Girlfriend Analysis Needed
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| Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:31pm |
I have a girlfriend who does OLD. Now the guys in question:
Guy #1:
She has been chatting with a guy on OLD for several weeks and they have scheduled on two separate occasions to meet; both times NO SHOW, not even a telephone call. Anyway she left him a VM (because she will call the guy to confirm) stating how she was NOT going to call again and how unhappy she was with his behavior - standing her up!
Well today (2 weeks later), she sends me an email that she is going out with the guy on Friday. Apparently to dinner and then to his place afterwards. At first, I was surprised that she was even considering going, and the comment was "well at least it's a date!" Of course, I mentioned he may not show up but felt that she didn't need to go to his house. She is seeking a LTR and this guy has her believing that he too is seeking an LTR. Regardless, I told her that's "cool if you want to go out with him but I would not go to his house because you are sending mixed messages." Her comment was "I'm a grown woman and sex is sex, blah, blah and if I want to go there I know it's just sex but it doesn't mean we will not have a LTR." Basically the way she thinks is that if 2 people meet and both are ready and willing to have an LTR it doesn't matter if sex is done quickly (or if he has stood you up twice already).
Guy #2:
Met in RL, and calls sporadically and they have sex sporadically! Anyway he is suppose to be this multi-millionaire and she is currently unemployed but on several occasions he has offered her a job (help with his business) and basically has NEVER come through. This past weekend she did some paper work for him (mind you he called her at 2:00 am stating he needs her to do work which she obliged), gave him sex, and of course he promised her a job, as of today, NO CALL. Regardless, she shucks it off "that he has so many businesses, that he is busy, and he is on his own schedule and he will call again eventually. If he came to her for an LTR, she would take it -- because he is rich. Mind you she has NEVER seen the so-called businesses, houses, or cars. I mean give me a break!! Also, he still owes some of her friends monies from a previous business venture she convinced people to join. Nope, I'm not one of them!!
WTF?? I just don't get this. She is a very close friend -- you know we met when she was married and now divorced (7 years ago), her single way of thinking really makes me wonder about her. She is over 40; but is very secure within herself (her statement to me!). Besides what's mention above, she has no problem over-extending herself to men (loaning them money, her car, etc.)
Does this behavior sound like this woman is very secure with herself? What is really going on here?

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She may be secure in herself, but it sure sounds like she has poor judgment when it comes to men. I can't believe she's going out with the guy who stood her up TWICE!!!
It sounds like she could use a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" as a gift ;-). I heard they have a new "pocket-sized" version of it out!
Sheri
from what you've written, she screams insecure. Alot of ppl tend to think they are secure (bc they need to defend themselves) but don't realize how insecure they are. When you are secure - you love, respect, honor yourself above everything else. Her actions show she isn't honoring, respecting, nor loving herself. Casual sex is great and is fine. I believe and agree sex too soon doesn't matter - but she wants a LTR. She keeps letting these guys jerk her around and use her. This signfys she doesn't really respect her own wishes - so she will never get a guy who respects her.
lets take these two examples and turn it around to how a secure person would act. Guy #1, she would've let him go eons ago. After the 3rd attempt of meeting up - she would've written him off and wished him well on his OWN way - not in her direction. Guy #2, she would've never let his lies become truths in her life. She would've never slept/done free work for him without having her be respected first.
Some women are clueless - but even clueless women who love themselves (eg. secure) will set boundaries. She can't and won't until she learns to love herself.
I learned teh hard way and am still learning how to respect myself when dating. Its all too easy to listen to the lies and tell yourself they are truths... but once you really become secure with yourself, its SO easy to let these losers GO!
Because your friend thinks otherwise, it is wise to express your opinion, then let her learn. But I don't really think she'll find what shes looking for until she realizes she needs to honor her own wishes. If she does find a LTR , it'll be one where she is very unhappy and the guy will always be pullling her along... it wont be an equal relationship.
Just my take on things.
The first thing that came to my mind was that this woman doesn't think very much of herself! I think that she has self-esteem problems and just lets men walk all over her. It doesn't sound like she respects herself very much and by her saying she, "...is very secure within herself...", it makes me think that she isn't at all and is trying to convince herself that she is.
