I told DBF I am ready to have sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
I told DBF I am ready to have sex
11
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:49am

After having a very long talk with my roommate, who has known me for years I realized I was brining my negative past sexual experiences into my relationship with my DBF, which isn't fair to me or him, and had I been a virgin when I met him, or had my first experience been possitive, he and I would have had sex a long time ago. Very suddenly, I just knew, I was ready! I love him I want to be with him and I want to go there with him.

So I told him. He doesn't believe me. And we got into a fight.

Firstly, I sent him a text and asked if he had time- an evening and a morning or a full day to spend with me in the coming weeks. he wnted to know what was up, so I texted him I was ready... And he didn't respond, so I sent him another and said did he want me to speel it out for him??? He said yes, so I did... I wnt to go out to dinner and get dressed up and go to a hotel, you get the gist. he didn't respond. So after like an hour I asked if he didnt believe me and he sent meone of those tsupid happy faces with the tongue sticking out, to which MY thought was, WTH?!

So we get online here tonight and after talking about a slew of other things, his jobfor one-
(he does not think he is going to take teh DC job, but has now been informed-
not offered a position in NY. To which I now see is going to be a continual
problem for us, will he go and when and where?)
And After we finished with that, I repeated that I was ready and blah blah blah. His response? He's going to bed. EXCUSE ME? It took me 7 months of thinking and 5 months of dating to get to teh point where I am confidant of taking taht step with you and YOURE GOING TO BED?! EXCUSE ME?
Then I go into the self-depricating thoughts- he's cheating, he's not attraced to me, he doesn't want to, he wants to break up, he thinks I have a disease, he thinks Im fat...

He keeps "playing" with me. i ask him over and over and tell him over adn over that he is making me upset, I am being serious, i wnt to be with you. he, again, makes the tongue face and says its time for BED.
I tell him you cant play games like this with girls david, they start getting insecure and I say, if you wlak away form this and dont answer me i am going to be thinking all these things(insert self depricating thoughts...lol)
He respond with he likes messing withme and doesnt see why I am so upset.
HELLO!?
I am upset and hurt and my PMS self's first thought I am going to f-ing dump you you a-hole. Realizing this is not exactly a positive thing to say, I refrained...
SO I finally got him to answer me, his response? He half-doesnt believe me and half says, "we'll see". You know how that makes me feel? Like crap. Like, OMG I shouldnt be having sex with this person if this is his response... which i dont want to bethinking.. I dont know, am I right in thinking that? or am i overreacting?

He said we could discuss is further tomorrow, and I could "continue my explainations if I wish" so I asked him how we'd be talking- legitimate question, he's not usually online during the week, did he want me to call him or meet him or what? Then he gets pissed starts swearing at me and says hes been trying ot go to bed for 20mmins and i keep asking him questions. I am thinking, HELLO, you would have been in bed 20 mins ago if you had just answered the friggin question rather than "mess with" me
So know this is MY FAULT? ARGH! and :(
It's not supposed to BE like this!
When I tell him I am relaly ready to make love to him, he's supposed to be excited and happy and plan it with me ( we have always had this master plan of going somewhere dressing up going to dinner dancing and going back to a really nice room, with a spa, balcony etc. We both wanted to make an event of it. We both wanted ti to be somehting special)
Now I am thinking, does he just use me too? Does he not care about me or know me? Why was he so insensitive? Does he just think I am never going to go there with him? I tol dhim I was ready, and that was set in stone for me by saying it. But him acting like this makes me think maybe its a mistake. Maybe he's a jerk too. Maybe he's using me, maybe he's all he oculd get so he just took it.

I am friggin' confused and UPSET.
Somebody help me think.
Am I just overreacting?
Emily

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:33am

Umm, I think you clicked on the wrong board maybe? This is a dating board. Or in my case, why-can't-I-get-a-date board.

I would recommend the dating doyenne or guy talk boards for good advice on your problem.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:49pm
Actually I started out on this board. My bf and I met online and dated online for 2 months before actually meeting ( he was working out of state)
So i came here, because most of our interaction is still online as was this fight and I wanted to some feedback from any of you, becuase I am/was one of you and after this mess will possibly be rigth back here
Anybody have an opinion??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:22pm

I had a little trouble following your story, but it sounded like this all took place via IM?

I think it's a mistake to have intimate conversations anyplace else than in person. ESPECIALLY one that holds so much significance for you.

Basically, it sounds like you offered him up yourself and he yawned and said, yeah, whatever. Then said he was kidding around.

His butt would be making a very serious dent in the curb near my house were he my man...

1. he trivialized something that's really important to you.
2. he admitted 'messing with your head' as if it were a recreational sport.
3. he rejected you sexually.
4. he has a serious problem with emotional intimacy.

Tell us some of the good things about this guy if there are any. He sounds like a cad to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:32pm

Well, I am also with amjay in that even tho you met this guy online and your communication is online, I think it would be good if you posted on one of the dating boards or sex boards too. They can probably help.

But since you did come here, I'll give my 2 cents. I think your initial instinct of him being a jerk and dumping him was a pretty good one! He should not be trivializing this especially when he knows how big of a deal this is for you. It took a lot for you to do this and if he has been with you and loves you, he would know that and not make light of it. His nonchalant attitude and "messing with you" is cruel. And no, I don't think you should be having sex or "making love" (whatever you want to call it) with someone that would belittle your feelings like that especially when he knows what it means to you.

