Meeting Parents

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Meeting Parents
10
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:05pm
In your experiences, at which point have your BFs invited you to meet parents or friends? How early do you think this should happen? I know you're all going to tell me it depends, right? But I'm just trying to get a sense of what your take is on this.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:15pm

I think friends and parents are two completely different animals, as far as when you meet. Most men won't introduce you to their parents until you're pretty far down the serious road (although this is not universally true--my last LTR guy introduced me to his whole family right away, but mostly because he wanted a date for his sister's graduation party--it didn't mean anything to him). But if a guy likes you, he generally wants to "show you off" to his friends...so that will usually happen after you've been dating for a relatively short time. But it really does depend...on his relationship with his friends, his schedule, etc.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:15pm

My ex boyfriend (we went out about 6 months) – the first month we dated he had invited me to his Christmas dinner with his family but I already had plans and I also felt it was too soon for that. I met quite a few of his friends within 6 weeks for sure. The first time I met his mom, step dad, sister, niece and nephew was at his nephews bday party at around 4 months although I was going to his nieces bday party at the 3 month mark only I had a really severe cold and couldn’t go. You have to go case by case basis. I know some guys or gals who could care less if you meet them right away as it’s not big deal and others that are very sensitive to whom they bring home to meet.

Cheers,
SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:21pm

Yes definitely everyone is different. I personally don't take any boyfriends home to meet my parents unless we are exclusive, serious and heading towards marriage. Hence why they have only met my exhusband and met another boyfriend of mine but only because I had to make an appearance at a party and he and I were going away for the weekend, it would have never happened if we weren't.

I've had men introduce me right away, some after a few months and some never because we broke up before it happened.

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:34pm

Yes, Sheri. Again, you cover all the important bases. The subject line should have been friends and family. Thinking back on my latests relationships: the last guy didn't have friends so that wasn't an issue! He did introduce me to his mom after a month and we were exclusive by then and talking marriage. (Madly waving red flags I know!) The guy before that didn't have any friends either so it wasn't an issue. And I only got to meet his parents when his father was on his deathbed. (Are you sensing a pattern here?)

The guy before that only had one friend and I met him within two or three months I think ... and parents at about six months. The guy before that I never met either friends or parents, and we didn't last long.

As you might have guessed, my relationship has now progressed to 7 1/2 weeks and I haven't met any friends and no mention of meeting any. He has tons of them and talks about them all the time. I even made a list so I can keep track of them. I think it's got 16 names on it. But he hasn't mentioned wanting to introduce me to any of them, hasn't said anything like "Oh you'll really like this or that person" or anything. This gives me kind of a creepy feeling, like he's not really into me ... I guess I should discuss it with him if it really bothers me, right?

(Oh, I did meet one friend last week. It was impromptu and lasted an hour. I actually didn't particularly like the guy and had an uncomfortable time with them. Hmmmm, maybe I should listen to my intuition ... )

Is this guy just taking things slowly or is he not into me or should I just relax already?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:48pm

Remind me, did you ever have a "what type of relationship are you looking for" talk with this guy? I'm thinking you didn't but can't remember your exact post (you tried but chickened out maybe? Sorry for not remembering).

I think you're looking in the wrong place for your answers, is my point. Meaning, you're trying to read into things he is doing or not doing, as opposed to just ASKING him.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:52pm
I did have the talk with him, finally, on Monday night. I was nervous though and I don't remember half of what he said. I asked what his intentions were. His initial answers were rather vague. Bad sign, IMHO. So I pressed him a bit and he said he was interested in exploring a relationship with me. But he didn't say what kind of relationship. In fact, he said he didn't know what it was or what to call it. I should have pursued that then but I didn't. This means a second talk ... oh heck. It's getting to the point where I'm wondering if it's even worth it. He's smart, funny, handsome and interesting but I'm starting to get the feeling he's just too difficult for me. I've had my fill of difficult guys. I think I'm ready for someone who's nuts about me and treats me well. This guy ain't it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 6:07pm

Ah, see that's why I recommend asking exactly the question I suggested: "what type of relationship are you looking for?". What his intentions are is WAY too vague, and it's too early, IMO, to be asking that with respect to YOU (as we've discussed before). I know you were nervous, though, so it may not have come out as you intended!

While his vague response might not be a good sign, I can see why he might have felt confused about what exactly you were asking at this early stage.

So, IF you think he's worth it, I would revisit the issue, saying something like, "I'm sorry, when we talked on Monday, I wasn't clear on what I was trying to get at. I know it's early on, so it's too soon for you to say what you want with ME, but I would like to know what type of relationship you're looking for, in general." Then if he says something that is on the same page with what you are looking for, you could follow it up with something like, "and if things continue to go well, could you see yourself having that type of relationship with me down the road?"

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 6:41pm
Thanks, Sheri. When are you going to start charging me?
Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 6:46pm
Actually, having read your suggestion carefully a few more times I have to admit that it just strikes the fear of God in me for some reason. It just scares me. I don't know why. It could be that he's just not right for me, otherwise why would I be feeling so panicked about this? Or I could be feeling this way because I'm not getting "really into you" vibes from him. I get "sort of into you" vibes, and I'm not sure that's enough for me. I think I need more, even at this early stage. I'm not sure he has what I need, and I'm afraid that the longer I stick around the find out the more disappointed I'll be and the longer it will take to recover.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 7:01pm

I wondered about that...my experience has been that if I'm really AFRAID to ask the question, it's because I already know in my heart that the answer isn't going to be what I want it to be.

That's not to say that the words to hard conversations just trip off my tongue ;-), but that's one of the ways I know that the guy probably isn't right for me, if I'm terrified to have the hard conversations, as opposed to just a little nervous.

However, I think in your shoes I *would* ask (rather than just walking away) because otherwise I'd always wonder if I was wrong. And doing it sooner rather than later will prevent you from sticking around if the two of you aren't on the same page.

Keep us posted!

Sheri