friends with an ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
friends with an ex
11
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 9:15am

I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. Things are going fine, except for one wrinkle. Maybe I've just been lucky that this has never come up with other guys, but this guy is still friends with his ex-girlfriend. They dated for 7 months and broke up a year ago. I know my insecurities are really coming into play here, but it bugs the hell out of me when he mentions her. And this weekend he showed me a bunch of photos and she was in one of them (it was from his 40th b-day party last year and he had his arm around her) so now I have a face to put with the name (great, especially since she's cute).

I keep telling myself he's not dating her now, he's dating me. And we did have the exclusivity talk a couple weeks ago (I brought it up and he said he assumed we had "implied exclusivity". I said something like I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.)

I mentioned this to another woman friend and as soon as I said "he's still friends with his ex", she made a face. I said, "I know, I know." I've been very careful not to show my jealousy to him - I realize it's not one of my more attractive features. I'm just curious to know what others think, especially those who've been in this situation.
I should also mention that I know my recent experiences of being ghosted and dumped have made me even more neurotic than usual. Part of me is trying to prepare myself for his "we need to talk" speech. He's very attentive and sweet on our dates, but so were other guys who soon disappeared or dumped me. I'm having a real hard time relaxing and just enjoying this. And now I'm rambling, so I'll shut up now :)
What do you guys think? I've been carrying this around in my head for too long; it feels good to "tell" someone :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 9:24am

Hi there,

I'm friends with a number of my exes. It drove my last bf CRAZY and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why. I kept telling him that he should've been relieved by this because even if he and I didn't work out, we'd still have to work together (we met at work), and knowing that I'd be able to do that took some of the pressure off all of that.

I do take time after the relationship ends before being friends. You need that "time" for the shift to occur. Did they do that?

If I get involved with someone, it's because there is something about the PERSON I like. Just because we don't work out as a couple doesn't mean I don't still like that person. That's where friendships come in.

All that being said... I have an old boyfriend coming to visit in a few weeks. He's too broke for a "real" vacation, we're both single right now, and he loves my dogs. Oh! And he'll do stuff around my house for me, but he doesn't know about that yet :D When either of us is in a committed relationship, we don't speak very much, out of respect for the other person's signficant other, but we are still friends. It just took us some time to work out the "proper" boundaries. Now, he and I can even give each other relationship advice from a true BTDT standpoint.

It sounds like your new bf and his exgf still need to work on "proper" boundaries, but you can guide him there, gently :)

Good luck,
giJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:19am
Gij - Thanks for that perspective. I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time with this is I've never stayed friends with an ex. I've tried a couple of times, but it's never lasted very long.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:20am

I think there are two separate issues here. Being friends with his ex has nothing to do with him (or YOU, for that matter!) deciding that the two of you aren't right for each other. It takes a good 4-6 months of dating before you really have a good picture of the other person, so I would definitely be keeping that in mind. Not in a paranoid sort of way, just in a "we'll see, time will tell" sort of way.

I have too many guy friends and am friends with too many exes for an ex to be a situation for me...I know that it is perfectly possible for exes to be strictly platonic friends. I would want to meet her ASAP, however. I always go out of my way to make the new gf feel comfortable about me...so I'd expect her to behave the same way. Btw, I think the fact that he mentions her is a GOOD sign...if there were something to be worried about, he most likely would be hiding or downplaying their friendship.

Also, as you get to know him better, you'll have a better basis on which to evaluate his trustworthiness. If he seems to be a trustworthy person in other parts of his life, then you'll (hopefully) be able to realize that he's probably trustworthy in this friendship, as well.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:29am

I'm not sure I have any advice. But I hear you. I have a simliar situation with my current BF of 8 mos. However, it's with his XW, not XGF.

I know they speak ocassionally on the phone and do see each other socially, but only with their grown daughter and not very often. (At least that's what he tells me! LOL) AND she still cuts his hair! I do have an issue with that...too "touchy feely" for me.

The XW is till quite friendly with his mom, which I don't like either. Actually when his mom comes to visit from out of state, she'll spend a few days with the XW. Which I find totally bizarre. Who actually likes their mother in law in the first place?

When I have expressed surprise with this he says we all still get along very well. Umm, OK, so why was there a divorce?

