A "new" twist on the profile issue
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| Mon, 08-01-2005 - 4:40pm |
Hi everyone, I've been reading posts for about a month now & I have to say that a lot of great advice is dished out around here! I've been using online dating since around 2000 (off and on) and can relate to almost everything posted (not sure if that's good or bad!). Anyway, I joined today b/c I'm dying to post & talk about some of this... and have a burning question of my own!
I read a post recently about keeping profiles up after getting somewhat serious & that seems a major downside to OLD (the disparity - 1 keeps up, 1 takes down or someone gets caught).
New twist: I saw an ex-boyfriend (we met through OLD & he is now married) was active on an old personal of his. We talk every once in a while as friends... I really don't think he's looking to cheat by meeting someone (I think what he's doing online is cheating though, don't get me started!), but that he's addicted to the attention/excitement of it all.
How many of you still browse profiles when dating or serious b/c it's addictive (as in entertainment or b/c you like to get winks/compliments) or have known someone who did? Or how common do you think that is?

I think for newbies they may tend to do that as it's new AKA kid in a candy store. For me I can't stand it anymore and love it when I'm exclusive to get off the friggen train, ha!
That's the downside of OLD - approaching the subject of hiding your ad's and trusting them enough to not go back on! THE BBD (bigger better deal) there is always someone better......you have to recognize a special connection when you find it and not let it go!
SP
Good point and yes I use it to browse because it is entertainment and a good ego boost.
Regardless, nothing takes the place of a LTR. There are benefits in both worlds (single vs. LTR) but strongly prefer LTR. In the interim, yes, I jump online at times to get my ego stroked or out perusing for a date. My mindset is mainly "entertainment" and if something becomes real, then that's a bonus!!
Happy Dating!!
I would browse if I could do it without being logged into a site (most of them you need to be logged in to read any more than the first sentence), simply because some of the ads are so bad they're funny.
Ok...so let's say I've met a guy online, we hit it off, lots of physical chemistry. He's seems sincere, seems interested in making me happy and pleased when he does things for me. He definitely pursued the relationship, calls, emails etc. After about 3-4 weeks, as things got more physical, I sort of put the breaks on the physical stuff and said "i only do that with one person", blah, blah blah.
He tehn said he took his profile down, which he did, and reminded me that on our second date he told me he was very comfortable with me, hope things would work out. I said I would take my profile down, which I did. Well, we went a little farther physically. When I got back in town a week later, his profile was back up!
I saw him once and talked on the phone 1 or 2 x that week,(last week) but didn't say anything. Finally last weekend, we went out, had a fun time, everyhting seemed good...I brought up the profile thing and he DENIED it! He said he took his profile down when his subscription ran out. I called him on that I saw his profile when it said he was Online Now....which he contiued to say he hasn't been on there. I emphasized that I understood the habit it can be online, the thrill, and it was fine if we wanted our profiles up etc. He continued to deny being back online, asked me if I wanted mine up...we talked about hoping things would work out, and still getting to know each other, joked about not having time to date others, and HE said he likes to focus all his energy on one person at a time. Honest to God, he sounded very sincere...nonverbal cues and all.
That night we did go all the way. Next morning, when he was leaving, I asked just to be on the same page...what we had decided about seeing other people...he seemed typically guy "why are we talking about this"...but then said "just the two of us".
Well...5 days later..his profile is still up. I have not logged on in a couple of days, so it doesn't look like I've been online. He's called once this week. I emailed hello today, but haven't heard back yet.
Sorry for the book here....but it's driving me crazy!!!! I dont' know if he's just not that into me anymore....got what he wanted.....has gotten lazy....scared....is a cheater and liar at heart....or what????
SO what do you think about a guy who keeps his profile up...even after getting "caught"... if someone asked me, I'd tell them your being played...it's just that he truly seemed sincere and I'm usually pretty good about judging that....
btw - if I don't hear from him by the end of the weekend, I plan to put my profile back up.
THANKS for any advice!!!!!
I don't understand...it sounds like you fell for a variation of that old line, "who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes"! You *saw* the profile...so why did you sleep with him anyway, when you knew he was lying?
