Friend is Very Hurt Over Her Experience
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| Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:40pm |
Another bad experience to report, only this time it isn't mine.
A friend of mine has been seeing a guy she met online in January. Well, as it turns out, she found out that he's been on other dating sites, active, and looking for everything from Relationships to Intimate Encounters.
They 'broke up' in June, but she discovered he's been using them all the while they were together, and even up until last weekend, he was telling her that he had hoped for something between them to happen once he got his 'crap' together financially. He got upset with her when she began meeting other people, asking her how she could 'do this' to him (meeting others and beginning to see someone else) - even going so far as to ream her out for it, yet there he was, on various sites on the 'net doing just that, albeit deceitfully.
Is this another case of him wanting his cake and trying to eat it too?
She's absolutely heart broken, believing that he really did care. Instead, it appears as though he's playing a line with her (and likely other women). It's hard for her to just block/delete the guy, she says, because he's become such a part of her life. He doesn't know she knows about these other profiles elsewhere. All those whisperings of affection and 'please be patient with me' that he's said to her have just hit her in the face. I've been on the phone with her all night and I feel that in this instance, my harsh actions of what "I" would do (i.e., forget him, lose his IM, etc) just aren't resonating with her heart.
Does she confront him, ignore him? How do I help her out? I know this guy, I feel terrible since I 'sort of' set them up way back when.
What is the best way to deal with online creeps like this?


She needs to just STOP seeing the guy, STOP taking his calls, STOP all contact...but if she's not able to listen to reason, she's not. All you can do is give your advice and perhaps suggest that she see a counselor to help her through this.
It won't do any good to confront him, he'll either lie, make up excuses, and/or get angry at her and somehow try to make it all her fault (can you tell I've been through this?).
Sheri
I had an almost 2 year relationship with a guy I met online. We did all the "right" things as far as OLD goes.....emailed for a short time then met after about a week. Our first date we spent 5 hours together at a small restaraunt talking and really felt an amazing chemistry. We went out the next Sat and spent an amazing 12 hours together. Didn't have sex till about 2 months into the relationship and had the exclusivity talk about the same time. We talked about spending the rest of our lives together. I spent every weekend at his house. He wined me, dined me, sent flowers for no reason. Lavished me with gifts on Christmas, birthday, etc. I got along wonderfully with his kids, they loved me. My kids loved him. (I am 47...he is 50...all our kids are teens+) It was something that I had never felt or had in all my life. I was so happy that I finally found "the one".
Then I started having these little nagging thoughts/feelings and started questiong him. I snooped and prodded and questioned and finally discovered that the entire 21 months he had been cheating on me. I got on his email (something I am not proud of doing but I had to find out) and discovered another email address he had and found that he belonged to about 15-20 personal sites...most of which were looking for sex. I read emails to/from other women where he said, almost verbatim, things he had said to me over the past 20 months. Lies he told them. Emails to a friend of his that I had met numerous times telling him about things he did and places he went with "Judy". This killed me that he was actually spending time with someone else until I figured out that the dates/times he was giving were actually dates and times he was with me. About 75% of these emails were written when I was asleep in his bed !!!! The man is a pathological lier.
I emailed 4 of the women he had emails to/from and they all said that they had never met him...just talked. Everytime they would try to set up a meet he would back out at the last minute. 2 of them said they became suspicious when he did this s few times and had written him off.
Well, needless to say, I ended it with him. He cried, denied it, begged me. Until I told him that I had gotten into his email and had proof. Then he let go a long string of expletives and slammed the phone down. I spent 3 days crying and getting angry with myself for not seeing this then one day I smacked myself and told myself that none of it was my fault...he is a very smooth operator. Looking back there are things that should have set off alarms and maybe did somewhat but I chose to ignore. And I think the last 3-6 months we were together I knew something was going on and that is when I started becoming more observant, snooping, and decided to find out everything....and I did. That was definately a learning experience. One that I was so afraid would make me unable to trust or love again. But I am not permanently affected by it....more cautious maybe.
