Intuition - Knowing he lied
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| Mon, 04-04-2005 - 1:34pm |
Hi all, I have a question.
I've been chatting on the phone and on MSN instant messenger with a guy who lives about 45 minutes from me since mid February.
Our initial contact was only for work out purposes (we both train, and he's more experienced than I). Nevertheless, after our first phonecall that night back in February, we both said we felt something a bit stronger for eachother and pursued that.
Our phonecalls ranged from 1 hour to 5 hours - every night. We are still pretty close and I even spoke to him last night. However, there is a dilemma I'm having and I'm here to ask for some opinions because, well, it's a dealbreaker for me.
We were supposed to meet on Saturday. He doesn't drive, I do, so I was going to pick him up and we would either go to a pub or to his place (he lives at home) to watch a movie or two. Last Thursday, he told me that he and his family had to go out of town because of a family death. Therefore, our first 'meet' would be cancelled. I wished him well (although we got into a HUGE fight that night afterwards, and not about him having to cancel, but I'll explain that another time).
So, Saturday morning, 4am, he IM's me from what he says is his relatives computer. I had already gone to bed from a night out. Next morning, I catch his IM but he's offline. Now, for those of you who know MSN, we have the option of putting a picture up of ourselves. There was no picture of him, telling me that he was indeed not on his own PC because obviously, the MSN IM program had no wya of pulling a picture file from another computer where no such file existed.
However, Saturday afternoon he IM's me again and I'm actually at my desk. I was surprised, because there was a picture of him FLEXING his big muscles on there. This is odd. There is nobody at his home PC to email this to him, and there is no way he would've emailed that pic to his relative unless he is more strange than I thought. It was a comnplete vanity pic, showing his back, all pumped up like Ahhhhnold, lol.
Something within me is saying "Nuh-uh"...he lied. Perhaps he was broke, which he alluded to earlier in the week. We are supposed to get together this Thursday coming up, at his instistence now (so that makes me feel good). However, something will NOt stop nagging within me. Perhaps it's the fact that he was on a dating site at 3am at his relatives place (where we met), then cruising it off and on all day when he should've been at another relatives place (so he told me they were going visiting). I know we are all different people, but I'd bet my lunch many of us wouldn't be taking over a relative's computer, especially if we haven't seen them in years, only to surf a dating site (likely looking for me as well, since there are forums there I'm always on). I would be embarrassed to do that in my family.
You know when something just doesn't sit right with you, and you know you are not being overly cautious yet you don't want to believe someone might have told a lie? Perhaps it was to save himself embarrassment, because we DO get along, even as friends, but I hate being lied to.
I'm also sure that part of my scepticism is also due to the huge argument we had. But I keep thinking:
- at cousin's house, in another city
- on cousin's computer
- cruising dating site all day when a funeral was supposed to be going on
- crusing dating site when family was supposed to be visiting and they were making their own rounds to various family (his words)
- MSN picture is up, yet he isn't on his pc so where did the file come from.
- he isn't particularly close with his 'cousins' either, or at least not close enough to be sneidng vanity shots like that (hey, nothing wrong with vanity shots, got my own too, but they don't get sent out to my 2nd and 3rd cousins, lol)
What would you think in this situation? I just cannot pinpoint what exactly it is I am uneasy about.
Your advice would be appreciated, but, lol, please be kind. I do like the man, and I suppose all of us are trying to avoid a bad apple (not saying he is one, but who knows).
Edited 4/4/2005 1:39 pm ET ET by dbl007


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That was a nice lengthy post but everything after "I've been chatting on the phone and on MSN instant messenger with a guy who lives about 45 minutes from me since mid February." is just added info.
You best hope you get along with Mr. Muscles or believe me you're going to feel like you wasted 2 months chatting with him...
Yeah, I know you don't care because you guys were training - but believe me the "meet asap" rule exists for a reason -- and it's there so you don't romanticize the other person to a level that they can never meet.
Thanks for NOT reading my post.
The ADDED info is very important to me, as we had serious reasons that prevented us from meeting. The first was a safety protocol that I use. I like to chat with someone for a few weeks, then meet. Also, we both had vacations planned, taking me away fro two weeks, him for one.
But you are right in the meet 'asap' rule...as 'asap' as is safe mind you.
:(
Edited 4/4/2005 1:59 pm ET ET by dbl007
Edited 4/4/2005 2:02 pm ET ET by dbl007
I hope waiting works for you.
I just wasted 3 weeks chatting with someone who wanted to email and phone every day and I'll never do it again. (Yup, all sorts of "stuff" came up that delayed the meeting).
Until you experience it you probably won't understand why many people adopt that rule.
Oh, I'm experiencing it, and I do understand.
However, in light of this situation that I am in, this is not the problem since we were up front about it right from the beginning.
I do and will continue to practice a safety buffer zone, meaning that I will try to meet the person within 3 weeks of chatting. That, in our case, was not plausible, although we kept in contact with eachother constantly - even on our vacations.
Nonetheless, this is not the problem that I came here looking for advice on. Could it be that you are saying that he did indeed lie? However, from your message, I got that you did not appreciate the length of my post and thus ignored everything after the first paragraph.
LOL, you're funny LG....and that is exactly what I thought as well.
Y'know...I called him last Wednesday and told him I was going to come up. That's right, let's just get this show on the road and go for a hot chocolate. He wasn't into that.
I'm fed up with the wait, and our argument (on Thursday evening) was on the basis that I have stalled too long. It confused me and angered me because I have made so many plans for him to come along once we got our initial meet out of the way. Also, I've never backed out of one meeting with him. In fact, I'm ready to bail if I don't meet him within the next seven days (was feeling like that last week).
We've exhanged a million pictures, we've chatted on webcam (useful in getting to know the other person's actions) and I was ready to roll on Wednesday, but he didn't seem to willing so I left it.
NOW however, he mentioned last night about us getting together at his house on Thursday. I dunno....his house? I'm going to work on that, making it a coffee shop instead - if it ever comes to fruition. And if it doesn't...well it's off to the gym for me to meet someone the old fashioned way.
Thanks for your input.
You ask for advice yet you want us to be kind....
My first reaction was that he lied to you. I hope he hasn't, but time will tell I guess. Best of luck to you as you decipher your feelings on this situation.
Sunshine
I'm confused....I reread your post a couple of times, and it wasn't any clearer...why exactly do you think he lied, and about what?
Thanks Sunshine,
Who says you can't give advice and be kind at the same time? Lol...seriously though, I've been on ivillage for a few years now and sometimes I just want to reach in and grab some of those who post such nasty comments, sheltered by the anonymity of the internet. You know the type. Also, it was tongue in cheek....although it's hard to decipher that in words sometimes....
Nonetheless....how does one confront a liar? Or, would a silent walking away from the situation as a whole be better?
I'm not doubting your instincts either, Sunshine. They just confirmed mine.
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