QUESTION, Is it okay to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
QUESTION, Is it okay to...
9
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:08am
Good Morning Compadres !
So I have a really important question to put out there and am looking for some open & honest responses.
Yes, I actually had a first meet with a man that I met through 'old'. We met for coffee over the weekend. Have to say my initial emotional reaction when I saw him was, wow ! very handsome ! :) and We share alot of similarities. Kept this 1st meet to about an hour.
So as for my question goes (hopefully this doesn't sound too naive but I have been out of the dating loop for such a long time, I just don't know what the right etiquette would be),
Is it okay to send him a followup email letting him know that I enjoyed spending time with him/sharing his company ????
I asked my best friend this very same question and her response was that I should just wait and let him make contact.... Any thoughts from you all would be greatly appreciated :) LM
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:17am

As a guy what I have gotten into the habit of is:

a) Asking for a date during the meet

b) Emailing immediately (within a day) to express my interest

Lack of either of those, imho, is a sign of lower interest.

JHoover (I think it was her) say's that most of the time if the guy doesn't ask during the meet then they never do. This has been my experience too.

Of all the meets that I've been on (I think about 10) -- I only had one email me immediately after. In the other cases I tried to gauge the other person's interest and I'm almost always guessing wrong (one person who I mentally wrote off called me 2 weeks after the meet to ask when we were going to dinner).

I say there is nothing wrong with the woman emailing a BRIEF note following a meet. I wouldn't make it more than too sentences. If the guy doesn't pick up on that then he's either not interested or too stupid to be BF material.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:18am

Hi Lady Marina,

Well, the nice person in me would be tempted to send an email saying I had a great time. But I wouldn't want to appear too over eager or the guys seem to ghost, as I guess over eagerness makes a person seem desparate. My younger sister keeps 'em waiting a bit and they always seem to come around her wanting more attention! The less she gives the more they want it! I know Nice Guy might say this is game playing, but it still seems to be the way many guys work, unfortunately.

If you're too nice, they aren't as interested. I know it doesn't make sense!

So I guess then my anwer is that I would wait a bit and see if he contacts you. What was said at the end of the meet - anything about talking again, meeting again, etc.?

Good luck to you!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:24am
I would definitely send a short email. Just to give the guy a little feedback, in case he was left wondering.
Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:24am

I've sent a thank you. In my case, the guy had asked me if we could go out again.We did not set a date on the first meet. I e-mailed a short, brief, "had a very nice time and look forward to seeing you again" e-mail. He never called though. Oh well. No biggie.

I probably would not have sent the "thank you" e-mail if he had not mentioned wanting to getting together again.

Cyclegirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:41am
Hey Sunshine !
Have to admit that i was so nervous during this meet that I found myself doing that 'nervous chit chat' thing if you know what I mean :)
I kept throwing out questions to him if there was too long of a pause in the conversation... Anyways to answer your question, we both stated to one another that niether of us were in the slightest disappointed attraction wise & he was very kind in saying that I looked just like I did in my photos :).
During the course of the conversation, I had mentioned something to fact that we should get together again and he responded with "like perhaps doing dinner". I let him know that I thought that would be nice but then silly nervous chit chat me had to go and say something really stupid, " yeah, but we have time to figure that out". Duh stupid me!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:33am

I would not contact him. Presumably, you thanked him for the coffee or whatever while you were on the date, and you were pleasant and enthusiastic, right? If he's interested, he'll call you and ask you out again.

It's certainly "ok" to send the email, but then you'll never know if he's just being polite in responding or if he's truly interested....

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 1:19pm

Gathering from most of the responses thus far, the concensus is leaning toward wait & let him initiate future contact... NWW you make a very valid point, afterall, I don't want someone to spend time with me out of shear politeness, rather more because he is very attracted to me and adores spending time with me. Perhaps thats what my best friend was trying to convey to me as well...
I am just going to wait ! And like you said, if he does call and/or make contact, then at least I will know that its because he is genuinely interested in me :)

Thanks to all for providing your input :) LM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:23pm
Also, if the guy was uncertain of your interest (which it doesn't sound like in this case) and that discourages him from contacting you, then you probably dodged a bullet. You want a man that will pursue you - not wuss out cause he might not have gotten 100% assurances that you were into them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:26pm

Hi LM,

I see that you decided to wait after all - probably a good choice. And no more saying, "...yeah, but we have time to figure that out..."!!! But I know we all get nervous and try to fill in those voids in conversation. So don't be too hard on yourself. We all learn from the things we've done that we don't want to repeat again...

I was thinking about the guy I am dating now and that is one of the things that has been nice about our relationship - we are ok when there is some silence between us. I think that may be because we are becoming more comfortable with eachother over time (we're early into our 3rd month).

But I know that feeling of being uncomfortable with silence on a first meet or two or even three! Yet I have found that allowing silence to happen is a way to see if the guy can carry on a conversation, how well he can keep the flow going also, even though it is hard to be quiet and let some silence occur to test this theory!

I hope he calls or emails you very soon! Good luck!

Sunshine