Well, I know it is hard on you to see her doing this to herself, but there is nothing that you can do about it but be her friend and hope she doesn't get hurt physically by this stranger she plans to have sex with. She is the example of WHAT NOT TO DO in OLD imho!
Sunshine
You are absolutely right...
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Update....
Well he had to cancel their dinner plans for Friday and so they planned to go out tonight to a free movie in the park. I was there myself (alone - smile). She called me from her cell phone and they were in the supermarket getting food to bring to the park. She said he was fairly good looking and basically both were pleased with each other. Anyway, she ended up calling me back stating that they were headed to his house. I asked her did they come to the park -- but she said they changed their mind since the traffic getting there was horrific. Anyway he was planning on taking her for a motorcycle ride and have a picnic at his house.
She seemed happy and although she stated that possibly after tonight she may never see him again or he may not be serious about a LTR, she was going to enjoy herself tonight.
I told her to be safe and call me tomorrow!!!
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Now wouldn't this be something if they end up in an LTR?? What a story to tell -- break all the rules and still end up in an LTR. If so, hope it is a healthy one!! (smile)
Thanks all for the advice!
Hmmm... I don't have much to add to the other posters' comments. But I'm curious what happens. Keep us posted.
Update:
Spoke w/her this morning and she is at home. They arrived at his place around 10:30 pm, ate, drank wine and watch a bit of tv. She told me that he allowed her to watch her programs, which she thought was thoughtful. The man has a fabulous home with boat, truck and motorcycle (didn't ride because it rained); private backyard w/entertainment room. Recently divorced (8 year marriage) 38, manager of manufacturing company, and was always a one-woman man! Regardless, plenty of sex (from the patio to the bedroom) and he was very affectionate. If any problem, she stated he talked a lot during sex -- somthing she could get use too -- and he was ALWAYS ready for it! She was exhausted and didn't sleep too well cause she never does in someone's else house. He sat the alarm for 5:30 am because he had to go to work and of course another session of sex! He stated he would call her later today.
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Overall she enjoyed herself and based upon his schedule -- joint custody of his 7 year old son -- she today is exhausted so not pressed on seeing him anytime soon but hopes too eventually. She feels as if she hit the "jackpot!"
She's home safe and time will tell what progresses further......
Oh I think he'll call her, but it will probably be for another night of sex, which is fine if that's what she wants. He may say it's for dinner, but sex will be in his thoughts for sure.
That would be great if it turns into a LTR, but from my experience and that of my friends, still, most guys don't think of more in terms of developing a relationship of more than sex with her, with a lady who has sex right away with them, at least in the age bracket he is in (mid 30's and up). Younger guys seem to think differently. Yet there are always the exceptions of course.
But we all want something different and if this works for her then great, it's just not what I'm looking for. The other red flag for me is that he is newly divorced, which screams to me of a guy possibly wanting to have fun now that he is finally free and to get as much sex as he can with as many women as he can. I sure hope they used condoms.
It will be interesting to see what happens....
Sunshine
I see so many red flags with that story, I'm not sure where to start. I hope she at least practiced safe.
Maybe this guy is Mr. Wonderful, but as her friend you might want to remind her to keep her eyes open wide and her heart not so open.
How many "one-woman men" do you know that stand up a date a few times only to have the first date at his house at 10:30pm and then have sex all over his house with a complete stranger?
I have a feeling this his routine. He has insecure women come over, shows off his house and his toys, gets them drunk, and then has sex. The food, the wine, letting her watch her shows, telling her he's a "one-woman man"...please, this one is a PLAYER!!!
Your friend's situation could be the exception to the rule, but I will eat a bug if this turns into a LTR.
She sounds desperate, anyone that would still go out on a date with a guy who stood her up twice before is desperate for ANY attention from a man. Sorry just the way I see it.
As far as the rich guy, she probably likes him because she's hoping to snag someone to take care of her. Why is she unemployed? and if she's unemployed where is she getting money to loan people?
I'm employed and I don't even have that. So she's gotta be getting money from somewhere.
I wouldn't worry about it, it's her life, let her live as badly as she chooses too.
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