Commitment-phobic, anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Commitment-phobic, anyone?
34
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 9:04am
Question 1. I have a sinking suspicion that the guy I am about to see today for the second time has serious commitment issues. Am I wasting my time? Can these people ever change? I have read an article sometime ago that suggest - run the other way while you still can.
Question 2. If a guy is 36 and has been doing old for at least 5 years - that's a bad sign, isn't it?
Any advice here?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 9:14am

I personally think that "commitmentphobia" is a handy, pop-culture buzzword for "He's just not that into you."

But that said, I will say I spent a small fortune on all the commitmentphobia self-help books out there when I was in a relationship that fit that criteria. We broke up and got back together three times before I said "enough."

The books say that yes, he can change, but only with lots of therapy for BOTH of you (no, there's nothing wrong with you; you just have to be there to support him). Long-term relationships are challenging enough, do you really want to START OUT that way?? Shouldn't it be fun and easy at the beginning? If you've got your doubts after ONE meeting, tread lightly, darlin'!

I don't find the five years OLD an enormous red flag; has he dated anyone seriously in those five years?

Google "commitmentphobia" and you'll find lots of links and articles... but be careful. It's like your horoscope, you can always make the words fit your circumstance.

Good luck -

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 10:58am

<>

He didn't!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:31am

I've been using OLD on-off for

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 3:23pm

I have been OLD since 1998.

Although take out time in 99-00, for the
dream girl, I met on the internet on a mutual interest
site.

Take out 2001-2002 for dating my HS sweetheart again that
didn't work out at all.

Also, I typically only pay for (and that means respond to smileys)
about 25% of the year.

In short, I would say its not a red flag. OLD is very, very difficult.

I'm not committment pholic. I'd jump all over a girl if she would actually
show up for the second date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 5:03pm

>>I have a sinking suspicion that the guy I am about to see today for the second time has serious commitment issues.<<

Okay, hang on. The two clauses in your sentence break down to this:

Part One: "about to see for the second time"
Part Two: "commitment issues"

Second date? That's a time to get to know someone! Sheesh, by a second date sometimes you're still working to remember their NAME. :)

Seriously... if you're worrying about "commitment issues" PRIOR to a SECOND DATE, you're worrying WAY too much, too early, about nothing.

Are you expecting a marriage proposal, or even a "let's get serious and date mutually exclusively" talk on the second date? If you're not, why on earth worry about whether or not he's got commitment issues?

As far as the other questions... I'm 36 and had been doing OLD off and on over at least 5 years. I sincerely hope that's not a "bad sign" about me. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 7:43pm
Well, I did go on the second date and gosh, I had to break it off early.
I was so bummed. This guy doesn't have any kind of direction career-wise. He comes from a wealthy family and his dad was a very famous physician here in town. This guy is very smart but he has no vision to where to use his knowledge and smarts. He keeps changing his career. He "works for himself" now and I feel it's basically another word for unemployed while interviewing for research jobs. He keeps saying how he always wanted to be a med doc but failed to get into med school. This is a total unstable mess and gives me creeps. On one hand - he is a good conversationalist but he completely lacks drive and seems to have way too many issues so I fear that commitment-phobia is just a tip of the iceberg.
After I told him that I don't think we are a match and we parted, he called me and asked why AGAIN and to give him feedback. I didn't mind it so I basically told him the above. Somehow he managed to ask me out again and I said - YES. How did this happen?
He says that money is not a problem for him but he commented on how one of the restaurant choices was pricey (and it's not!!). Yesterday during our 1st meet the check just laied there on the table until I picked it up. And he said "how much damage is there?" I thought it was really odd. I offered to pay for the half of it but he said that just the tip will do. I gave him $10. He paid with plastic and gave me $3 back and pocketed the rest of cash. Now common, isn't it at least a little strange?
I am thinking of ghosting!


Edited 4/17/2005 7:47 pm ET ET by ivos2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 8:47pm

Curious, why did you say yes the second time?

He must be an Adrian Paul look alike....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 8:56pm

No it doesn't.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 9:08pm

Even AFTER looking him up on Google, I have no freaking clue who Adrian Paul is.

He must be a Southern thing...

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 9:25pm

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I don't know, that's what I am asking myself now..I guess I don't have anything else going on right now plus there is always a good reason to ghost :)

<>

No, no Adrian Paul either. Hmm.

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