On being picky

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
On being picky
9
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 6:48am

I was reading a few of the posts in the eHarmony thread and the concept of pickiness came up. What is too picky? What is not picky enough? I wrestle with this all the time with OLD. I say I wrestle with it all the time with OLD not b/c there's something unique about OLD, just that it's the only venue I've had for dating for a long time. Anyway, this pickiness thing is elusive, wouldn't you agree?

There was one thing I failed to mention in my response to the EH thread. I found that going through their process for my must-haves and can't-stands seemed to help me articulate and prioritize my pickiness. Once I formed my list then I stood back and ranked them. I found where some were just absolutes and some were just really important but probably less vital. This process really helped me clarify my standards. It seemed to give language to that elusive gut instinct, too.

So, I'd love to hear how others settle this pickiness issue. I'm tired of being at both ends of the spectrum, sitting at home with my "high standards" or out on a lousy date being more "broad-minded".

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 9:07am

For me it is something of a moving target.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 9:21am

Some people will say it's not possible to be too picky. In other words, they believe that if a person has certain personal preferences, then that is just what they are looking for and they should not settle for less.

I disagree. I think there are certain preferences that are not-negotiable and there are some that are.

A good example is the guy seamus is dating right now. She wrote a few weeks ago about how he was not as tall as she would normally prefer, but he had a ton of great qualities. I think a lot of the advice to her was to keep seeing him, because he sounded like a good catch. I agree with that advice, because she could have easily said "I want a guy just like him, only taller". We all know that there are way more "duds" out there in the dating world than there are princes, so looking for that might be unrealistic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:41pm

Eric, I agree with what you said, "...I think there are certain preferences that are not-negotiable and there are some that are..." There are some things that I have to have but others that I could let go for the right person.

As with Seamus, the guy I am dating now did not fit my criteria totally, but I continued to see him because there was something there that caught my interest... He is not as good looking as the men I usually date, yet he is nicer, more thoughtful, more caring, follows through on everything, and is growing more and more to my liking the more we see eachother. Yet had you asked me before if I could picture myself dating a guy like him, I would have answered no.

I think I was caught up before on the drama and excitement of not knowing if they will call back, follow through, etc., basically the unknown, and it keeps you on the edge....nervous somewhat but excited also. That was what I had grown used to even in my marriage.

So I had to adapt and realize that it is a good thing to have a person in your life that is more constant and dependable, and that they can be just as much fun as the bad boys, yet have the added benefit of being more true and caring to you.

So I took a chance with someone different and it has been a really good thing. I feel that I am less picky now.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:55pm

I do believe you can be too picky. I have a friend who has this laundry this that is just ridiculous. Half of the qualities she is requiring in a partner, she does not possess herself. Sometimes, when we have overly high expectations of another person it's a reflection of our own discomfort with ourselves or a way to keep people at arm's length.

I think it's very important to re-evaluate your "list" often. It's a really difficult thing to do - knowing which are critical versus those that are sabotaging.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 2:22pm

Hi Dari,

You said, "...Half of the qualities she is requiring in a partner, she does not possess herself..." I find that ironic sometimes also with body size, when these guys want only thin, athletic and toned, etc. and when you see their profile and they have a much overweight body and have checked the *athletic* criteria for themselves. Yeah they want someone thin and fit but aren't that way themselves???

You also said, "...Sometimes, when we have overly high expectations of another person it's a reflection of our own discomfort with ourselves or a way to keep people at arm's length..." and I do believe that you are right there.

Being too critical of others and what we want in a partner can eliminate many possible dates...

I posted on another thread, that kind of relates some to this topic - *Knowing what we want in a partner* - which was based off of a good article that I read. But since it was somewhat different, I posted it on a separate thread.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: opal45
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 10:10pm

Hi SS,

Once again, I am happy to say A-to-th'-Men, you are preachin' to the choir and putting my exact thoughts into words! Thank you!

I did the same with Tall Man--who you can tell met my 6 feet or over criteria, but he was right At my high end of the age range I set. I think I can brat the age thing a bit at times, as I am lucky to look younger than my 48 (49 next week! :) So, I chose that as my 'high end'. He mentioned that the other day, when he asked how young Was the youngest I have gone out with.

Yet, if he had been a year or two over my age range, I still would have given him a chance; I liked what his profile said and the 'feeling' in general, before we met.

What I do NOT get is when you are Everything listed on their profile: fit/toned/athletic/independent/ok financially, kids are teens, etc and then they do not take up on you!! Again, as I said to Him the other night: OLD is a Candy Shop, and that can cause probs in these relationships at times...but it is Also the only way I would have met this man. So 'good angel/bad angel' this, and deal with it!

And so we roll on....

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: opal45
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:29pm

I hear what you all are saying, and I think that for the most part, you really can't be too picky, because again, you're either dating all the losers and wasting time, or not dating only but the "cream" of your crop, which I prefer. (Of course, ask me how many dates this has netted me!)

But, then there's the whole "online and not in person" thing that still irks me a bit. Now, of course I want a gorgeous guy, which is not to say that I wouldn't go for a decent-looking one instead, but it's harder for me to make that distinction online rather than IRL, where you're getting a feel simultaneously for his looks AND demeanor. It's very difficult to decide even after a few emailings back and forth if it's worth it to me to pick a guy who I like well enough personality-wise, but not so much looks-wise, whereas if it were IRL, I could pretty much decide after spending a few hours together, after less time online was invested.

Now, I decided last night that I was going to look for Mr. Right not only within 50 miles of where I live, but throughout the whole COUNTRY instead, since the local thing has been LESS than fruitful in these past few years. I think I was being picky in thinking that Mr. Right could NOT be in another state, and that he just HAD to be within driving distance of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: opal45
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:53pm

Just an update on the guy I was concerned was too short for me...

We've been dating 3-1/2 weeks now; took my profile down just tonight (his came down 3 weeks ago...)

I figured I could nitpick my way OUT of finding something truly special, or I could COMMIT to something that could be truly special. So far, he seems to be that -- cupcake, if you're reading, we're in the same place as you & Tall Guy -- it's uncanny how he is doing everything so incredibly RIGHT.

Before I met him, I'd spent a lot of time alone, thinking about what I wanted, and I think you stop being picky (about things like height, anyway) when you decide that you genuinely want a relationship. Before I'd done the "inner work", I could easily disqualify a guy for something like not being as tall as I want or wearing a wife beater in his photo. And I think a lot of folks on this board (myself previously included) are inclined to "NEXT" someone for reasons that say more about the fact that they're not ready, than for anything having to do with the other person.

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: opal45
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 4:17pm

Usually the most "pickiness" relates to someones appearance.

I've learned to not pre-judge too much just by a picture you see posted on an ad or something.

I've met women that didn't have a very flattering picture that were actually quite beautiful in person. Sometimes it is more of how a person carries themselves rather than how they look in a static photo.

I've also met women that had a great looking photo that were just total biatches in person and had crummy attitudes, to me, I would consider those women ugly in most regards.

I am generally most picky on intelligence and attitude more than anything, looks are still important, but I'm not as picky as a lot of guys are in that regard.

Ultimately, I think that women are more picky than men, but of course that is my own personal experiences as well.

Bryan