Thanks for asking. I hadn't posted much about him because I feel like everyone will jump on me, but honestly, I dislike him more and more all the time.
I finally outlined it in a few specific but big ways that I don't think they're good together - they tend to bring out the bad things in one another. For instance, both are overweight, don't exercise and have considerable money issues (she is highly in debt and he doesn't make a lot and had his phone turned off because he couldn't pay the bill and literally lives paycheck to paycheck). So what do they do all the time? Go out to eat at expensive restaurants. They don't exercise or even do much except eat, watch TV and spend money they don't have. I can tell in the last 4 months that she has already put on noticeable weight. They never invite us to do anything with them (we have invited them several times to hang out with our gang of friends - they usually say no). She and I used to do a lot of things together but now I see her with him, with the whole gang or not at all. He is uncomfortable around new people (her words) and instead of getting out, they stay in all the time or hang out with his ONE friend that he has known since elementary school (he has no other social friends).
Also, last night was an example of something that I don't like him for - I don't think he's very considerate. They were coming over to borrow my grill. SHE picks it up and carries it back to her yard and he stands there looking at her and follows her back. Any b/f of mine that didn't offer to help me would be in trouble! :-) No not really, but I think any guy I have gone out with would have insisted. Sure it weighs 10 pounds, but that's not the point. That's only one example, but this happens all the time.
She also told us that they're already in a rut after dating only 4 months. They go out to eat or stay in and order food and watch TV. They hardly ever do anything exciting or different and their main activity is to watch TV.
I want her to be happy and I want to be happy for her but I just can't. I sometimes wonder if my resentment has to do with the fact that she's completely unavailable to me to hang out with. I figure this IS part of it, but I think I'd have an easier time if he was a good guy. I picture them in 10 years - married, even more overweight than they are now, with health problems like diabetes and heart disease (her family history is really bad for these), tens of thousands of dollars in debt and sitting on the couch watching TV. I don't want that for her or even for him. But what can you do?
Sorry, once I start venting about it, I can't stop.
No - thanks for asking! I think that we all have that curiosity bug! I have to admit to being a "gossip" too but like you, not maliciously - I just like to know.
Well, on your situation - at least you have reasons for being in a rut (you're tired with work and moving!) and also for not having much money AND you're being proactive about getting out of it. They don't have real excuses - they have Wednesday-Saturday that they do pretty much nothing (except go out to eat and spend money) when they could. This week they both took vacation and what are they are doing? Nothing. They took a day trip somewhere on Saturday but they have no other plans. And you two have outside interests but are working on making some common ones. They watch TV and eat. They have gone on a couple trips but that is as about as exciting as it gets.
Sigh, it is really hard sitting here and doing nothing. I just keep hoping that she'll realize that this is not a good thing, but I know if I say anything that she'll just resent it and argue. There is no point in telling someone who they should love. :-(
I'm glad CGUN asked too. This popped into my mind the other day. I know the guy creeped you out and I was wonderig how all that tunred out.
It's funny, but at 8 mos. you pretty much described my current r'ship. Just take out the weight and money issues. LOL But that's who we are. We're home bodies. It's one of the things that attracted us to each other. We both ahve very hectic schedules and look forward to our down time together.
I was tired of meeting men who wanted to go bungee jumping or sky diving or spend 5 days a week at the gym. It's just not who I am.
Um, yeah, he has his boat and we do that. But even when we're at the boat we'll take it out and then we like to sit in the sun and read, or "nap" (he, he).
Do you think that could be the case here? I can see this isn't the type of life style/BF you would choose, but maybe it suits them? Does she seem happy?
I do have to say that her carrying the grill bugged me. However, I've been on my own for so long that I "forget" to ask for help and sometimes I just prefer to do things on my own. Make sense?
Anyway, I'm just glad he isn't some kind of weird stalker or something! LOL
Well, I am not saying that they should go nuts (I'm not a big bungee-jumping-sky-diving-going to the gym person either), but she eats MORE and exercises LESS than before him. She spends MORE money that she doesn't have. Her bad habits have gotten worse. I think the sitting at home watching TV bugs me less than the fact that I have seen her gain 10-20 pounds in the last couple months because I know this relationship is fueling her bad habits - she's even told me it does. It's just for me - I want to become BETTER for my partner - I start working out and eating better and trying more things because of him.
