Need advice..OT

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Need advice..OT
12
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 7:25pm

Hey guys,

This is way off topic, but over the last few weeks I have come to value all of your opinions and I know you will guide me in the right direction. Almost 4 years ago I dated a guy that I loved very much. I was 22 at the time and he was 23, We broke up because of his parents and some race issues. Well let me be more specific, I broke up with him because he would not stand up to them. His mother would make racial comments about me and she never even met me. It was a lot to deal with at the time so I decided to walk away. Its been a very long time and he has only dated one other person seriously since we broke up, I have dated a few guys but only one seriously/long term myself. In october he called me a few times, but we didn't hang out or go out etc. He called me again yesterday and I was really pleasantly surprised to hear from him. Now he wants to go out on a date, im seriously wondering If I should even risk going out with him again. I bought myself some time because I am sick right now with tonsillitis, but I promised I would give it some serious thought and let him know. For the record, He still lives at home with his parents, I am not sure if we will have the same problems over again but I am a lot older now and I don't think it would affect me the same way.
When we were dating, everything else was pretty good. I do think about him from time to time but have never pursued anything with him. I have never ever dated anyone again after we broke up so IF I do decide to do it, Id like to be really sure of what im getting into. Id really like to hear what you guys have to say about this. If you need more information I will gladly provide it, right now im not really sure what im writing lol.

Thanks,

GM

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 7:53pm

Speaking from experience...

Unless you know for a fact that things have changed, unless he has grown to the point where he will stand up to his parents, unless he has had some sort of revealation, I would not pursue this.

My first love is a different race than I am. We were together for close to 2 years, talked about marriage, etc. In the end, I broke up with him because he wouldn't take the stand for me. Well fast forward 10 years later, we got back together for a bit and it was heartbreak all over again. Why? Because the issues were still there. Nothing had changed, except for us getting older.

If he's asking for a romantic date, I would ask him what has changed. Pick his brain a bit to figure out if something really has changed. And most of all, trust your guts. If you think it will end up the same way, LISTEN to yourself.

Keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:36pm

IF you think he has changed and grown up enough to stand up to his mommy, then why not? BUT it is very important that you determine whether or not he has changed and if he is willing to stand up for you now and not allow his mother to treat you badly because of your race. On that also, it is likely that even if he changed, his mom hasn't. He could have grown up and learned to stand on his own feet, but his mother is older and probably more set in her beliefs. Her attitude probably hasn't changed and she still might make your life miserable.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:15pm

I am sorry that you had to experience that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:54pm
Forget the race issue, it's four years later and he still lives at home! Clearly, mommy means a lot to him (like free food, laundry, opinions...) Unless he lives in an incredibly expensive area like San Fran, Manhattan or the like there is no reason for it (unless maybe if he's in grad school) - and even in places like that people get roommates that aren't mommy. If he's still living at home 4 years later he's truly in the same place, literally and figuratively. Sounds like he's calling you up because he likes things staying the same. Don't even think about it - move on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:03pm
I don't think that his living at home with his parents has any bearing on his maturity level. He is the youngest of three, none of his siblings moved out until they got married. He is still in school btw. Also, I do live in NY so I understand why someone in school full time, although they have a full time job, would opt to live at home. I know PLENTY of 26 year olds that live at home with their parents. I completely agree with Vexer about being second to mom, and I will give it careful consideration, I definitely won't be leaping before I look. Its very easy to expect someone to make some kind of grand gesture based on principle, but even I cannot say I have been in a position where I had to choose between my parents and my boyfriend. At 23, I am sure he wasn't ready for an interracial relationship and all that it entailed, you never really know if your parents/ family is prejudiced until you bring someone home that they dont approve of. I am by no means glossing over what happened in the past, I am trying to make allowances where they may be due. That does not mean that I would have done anything differently if I could do it over again. But...given the situation, I think the idea of giving him/us a second chance should at least be examined before I walk away.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:37pm
I'm sorry, but read your post over again - you're making all kinds of excuses for him. Countries like Japan and Italy are having huge problems with their marriage age men because so many of them continue to live with their mothers. This is a guy who doesn't know what it's like to even run his own household if he's always lived with mom. Make as many excuses for him as you like, but that's the reality. And, I live in Manhattan and have lived in many major cities - men don't live with mommy unless they're mamma's boys. She's going to be more important than you. And if she's the type to make outright racial comments (and apparently since you've never met her he's the type to tell you) then I guarantee you that he knew about. People who have not problem making these kinds of comments outloud aren't closet racists.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:13pm

I am a little confused by your reply to my post.
<<>>

Is this a fact? If so i'd really be interested in reading the documentation about it.

<>

There are guys that live on their own or with roommates at 26 who STILL don't know how to run their own household. In fact, NO one does until they actually do it, that is like saying, just because you have never been a parent you will be a bad one when you have children. It is a learning experience for everyone, just because he has not lived on his own doesn't mean he will be unsuccessful running a household.

<<>
This is opinion..I just don't agree with it.

I really don't think I made any excuses for him, I said I was not glossing over the past I was trying to be as objective and fair as possible. Maybe guys under 30 living at home should be another thread? I did say I would proceed carefully and make sure that I should get involved with him again.
GM

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 11:53pm

I think you argued points with every single person that said to NOT go out with him, which tells me you've already made up your mind to go out with him unless someone comes up with a really good reason.

Have a good time on your date.

Remember that plenty of people here pointed out that if he hasn't changed, you are bound to come up against the same issues again, which means you'll probably be miserable the same way again, which means when you come back we can tell you "we told you so".

Finally... there's plenty of other boards that might be more appropriate for general relationship questions or interracial dating questions; they might have better answers or aspects of the situation for you to think about than we can come up with here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:24am

Actaully, to give credit where it was due - it was ginger that said you'd always be second to mom. :-)

But she is right!




Edited 4/5/2005 10:25 am ET ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:40pm

Hi NGOL..
Did you breeze through my initial post as well as all of my replies???
Did you also miss my opening where I said that I only asked on this board because I trust the opinions of the people on this board??
I re-read my responses as well as everyone elses so I dont think its a comprehension problem on my end.

I SAID: That I will give it careful consideration before I make any type of move and I will weigh my options carefully.

Also for the record... I'd really question anyone who would put their parents second for someone they are not married to. I don't know but thats just me..WHEN you get married or make a SERIOUS life altering commitment to someone then the scales should tip but not before then.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Pages