheri. Yeah, you don't have to nail me down, I'm already feeling like a fool. No need to assure myself of that!
His disappearrance thing is what I mean, he didn't call for days (like 10 days - 2 wks) and after several months of sleeping together, it could be once in a while (I don't say every day or every other day) call to just see what's going on the other side, and yea, even if it's short, it's o.k. in that case. How about once in a week or once in 10 days? - since basically when we met, we were dipped into sex and didn't quite lots of time to do talking (especially soul talking stuff). I agree, sleeping doesn't guarantee anything, but I expect certain degrees of feelings, emotions and sincerity to each other, I guess I was just dreaming.I'm not talking about "I love you", I just feel it should have been a little more sincerity to what I was happy about: When I complained, he didn't even bother explaining or talking with me, he simply started cruising again. Uh, do I have a justified reason to feel that this sucks?
I just wonder.. we have great advices on others' such as what to expect or how to act etc., and how come we're hanging here? (except NGOL) Just feel like I'll never come across anyone... :(
Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:46am
LOL..funny guy..
Cyclegirl
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:25am

My intent wasn't to "nail you down", but rather to clarify what the red flags were here. It wasn't clear to me from your first post. I thought you were talking about a guy not calling every day.

In any event, don't dwell on feeling like a fool...focus, rather, on LEARNING from the experience! In this case, based on what you posted, the signs were all there from the start. I'm not saying that to rub it in, just to reiterate the lesson from HJNTIY that while there MAY be exceptions once in a great while, you have to think in terms of NOT being the exception to the rule! Next time, set your boundaries and stick to them...don't cut a guy slack who is not behaving as you need him to behave.

I can only speak for myself, but I hang out on this board because I like the people and like the support and good advice that is shared.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:29am
ditto, sheri.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:45am

Thanks, Sheri. What I meant, "why do we hang around here?" was I just wondered there seem to be many people who have sound judgement and good thoughts, and how come many of us (including me) still haven't found the special ones yet - I think we deserve better!

I have another confusion, someone explain me. When someone posts, "he's talking with me via email (not only first a few ones, but for a while) and he's still cruising a site every day." then, I see many say, "he's not that into you. Keep option open." i.e. don't have a high hope on this guy, you don't have high possibility w/ him, if he's into you, he should have quit looking etc. vs. If someone posts, "I started talking with this guy/girl via email. Should I quit cruising?" many say, "no, you should be looking." So what does it basicaly mean? I used to say the same, I used to say we should be looking until we make a firm commitment, but I've changed my idea - looking at my guy's behavior, I think it was a sign I should have interpreted long time ago. (he quit cruising after we started sleeping, but before that, he was crusing for a good amount of time.)




Edited 3/28/2005 12:49 pm ET ET by tonka04
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:49am

Well, they both mean the same thing - keep your options open. At least until the two of you have had a discussion about where you are headed, relationship-wise.

Make sense?

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