Also what bugs me is how anti-social she has become. We'll ask them to do something and she'll answer "D doesn't want to so I guess we won't" or "Well, we don't know his schedule yet so..." What happened to her doing things on her own without him? I understand being a part of a couple but he does nothing on his own. AND he still hangs out at her house when she isn't there - every week he comes over Wednesday morning and doesn't leave until Saturday night. She works all day and he just hangs out at her place even tho he has an apartment of his own and claims that he doesn't want to live with someone before marriage and supposedly "whined" when she gave him a key, "We're not gonna do the 'exchanging KEYS thing' are we?"
I suppose she seems happy, but this is a friend whose self-esteem is for crap. She hasn't had a date in 6 years and her last "b/f" (if you can call him that) treated her awful and she stayed with him for 10 years even tho he told he he'd never marry her, told another woman he loved her on the phone while he was in bed with my friend, and overall strung her along and treated her like crap. She's always gone for men that were either engaged or in some way unavailable. I think she is so happy that someone is paying attention to her and that she has a relationship that anyone would be OK.
In addition to the grill, I see her taking out the trash, he doesn't take in packages or the mail or do anything around the house even tho he is at her place all day, she drives almost everywhere and pays for almost everything but yet defers to him on decision making. Knowing her as the person I do, this makes me uncomfortable.
And if it were just me getting this vibe, I would chalk it up and say I was just having problems. Everyone dislikes him - my close circle of friends and a large group of neighborhood friends that has met him.
And he has this tendency to just stare at people. Very creepy. So while maybe not a stalker, he's definitely wierd. Sorry, venting again, but words cannot express how much I really dislike him.
Yep. You're right. This guy sounds like a loser! It sounds like she's already lost her identity to him. I mean she can't do anything on her own because she has to clear it with him first or he has to come along. Huh? I don't know about everyone else, but that is a big pet peeve of mine. I mean whatever happened to doing something by yourself or with a friend & not having to clear it with your SO?! I will never allow myself to be in a relationship like that. Which might have a lot to do with the reason I'm still single, but oh, well...
I hear ya. Venting is good! Isn't that what we're here for? ; ) My grandmother always said, "Better to get it out, than keep it in."
It seems like your friend does have some esteem issues for sure. (Gosh, the guy that was taliking to another woman on the phone while she was in the bed is a real S.O.B.!)
<<...but words cannot express how much I really dislike him.>>
Um, I dunno. I think you've done pretty good so far! (JK...He, he, he)
Stay cool Vexer. Hopefully she'll get fed up with his antics and move on.
I'm so sorry you have to see your friend go through this... I know how frustrating it can be! My best friend was in a similar situation and her best friends did not agree with her being with the guy... Something I learned though... as a friend, all we can do is voice our opinion. Then we have to let it go. She knows that we are not happy with him, she knows we think she deserves better. But at the end of the day, she has to live her own life and make her own mistakes.
Same thing applies for you. If she asks, tell. If she says she's going to get married to him, let her have it as bluntly at possible. But at the end of the day, the choice she makes is hers. If you can't deal with it, let her know that you love her but that you don't want to hear about him... Only thing you can do until she wakes up and realizes she's worth more.
Thanks ya'll. It is nice to be able to vent to people not so close to the situation but that might have something similar going on.
The main problem with it Kerry tho is that she and I share a duplex right now. His car is parked in my driveway at this moment. And it is parked there all the time. It is tough to "not hear about it" because it is so close. She is a grown up though and it is up to her to make her decision. She doesn't ask us because I think she already knows how we feel and doesn't want to hear it because then it would mean having to admit it to herself. But, yup, I just gotta stay out of it until the time she wakes up.
Yes he does sound very weird and I can understand you being concerned for your friend. But I know that you already know it is in her hands, from what you have posted about her before. She does sound like she has some self esteem issues going on.
All you can do is be there for her, whatever happens with this strange guy. He must fit something she needs in her life, which may not make sense at all to us, but when his time is done in her life, he'll be out of her life and you'll be there still to help her, I'm sure...that's what friends are for. Hang in there...
