Scared to Leap - need advice
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| Wed, 07-27-2005 - 3:51pm |
This is a little long - so bear with me....
I have wrote on the message board before about my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I have a three year old daughter together. Have been seperated for 2+ years putting us 8 hours apart. We are finalizing our divorce now that we have "somewhat" agreed on child visitation. My ex is arab and from an islamic country and of course I had / have all the fears of him taking our daughter there and not bringing her back. But anyway - we are amicable. In the last 2 years of us being seperated - we tried on several occassions to be together to no evail. He is very abusive and the reason I left him to begin with was when he beat the hell out of me in front of our then 11 month daughter after he thought I had an inappropriate conversation with his co-worker - though he does not know what the conversation was - he accussed me of being inappropriate and beat me. The truth is - the guy asked me if I wanted a pastry - I declined - nothing more - nothing less.
Anyway - I have stayed home for a good year, crying, yelling, screaming, begging, etc at the break up of my marriage and the innocence lost in our daughter. Finally started going out with girls - happy being single, never dating, chatting with some guys - nothing big, no relationship though or intimicies (okay one fling for the Masters Weekend) but that is it - pinky promise :0)
Okay so as a dare I joined a European match site beginning of summer. My first email is from this 35 year old scorpio (like me) frenchman in May. He writes " I am the one for you. You don't need to look any further, I think we could have good conversation. I love everything you said and want you to know I am here- it is me you are looking for". Real sweet.
So we chat for about a month and a half for about 3-6 hours a day. At work, home, weekends, msn, phone calls, etc. He surprises me and comes to see me in America from France. He stays 10 days and is such a sweetheart. I keep him from my daughter until the last 2 days in fear. I never let her meet anyone I talked to. But she takes to him like fish to water. Well to make a long story short - he has a 7 year old son, never married, use to be a policaman & military. He is very sweet everyday, very gentle, thoughtful, kind, loves me (he says) and is ready to have a "blended" family life. He turns 36 in November. He is one of those guys that is so nice - you think it must be a show - he will fail sooner or later. But none. He is Wonderful.
Okay so you think - what is the problem......
For starters - he is wanting to get serious, and wants me to move with him next spring. My daughters father is a p/t father and he is a f/t dad, safer for me from my ex and his tyrannt temper-tantrums he occassionally has and follows with cursing, etc. However, I would have to sell my suv, give up my cell, my parents, sisters, friends, my independence (and become dependent on him for a while), my job (though my company is in France - I don't speak the language). He wants to be a father to my daughter when her father is not around, wants to blend our children and for them to be brother and sister, wants me to move there and go to french school to learn the language. He says my little girl will lose yes, my mum, dad & sister, but will gain a father, a brother and his family. We will meet new friends, and she will learn more languages (she already is getting: english, spanish, arabic & little french). Different culture, different environment, slower life, smaller town, and I would gain someone who loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy - I am just so scared to open my heart again and to move.
Any advice - please give - M.

My two pesos:
Mr. Frenchman is moving way too fast! If you didn't have a child and only had yourself to worry about, that would be one thing. But you have a young daughter who's depending on you to make the right choice here for her safety and welfare.
I think you should give it more time and have an LDR until you feel more certain about him. The whole idea of you being the one to give up your SUV, job??, family and friends to be with him is just too risky IMHO. What if it doesn't work out the way you planned? What would your Plan B be? Do you have enough money socked away to get you and your daughter back home should things suddenly go awry? Suppose his family isn't accepting of you or your daughter? Then what? God forbid, but what if he became abusive towards you like your exH?
If you are determined to be with him, then at the very least, let him move here to be with you.
Good luck!
Heymum
I won't date cops because there is too much going against them - there is an 80% divorce rate in their profession and many are KNOWN to abuse their children and wives. I'm not saying all do this, but I would be aware of it as many are on power trips because of having that power over people through the law and can seem very pleasant on the surface, but hide their abusive sides well. Then there is also mental and emotional abuse.
Honestly, form what you have written, it sousn't seem like you've known him long enough in real life to really know his TRUE personality. He wants you to give up an awful lot to be with him and has moved quite fast. Just think it over good and be careful with whatever you decide - you could be going right back into the same type of situation that you recently got out of. Plus you have your daughter to think about also and what is good for her. I wish you much luck!
Sunshine
Hi, buterfly, welcome to the board.
I would be interested in knowing what prompted you to join an international "dating" site in the first place? Has moving away from your country always been an option?
As a parent, and one who has successfully raised a wonderful daughter with an ex for the past 15 years, I have to put in my two cents for your little one. Do not do this! Your daughter deserves the chance to have a relationship with both of her parents. French Guy is not the father and has no right to supplant the one who is.
I was once involved with someone from another province; I had to fly to his city in order to see him. After a year it was time to get serious about our intentions. He wanted me to move there with my daughter (his moving here was never discussed as he had two boys of his own). That was when I had to put aside my romantic perspective and give it some serious thought. It didn't take me long to realize the right thing to do. It was NOT okay to uproot my daughter, take her away from her father, take her away from her extended family, away from her school/friends, leave a job I loved, give up an apartment I had lived in for some time, leave my own family (including an elderly father) in order to, let's face it, see my boyfriend full time.
I wish you good luck with your situation.
amjay
I completely agree with the poster that said
Thank you for all the responses:
I have my exhusband who is wanting me to move back to Orlando so he can be closer to our daughter - so he is pressuring me about "doing right by the child to have her father everyday". This is not a good choice when the reason we left was b/c of his abusive, controlling and unpredictable tantrums. I feel like I have taken 5 steps forward and I would be taking 7 steps back if I went back there.
As for my boyfriend - the frenchman - tonight I am going to tell him that I don't feel it is best to even discuss marriage when we have been together such a short time. He is VERY pushy about us getting married by the end of the year. I don't understand the rush. Further - he has a son in France that is 7 years old - my daughter is 3 and I don't want to pull her from her comfort zone. Not to be with her dad or to move to France.
I have decided that I am going to step back away from all of it - and just breath. The truth is though my ex and I have been seperated for 2+ years - we are signing our divorce papers in the next week or so. It is a mess - yes, I know. I think just stepping back from all the drama and not making any vast decisions will help to show me what I need to do. Right now staying put only seems logical.
I don't want to be pressured by anyone to make any decisions right now. I just want to be.
M.
Bravo!!! I feel sympathy for you for all the pressure being put on you by these two guys. But you are fighting back by making decisions that are best for yourself and your little one. You will never regret it, trust me.
On the subject of relationships, I believe it should NOT be hard to be with someone, if that person is the right one. You will be amazed how easy it is when you meet the right guy!
As for Dad, if he needs to live near his daughter then he can get off his a$$ and move closer. Further, he needs to show some respect for her mother.
amjay