Polly
WOW. I can't believe this is so prevalent! So many others having the same experience.
Anyhow, thank you for your tips. My instinct IS to put him down but I won't. I talked to her this morning before heading off to work and I did tell her that nobody is 100% bad or 100% good, and that the trick is to discover whether or not the good outweighs the bad.
She asked me why people do this. Why play games - and I had no answer. Aside from the usual "he/she is a player" response, why DO people try to claim ownership on someone else yet they aren't ready themselves to settle down? I have no answer to this myself because I don't operate that way and that way of thought is completely foreign to me.
I will advise her, however, to block/delete him from all her accounts. She told me that it was unlikely that he will phone her because he's too egotistical to let her know by phone that her blocking him has affected him.
I know this guy. He's the type that hides behind the computer screen, dreams of his past and does nothing for his future, but he IS a great guy to talk to. I can definitely see why she fell for him.
I'll use your advice. Thanks a bunch.
How did she find out about the other ads? If she felt a need to check then his being posted on other websites is truly not the issue. It could be something as simple that he has not removed his profile. Was she spending her time checking these other websites for the past 6 months (during the course of their relationship)? Should have broken up in February.
Next, has his behavior changed towards her in the relationship (being more distant) or has he been consistent (still calling and spending time with her)?? Were they really in a "committed" relationship -- meaning had they had the talk? If so, then why not mention the removal of other ads at that time? (Again I'm assuming she knew about the other ads).
It seems there were "evident" signs in this relationship that this man was still on the prowl, but your friend disregarded them, lacked communication, and/or probably was hoping he would change. Regardless, just the fact that he "reamed" her out, makes me think this relationship is based on double-standards. Yes he wants his cake and eats it too.
Eventually she will realize that he was not worthy of her time and she will meet someone better suited for her. Time heals all wounds, and hopefully in future situations she will be more aware of RED FLAGS!!!
It's good she is back out there dating other people. Ignore and block him, no further contact is needed.
**How did she find out about the other ads? If she felt a need to check then his being posted on other websites is truly not the issue. **
She checked. She had a sneaking suspicion and she logged in as a guest on a few. She found his ads for everything from Relationships to Intimate encounters - WITH COUPLES. She only just recently found out and never checked before. I do believe that she did notice a change in his behavior toward her and thus her gut instinct to check up to see if he was playing her around.
I believe that his being posted on other websites is only an issue because he, like you said, subscribed to double-standards in their relationship. They were not exclusive when she found out, no, but she found out that his profile was last updated during a time when they were together and sexually intimate - meaning he was looking while they were together. He is on there daily, apparently.
Additionally, what I *personally* find troubling about this individual is that he expressed his hurt and dismay when she listened to him when he expressed that he was not in a position to have a serious relationship, she met someone within a few weeks and hit it off with them (and has been seeing them casually ever since). He told her, verbatim, that "I secretly hoped that you would wait for me to straighten my life out.". How convenient that he wanted her to wait yet he was out trolling different sites. Whether or not he actually 'met' anyone is a moot point IMO. He played with this woman's mind & emotions all the while he had intentions of meeting others as well.
I do agree that she needs to cut bait poste haste. Technically they were/are both single and he has the right to be on as many dating sites as he wishes. The pain in her comes from what I just described above. Had he been upfront with her instead of pretending to be so hurt over her moving on and asking her, in a round about way, to put her life on hold, she'd have to deal with it. However, it appears to me that he's been playing with her and that he's extremely self-centered.
I'd normally tell her to confront him in a goodbye email but he will only hide behind the fact that he is 'single' and can do what he wants. He can, but he has balked at her doing the same - and that's where her hurt comes in. He 'literally' wanted her to sit, dateless, and wait for him. <--- How ridiculous.
I'm meeting her for lunch, and I'll be taking all of your points of view with me to help her. Thanks again to all of you.
She needs to stop all sorts of communication with the Loser. It's hard to do but that's where friends and family should step in and help her. Get busy, go out, talk things over for the 100's time.
CL-Truewild1969
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