Just met after SEVEN YEARS.
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:49am |
Hey everyone! I'm new to this board, but not to ivillage and have found that posting my problems here has been helpful since my girlfriends are sick of hearing about them by now.
So, here's the newest crisis...
About seven years ago, I messaged this guy on AOL because he had a screen name that I thought was really cute. And we started talking, flirting, basically getting to know each other very well. He was what I like to call one of my "Harry pre-sex" men, since I could talk to him about sex and love and not feel the pressure of actually having to have sex with him. That's the good thing about the internet. He asked maybe about a year after we started talking if we could meet, and I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea at the time but maybe someday. When my father died, he wanted to come to the funeral (he only lives about forty miles away), but I told him it would not be good for him to meet me when I was at my worst.
So, I finally started to ask him about three months ago if he was willing to get together and he gave me the same thing that I did five years ago, about not wanting to rush into anything. I don't really think that after seven years, rushing is even a possibility. I mean, I did have some self-esteem issues and I know he did too, and I guess we were both just waiting for when we did look our best. Anyway, he finally accepted to a date, although, I really don't know if it was a date, two days ago. He said 'no pressure, just casual dinner'. I was going to drop off my friend at the airport near him, so we agreed to meet for dinner. I was tired and kind of really depressed since I just said goodbye to one of my best friends who moved to another country. He was sick (a cold, or so he said).
And I thought the date went rather well, despite the other things on our mind. It was easy to talk to him, it really didn't matter how he looked (I don't think I could ever be that petty anyway), but our personalities meshed so well, it was just a lot more fun than speaking online. He paid for dinner, which is something I really don't like guys doing, but it is kind of impressive. Looking back now, and hearing what people had to say, it seemed like I was sending the right signals and we just did those things that people who are really interested in each other do (being in sync?) He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, seeing as to how he didn't want to get me sick. So, I went home, thinking it went so incredibly well and couldn't wait to see him again, and he was online and I messaged him and he said that I was better than he ever could've imagined (I know, kind of cheesy, but it made me smile), except that there wasn't really any chemistry and I didn't seem interested, but that it was great to meet, FINALLY. And that the next time he's around my area we should 'hang out'. I have my girls to 'hang out' with, I don't need some guy to tagalong. I had started off being really excited and happy and enjoying myself and then he came and said that I just wasn't interested.
Now, here's the problem... I don't know whether or not to really go for this and say 'hey, give me another chance' or just forget about it and just keep an online friendship for what it is. I made excuses, I suppose, of not wanting to get hurt like I had been many many times before, of being very tired (which I was), of just leaving my best friend, but it just kind of doesn't make any sense to me when a guy that you're interested in doesn't pick up on the subtle ways. Does this mean I did something wrong? Or did I just really screw up any chances with this guy? Should I have met him earlier on when we were both a lot younger and a lot more naive and just broken it off then, thereby saving me more years of worrying about this guy? My friend said that I 'fell in love with his personality', and well, after speaking to someone for that length of time, I don't really think it's really possible to lie or be some sort of criminal, like those other online horrors I read about.
Maybe I'm also asking how I can make someone know that I'm really interested? The only thing I can think that I might have done wrong was just not looking him directly in the eye when he was talking, but I can never do that with any guys! Should I give this another try and maybe put some other moves on and wait until neither one of us is having a bad day? Or should I give up on it and find someone else and get over these insecurities of successful flirting?
Thanks to all who can help me out!
--Katie

katie: this is a case of two people who are slightly passive aggressive. BUT he DID make the initiative to write you back and say what i consider..rather nice things and trying to figure out by your mannerisms how you felt. You probably slightly blew it by bringing your emotions about your best friend moving to the dinner with you. Not so good to do on a first meeting. I am sure emotions and toils of life can be introduced later but he probably felt a lil slighted that you couldn't get outside yourself for that time you met him. Such is life we learn ...i mightve been in that same mindset had i not been taught to be more self aware (i am emotional but sometimes one has to give someone else a break on that especially if someone expects people to have their date-face on..i.e. best foot forward as is the norm).
He sounds very nice. IF YOU ARE INTERSESTED...TELL HIM..because he seems to be. do you know how hard it is for some guys to face rejection yet they put themselves out there with as much bravery as they can muster? I know YOU know you were feeling bummed about your best friend moving away. But i dont think its out of the ordinary for some guy to hope you'd be excited about meeting him SEVEN YEARS LATER. You probably didnt OUTWARDLY show alot of enthusiasm. HE IS NOT A MIND READER girlie! Next time...look someone in the eye when you talk to them. Its actually kind of rude not to. KWIM? He still wrote you back tho...put a check mark in the plus side.
If you are interested...he left you a GIANT gaping hole to either jump in or walk away. If you are interested...tell him. What have you got to lose??? Enough silliness, 7 years of online and only being 40 miles away..and hopefully you both have gotten a better grip on who you both are self esteem wise, weight or whatever it is. Youve met..THAT was the hardest part. Sounds like he'd meet you again. Go for it if that is what YOU want! He sent a big fat flashing green neon sign to you.
I have no idea what you mean by "but it just kind of doesn't make any sense to me when a guy that you're interested in doesn't pick up on the subtle ways. " From the looks of things you want someone else to do all the work and analyzing. Don't always assume the other person is secure in knowing how to read you or knowing what they want. You will never make it being passive aggressive with anyone other than an egotistical steamroller that way. Believe me i am only saying this from my own experience and ignorant niavete of not too distant past. Maybe that is what you really want. But if you like THIS guy...tell him.
JM not so humble O,
Lizzie
Thank you! Thank you, thank you! I just really needed an outside opinion on this situation and I thank you repeatedly for taking the time to write such a long and detailed response. I will take your advice and tell him... it's kind of weird that I had to go through a message board to get a straightforward answer, but if your girlfriends don't tell you the truth, who will?! So, thanks again!
Hope you don't think I'm a weak person for posting such a silly post!
-Katie
Dear Writerchic-
I don't think your post is silly at all!
CL-Truewild1969
For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;
Katie...people who do not seek help or information...are weak! Not you girlie!
Update us!!!!
Lizzie