Something I'm thinking about

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Something I'm thinking about
18
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:44pm

Like many others who have posted here, I have found that most of the men for whom I really felt an attraction were men who were

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:04pm

Well it may not be exactly the same but I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I seem to get hung up on (I don't think love is the right word) men that I know are emotionally unavailable. Like you, I don't seem as interested in the ones that are interested in me or a real relationship.

After a great deal of soul searching and self-analysis, I made an appointment with a counsellor to get some help in dealing with the underlying issue which is likely a lack of self-confidence. I've only had two appointments but am feeling good about the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:12pm
I can relate. I can remember, even at an early age, being terrified when a boy really liked me. I think it can be easier to feel desire when there is not a threat of it really being returned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:52pm

Hi Hoov,

I have to say I have had the same feelings. I also think that I am a "fixer" or "caretaker" and think that if I can be really great to a man, I can 'help' his life be a whole lot better/sweeter/easier. In reality, that is what I want FROM a man, too! We do tend to attract and fall for the same 'type' of man, hence all of the 'mistakes'. I do not like to view it as errors, in reality, and hope it IS a learning experience and One Day...I will get it right.

Case in point: Tall One is doing EVERYthing right, and me?...well, he is either Wonderful or Totally full of bullhockey. I am too confused right now to figure it out, so I am just going with the flow and NOT doing anything (and I mean "anything"! :) too quickly this time. Maybe if I change MY ways, the outcome will be more as I wish.(ie, I Steer the S.S. Cupcake and not just get swept along in the currents of the River o' Luv!) I am letting the idea 'grow on me"..instead of hitting me like that anvil that always seems to leave the cliff's edge Juuust as I decide I like the man, as much as he likes Me...or seems to...

I often wonder..do ALL road lead to "Mattressville"? Lg,NGOL, all guy dna...what say you?

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:46am

I felt that way at one time or another, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:50am
Well, all roads usually DO end up leading to "Mattressville" - it's just a matter of whether or not you choose to take a nice, leisurely stroll or go speeding in a Ferrari.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:39am

Hi Stacey,

LOL, and don't get me wrong, I Like "Mattressville" too, just want to choose my "travel partner" wisely, as we all do!

Things I do not like about me...I think/agonize/worry WAYYYYY too much about things. I am less impulsive than I used to be where men are concerned, which is a Good thing--but still working on tightening the reins on that! I need to Not be so accomodating, at times, and I Need to have more "I Disease"; I put myself last and will get sad about that, when I end up not getting what I want. But, it is Only my fault! I can be a Brat when I want something, but Tall Man just told me on our last date that he likes that idea, and getting what you want is "good" --awwwwww....yeah! My reply was that I would Find a way to get what I wanted and he would Probably enjoy the ride there! ;)

I want to adopt Every stray animal I see...but I Like that trait! I WANT Billy Currington ("I'm Havin a Party" with Shania), but that is something I will have to build a bridge and Get Over,huh?

Truly,
Cupcake

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:55am

No, I can't say I have experienced the thing about seeing qualities in men I'm not attracted to that mirror my own worst qualities...but this concept is one of the themes in Harville Hendrix's work on relationships. You might find his work interesting. "Keeping the Love You Find" is his book geared towards singles ("Getting the Love You Want" is his book for couples).

As for being attracted to unavailable men, yes, I have dealt with and continue to deal with that. "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter has been a big help to me in that regard.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:50am
I like Billy Currington, too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:18pm

I was going to mention the Harville Hendrix thing too Sheri. It really speaks to that.
Here is a quote from a review at Amazon that tells about the "Keeping the Loved You Find."

"I find the author's "Imago" theory -- based on the belief that we subconciously seek out partners that resemble our parents because they trigger childhood wounds and/or parts of ourselves we have disowned, and the reason for this is that our subconcious has a deep yearning for those wounds to be healed, and for us to reclaim our shadow parts and become whole again. Is that long-winded enough ??? There's no magic answers here, but reading this book you may begin to understand why you repeat the same destructive behaviors in relationships, and begin to realize that far from being something that's beyond your control, it is in fact patterns that your subconcious is deliberately recreating, and will in fact continue to do so until you conciously decide to heal."

This has really helped me understand the decisions I'm making and why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 2:41pm

His work is great. I do believe what he says is very true. That is the reason I don't cut the people from my life that I probably should. Everyone, especially a SO comes into your life for a reason. It is a lot easier to figure out the reason first, but it does have to take it's course. I learned this from my last BF (who still won't give up) yet he won't get married either. During the first 8 months of our relationship, I took everything he did very personally. Since I came to the conclusion of why he is here in my life, I can't take it personally anymore. NOr does he hold the power over me like he use to. Do we still continue to go out, yes we do. That connection is there. I am trying very hard to find the connection with someone else, but it has been difficult. However, I do see his ploy to get me to do what he wants me to do and I just don't go for it anymore. I do date others, I have a profile posted. He asked me to take it down again because he is content with me and I told him no. He knows what I want and I won't settle for just dating him.

He took me to Vegas this past weekend and the more time I actually spend with him, the more I think "why would I actually want to be married to someone like this." So this slow process has been good.

So many articles will tell you to cut the person from your life completely, but I do believe we will keep attracting the same type of person until we can figure out why this person is there and become happy with what we are doing instead of thinking we will be happy once this person commits (that just won't happen). From all this I have learned taht I am just as scared as committment as he is and that is why it has been a good fit, but I do actually want to try to work on this and that is why I will not settle for what he has offered. Unless it comes wrapped in a two carat yellow diamond (then we will talk).;)

I don't know if any of this made sense, as jh said she has been pondering this idea for a long time, I think we have been going back and forth with it...There should probably be a message board on this topic. I think it would solve a lot of issues instead of trying to figure out why someone is doing what they are doing, we need to figure out why we accept it and if we do the same thing in a different way.

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