I don't say a word about any of it as none of it interferres with our r'ship...at least as near as I can tell. Besides, what can I say with out sounding like a controlling shrew?

I tell myself that his "good" relationship with his XW speaks well of his character. And I guess to some degree it does. However, I deal with the "green eyed monster" too.

I also hear you about the insecurity you feel. I can be that way also and for the same reasons. So, the insecuirty has a tendency to screw up my radar. Which is why I don't say much about the XW thing either.

OK, now I'm rambling! LOL

Anyway, I'm just sitting tight for now and trying to shoo the green eyed monster away.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:37pm

You wrote: "When I have expressed surprise with this he says we all still get along very well. Umm, OK, so why was there a divorce?"

Well, in my case, it was because, after 10 years together, we were much more friends than lovers. I decided I didn't want to stay in a marriage without passion. That doesn't mean we didn't like and respect each other; we just fell out of (romantic) love. We stayed good friends for 10 years after our divorce (including throughout his 2nd marriage which ended in his wife's death, and I was friends with her as well) but he hasn't contacted me in the last year or so. I recently heard (from his 2nd wife's sister) that he's remarried and his new wife doesn't want him to keep in touch with anyone from his past. I think that's sad, personally...I miss his friendship. But what are you going to do.

I also have lunch occasionally with my last serious ex's mom, or shop with her (she's a personal shopper at Nordstrom), and it's been 8 years since he and I broke up (we were together 4 years).

Just a perspective from the other side.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:50pm

yeah...the best way to end your very new relationship is to "have a talk" about who he's friends with long before you.

save your battles for the important things in life. I think its ok he talks about...but its how he says it...there should be no comparison etc.

you can only control how you feel, you cannot control others (or shouldnt). observe etc...if any of it becomes abusive or disrespectful to YOU then YOU can decide to be in this. There are great suggestions here on how to look at the positive of this. (he must be an ok guy if she still likes him and her too if he doesnt talk badly about her). If they end up together...(worse case scenario) what are you really going to do? Do you think the "talk" would help any? It won't.

You are both learning about each other...don't get into this insecurity/control thing just yet. This could be a great learning experience for you. I too dont understand staying friends with Ex's but then any relationships ive had ended yucky with me being hurt or me not caring enough about them to want to be friends with them lol Ive grown up a lil to know some people have long relationships (including exwives and kids) or different ones that morph into just friendships. I am learning not to be so black and white. Especially if an ex spouse...its so nice when they get along.
lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:09pm

Hi Sheri,

Thanks for your view. I do see where it is possible to be friends, which is part of the reason why I really don't say much to my BF regarding his XW. Also, I wouldn't demand that he sever all relations with her either. I just don't think that would be appropriate.

However, most of the divorced people I know do not have that kind of r'ship with an ex. At best, they tolerate each other and that's purley for the sake of the kids.

The scenario you presented is pretty much how my BF described the end of his marriage.

I'm really just "learning" all of this as I go along. It's almost like being a teenager all over again and being so naive! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:12pm

Believe me, I have no intention of doing that! In fact, I've been cool as a cucumber about this issue around him, mainly because I realize it's my problem and my baggage.

Thanks everyone for your input. It's why I posted here -- I knew you guys would help me put this into perspective and see more clearly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:46pm

Hi ... I have a similar perspective to Sheri's. My XH and I are pretty good friends, and I am the envy of all my other divorced friends -- in fact, I say he was a lousy husband, but he's a great ex-husband. We worked really hard at not being hostile or bitter, and I had good reason to be. Not sure we would have if it weren't for our daughter, but it's all good. (His mother? that's a whole other story....)

It is difficult to get over the jealousy/insecurity thing. But consider this. It's a real mark of character for a person to remain friendly with somebody they have likely hurt or been hurt by at some point. It shows the ability to rise above a situation and make the best of it, and to appreciate qualities in that other person that have nothing to do with sex. It is WAY too easy to fall into the hostility/blame trap when a marriage or relationship ends. It is almost never a one-sided deal -- even when there's cheating, there is usually some breakdown of communication before hand. (I say USUALLY, not always.)

Anyway, now *I* am rambling. Try to see this as something good about him, if you can...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 10:45am

I think as long as he's honest and up front with you about her then it'll be okay.

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