On that, though - I totally agree that you should not be talking about this AT ALL on text, IM, email or anything but in person or at the minimum on the phone. I don't think you should have texted him that you "were ready" and aksing about a night or day that would work for him. It doesn't matter if you usually arrange your dates online - this is more than a date. This is you telling the guy that you love who supposedly loves you that you are willing to overcome your issues and be with him because you love him. This is something better shared IN PERSON.

So while his rude, callous response is no excuse, I think that talking about your first time together is too intimate to be discussed over IM or text message! His other comment of "you can continue your explanations if you wish" was even more rude and it keeps getting worse with him swearing at you! I definitely think you need to TALK to this guy (not IM, not text, not email) and tell him how much his reaction hurt you. You need to understand why he acted this way before you sleep with him. I would say just dump him, but he owes you an explanation. THEN dump him.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 6:18pm

Well, like others have said, you need to quit communicating online in general. I think it's fine to text or IM to confirm plans, but when you've been dating for 5 months, you should at the very least be talking on the phone on a regular basis. I just think that the phone should be your first mode of communication if you can't see each other. If he has a problem with that, that's red flag #1 that he has issues.

As for the whole sex thing, all I can say is why in the world would you want to do something so intimate with someone who basically treated you like crap when you brought it up? I totally agree with this:

"His butt would be making a very serious dent in the curb near my house were he my man...

1. he trivialized something that's really important to you.
2. he admitted 'messing with your head' as if it were a recreational sport.
3. he rejected you sexually.
4. he has a serious problem with emotional intimacy."

Regardless of his "wonderful" traits, how he treated you in regards to all this negates all those "wonderful" traits. I mean, they kind of blow them out of the water, so to speak. "Messing with your head" is a classic trait of a manipulator. From what it sounds like, this guy is totally bad news and will probably screw you up more in regards to intimacy (of every kind). Always go with your instincts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 7:47pm

(I posted on like 7 boards, I'm covered, but I want different opinions from different people becuase I always talk to teh same people who always have the same responses...)

You asked what he does that IS good?

* When I first disclosed my sexual history and how I felt about sex and intimacy and waiting... he tol dme we had our whole lives ot have sex and there was no rush. We would wait. He also said he wouldn't be ready right away, he needed certain feelings for me, and nothing could be "missing". He honored that. He let me know when his feelings changed and he was ready, even though it wasnt the same time as I, he has never pressured me or tricked me or anything. he has never "tried" anything.

* He wants to know what I think, and asks. If I am quiet, he wnats to know what I am thinking.

*He kisses my forehead everytime he hugs and kisses me goodbye.

* He tells me how much he likes me, with a big goofy grin on his face.

* We play together. We wrestle. lol I love that.

*he always holds my hand. ALways. Even when he's mad at me.

* we always talk it out. we never really FIGHT, its more like a discussion. And he's neveer sworn at me in person, ever. When we fight in person, we cuddle up, hol deach other and talk and thats it.

* When my grandmother died, on easter, at midnight, he came over, despitethe fact he had food posioning and actually threw up in the gutter outside my apt, and had to be at work at 8am the next morning. He came over, crawled into bed with me, and held me while i cried. He hugged me and stroked my hair, and helped me fall asleep. (BTW, yes he did smell a bit of vomit...lol)

* .. I am getting all weepy and mushy so im going to stop there...theres more, but i need ot go ponder or something important like that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 8:02pm

He might have done some nice things in the past, but his response to you when you revealed you were ready to take the next step with him, I feel, was very rude, especially for a person that is supposed to care about you and that you are in a relationship with. I couldn't imagine a response like that.

Is he a non-sexual type person? Maybe he doesn't really like sex much as I know some people are like that, and so the way your relationship has been so far has been perfect for him, and now you are throwing a wrench into the the well running mixture and I think it freaked him out. Maybe he thought you would never be ready and he was comfortable with that.

But no matter what type of guy he is, I feel that his response was very strange and rude and hurtful to you. I agree with the others here that you should only talk about this stuff with him in person, not online. Your relationship is past the online stage from what you have said.

After talking to him in person, if he is still acting way weird about the whole thing I would definitely consider that a red flag on does he really want to be more involved in a relationship with you. Something is just not right here at all and I hope that he has not been leading you on to think a more involved relationship is possible if he can't commit to more.

Go with your gut instinct and do what you feel is right. People on these boards can tell you many things, but you have to go with your own feelings. I just hope you don't continue to allow him to treat you in this way - it's very inappropriate and mean. Good luck with everything.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 11:38pm

My advice: dump him.

You poured out your heart to him numerous times and he crushed you. Deliberately. Do you realize how extremely cold that is?

This is going to be hard for you to take in, because you are obviously very emotionally involved, but he doesn't love you. You've brought this up something like 5 times (lost count in your story), and he blew you off every time?

He's either playing a cruel game on you or worse. Be thankful you didn't have sex with him.

please, let's try to restore your dignity here. Stop calling and emailing him. Move on.
You shouldn't have to beg him to have sex with you. Don't degrade yourself anymore. Save yourself for someone who isn't a jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:52am

You may have a point...

And I don't understand him at all. He has been so bi-polar lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:56am
Em, we need an update. Have you seen him in person since the cruel blowoff? What did he say? What did YOU say? What have you decided to do?

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