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Thanks for asking. I hadn't posted much about him because I feel like everyone will jump on me, but honestly, I dislike him more and more all the time.
I finally outlined it in a few specific but big ways that I don't think they're good together - they tend to bring out the bad things in one another. For instance, both are overweight, don't exercise and have considerable money issues (she is highly in debt and he doesn't make a lot and had his phone turned off because he couldn't pay the bill and literally lives paycheck to paycheck). So what do they do all the time? Go out to eat at expensive restaurants. They don't exercise or even do much except eat, watch TV and spend money they don't have. I can tell in the last 4 months that she has already put on noticeable weight. They never invite us to do anything with them (we have invited them several times to hang out with our gang of friends - they usually say no). She and I used to do a lot of things together but now I see her with him, with the whole gang or not at all. He is uncomfortable around new people (her words) and instead of getting out, they stay in all the time or hang out with his ONE friend that he has known since elementary school (he has no other social friends).
Also, last night was an example of something that I don't like him for - I don't think he's very considerate. They were coming over to borrow my grill. SHE picks it up and carries it back to her yard and he stands there looking at her and follows her back. Any b/f of mine that didn't offer to help me would be in trouble! :-) No not really, but I think any guy I have gone out with would have insisted. Sure it weighs 10 pounds, but that's not the point. That's only one example, but this happens all the time.
She also told us that they're already in a rut after dating only 4 months. They go out to eat or stay in and order food and watch TV. They hardly ever do anything exciting or different and their main activity is to watch TV.
I want her to be happy and I want to be happy for her but I just can't. I sometimes wonder if my resentment has to do with the fact that she's completely unavailable to me to hang out with. I figure this IS part of it, but I think I'd have an easier time if he was a good guy. I picture them in 10 years - married, even more overweight than they are now, with health problems like diabetes and heart disease (her family history is really bad for these), tens of thousands of dollars in debt and sitting on the couch watching TV. I don't want that for her or even for him. But what can you do?
Sorry, once I start venting about it, I can't stop.
That's okay, I'm glad to "get the scoop."
No - thanks for asking! I think that we all have that curiosity bug! I have to admit to being a "gossip" too but like you, not maliciously - I just like to know.
Well, on your situation - at least you have reasons for being in a rut (you're tired with work and moving!) and also for not having much money AND you're being proactive about getting out of it. They don't have real excuses - they have Wednesday-Saturday that they do pretty much nothing (except go out to eat and spend money) when they could. This week they both took vacation and what are they are doing? Nothing. They took a day trip somewhere on Saturday but they have no other plans. And you two have outside interests but are working on making some common ones. They watch TV and eat. They have gone on a couple trips but that is as about as exciting as it gets.
Sigh, it is really hard sitting here and doing nothing. I just keep hoping that she'll realize that this is not a good thing, but I know if I say anything that she'll just resent it and argue. There is no point in telling someone who they should love. :-(
I'm glad CGUN asked too. This popped into my mind the other day. I know the guy creeped you out and I was wonderig how all that tunred out.
It's funny, but at 8 mos. you pretty much described my current r'ship. Just take out the weight and money issues. LOL But that's who we are. We're home bodies. It's one of the things that attracted us to each other. We both ahve very hectic schedules and look forward to our down time together.
I was tired of meeting men who wanted to go bungee jumping or sky diving or spend 5 days a week at the gym. It's just not who I am.
Um, yeah, he has his boat and we do that. But even when we're at the boat we'll take it out and then we like to sit in the sun and read, or "nap" (he, he).
Do you think that could be the case here? I can see this isn't the type of life style/BF you would choose, but maybe it suits them? Does she seem happy?
I do have to say that her carrying the grill bugged me. However, I've been on my own for so long that I "forget" to ask for help and sometimes I just prefer to do things on my own. Make sense?
Anyway, I'm just glad he isn't some kind of weird stalker or something! LOL
Well, I am not saying that they should go nuts (I'm not a big bungee-jumping-sky-diving-going to the gym person either), but she eats MORE and exercises LESS than before him. She spends MORE money that she doesn't have. Her bad habits have gotten worse. I think the sitting at home watching TV bugs me less than the fact that I have seen her gain 10-20 pounds in the last couple months because I know this relationship is fueling her bad habits - she's even told me it does. It's just for me - I want to become BETTER for my partner - I start working out and eating better and trying more things because of him.
Also what bugs me is how anti-social she has become. We'll ask them to do something and she'll answer "D doesn't want to so I guess we won't" or "Well, we don't know his schedule yet so..." What happened to her doing things on her own without him? I understand being a part of a couple but he does nothing on his own. AND he still hangs out at her house when she isn't there - every week he comes over Wednesday morning and doesn't leave until Saturday night. She works all day and he just hangs out at her place even tho he has an apartment of his own and claims that he doesn't want to live with someone before marriage and supposedly "whined" when she gave him a key, "We're not gonna do the 'exchanging KEYS thing' are we?"
I suppose she seems happy, but this is a friend whose self-esteem is for crap. She hasn't had a date in 6 years and her last "b/f" (if you can call him that) treated her awful and she stayed with him for 10 years even tho he told he he'd never marry her, told another woman he loved her on the phone while he was in bed with my friend, and overall strung her along and treated her like crap. She's always gone for men that were either engaged or in some way unavailable. I think she is so happy that someone is paying attention to her and that she has a relationship that anyone would be OK.
In addition to the grill, I see her taking out the trash, he doesn't take in packages or the mail or do anything around the house even tho he is at her place all day, she drives almost everywhere and pays for almost everything but yet defers to him on decision making. Knowing her as the person I do, this makes me uncomfortable.
And if it were just me getting this vibe, I would chalk it up and say I was just having problems. Everyone dislikes him - my close circle of friends and a large group of neighborhood friends that has met him.
And he has this tendency to just stare at people. Very creepy. So while maybe not a stalker, he's definitely wierd. Sorry, venting again, but words cannot express how much I really dislike him.
I hear ya. Venting is good! Isn't that what we're here for? ; ) My grandmother always said, "Better to get it out, than keep it in."
It seems like your friend does have some esteem issues for sure. (Gosh, the guy that was taliking to another woman on the phone while she was in the bed is a real S.O.B.!)
<<...but words cannot express how much I really dislike him.>>
Um, I dunno. I think you've done pretty good so far! (JK...He, he, he)
Stay cool Vexer. Hopefully she'll get fed up with his antics and move on.
Hi Vexer!
I'm so sorry you have to see your friend go through this... I know how frustrating it can be! My best friend was in a similar situation and her best friends did not agree with her being with the guy... Something I learned though... as a friend, all we can do is voice our opinion. Then we have to let it go. She knows that we are not happy with him, she knows we think she deserves better. But at the end of the day, she has to live her own life and make her own mistakes.
Same thing applies for you. If she asks, tell. If she says she's going to get married to him, let her have it as bluntly at possible. But at the end of the day, the choice she makes is hers. If you can't deal with it, let her know that you love her but that you don't want to hear about him... Only thing you can do until she wakes up and realizes she's worth more.
Hope this helps!
Kerry
For great info on OLD, visit http://cl-jhoover21-ivil.tripod.com/
If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting... -- Les Brown
Thanks ya'll. It is nice to be able to vent to people not so close to the situation but that might have something similar going on.
The main problem with it Kerry tho is that she and I share a duplex right now. His car is parked in my driveway at this moment. And it is parked there all the time. It is tough to "not hear about it" because it is so close. She is a grown up though and it is up to her to make her decision. She doesn't ask us because I think she already knows how we feel and doesn't want to hear it because then it would mean having to admit it to herself. But, yup, I just gotta stay out of it until the time she wakes up.
Hi Vexer,
Yes he does sound very weird and I can understand you being concerned for your friend. But I know that you already know it is in her hands, from what you have posted about her before. She does sound like she has some self esteem issues going on.
All you can do is be there for her, whatever happens with this strange guy. He must fit something she needs in her life, which may not make sense at all to us, but when his time is done in her life, he'll be out of her life and you'll be there still to help her, I'm sure...that's what friends are for. Hang in there...
Sunshine
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