He may well call you and want to see you again...but he'll continue to lie and have his cake and eat it too...is that the type of partner you want?
Sheri
Thanks, Your response is exactly what I would say if someone asked me for advice.
I knew I saw his profile up, despite his denial. But everything up to that point had been sincere, I was on the lookout for any BS, his facts were always consistent, and he was never vague re: where he was, what he was doing. Plus my dogs loved him and took to him faster than anyone else, even people they know better, so I figured their instincts were reliable w/ no emotional baggage!! :)
When he denied his profile being back up, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he searched, and didn't realize his profile was still up. One night when I was frustrated that his profile was up, I signed back up for the free 3 days to see who'se viewed my profile (I had 40+ hits in a week w/ my profile hidden, how does that happen???) When I signed off that night, I didn't realize that my profile was still vieweable, I thought I had hid it....so same thing could of happened to him.
And seeing his Online Now's, he could of been checking on my activity, and what was I to say about that, nothing, cause I did the same thing.
So anyway, although I knew I wasn't nuts! I thought there could be an explanation, he may truly thought his profile was down and was online to check on my activity. He wasn't defensive or anything...the couple times I said I could understand the thrill, habit, curiousity, etc of being online, and it is fine if we wnat our profiles up, he contiued to say "but my profile isn't up, I haven't been on there".
He did point out that initially we said we'd take our profiles down, but didn't say anything about being exclusive, which is true. Ultimately though, we agreed "just the two of us" to see how things work out. And I added that if either of us gets freaked out, to just be open and talk about it.
However, his profile is still up. And though I'm getting sick of the whole thing, and not checking as often, he does still go online "activity within 24 hours", but doesn't seem to be as often. My profile is still hidden and I haven't logged on in the past 4 days to see how many "views" I have, so my activity level will be low.
Ultimately though, his profile is up, AND he isn't calling as much...which shows me where we stand. I've gone though the "maybe he's testing me", unsure, etc... but ultimately I think that's a load of crap.
I slept with him becasue he has ignited a passion in me that I haven't felt in years...even with my last 2 LTR. And he is the first person I've been sexual with in a long, long, long time. The worst part of it is, it truly felt right and natural (I mean the sex, I realize we were still getting to know the emotional/personality side). There wasn't any oh,I shouldn't be doing this. And because I was able to rationalize away the profile thing, I thought at that point we were exclusive.
During this whole thing, I had been talking with one of my best friends, who is married, and has a level head, and she was on the same page as me with the whole sincerity thing.
I know 4 days is not a long time to go without hearing from someone, but it is the longest we have gone without talking, even when I was a way for a week. I plan to put my profile back up over the weekend. The whole thing is too bad... his profile was one of the few I was really drawn to; and other than this current profile up issue, he seems very straightforward, including his profile is straighhtforward, no BS, and checks out w/ who is; he had some very admirable qualities; our lifestyles seem to mesh; and I think we could of had a chance as we continued to get to know each other. But if he's a liar, he's a liar.
Anyway, thanks for listening, I know this is an incredibly long post. And other feedback is always appreciated. I guess I wondered how common it is for people to keep checking in on match, other dating sites, even after they met someone??? I know it's hard for me not to at least check who'se viewed me, and I do miss the emails, winks etc..
This has been a learning expereince, and I guess he's one of those people who come in and out of your life quickly for a reason.
Thanks!!!
Edited 4/28/2006 8:40 am ET by zjaney
Edited 4/28/2006 8:44 am ET by zjaney
Hey, if you felt it was right in the moment and you enjoyed yourself, just take it at that and let it go (of course assuming he doesn't call you).
I do understand your confusion...he's probably a very good liar. But if he were in the least sincere, he would have taken the profile down the next day, if not that night. Wouldn't a guy who was sincere say "gosh, I suppose it's possible I somehow didn't take it down correctly...can I use your computer to check and remedy that?" Instead he stonewalled you.
But it's amazing what we'll rationalize when our hormones are involved (and I'm not judging in the least, I've *totally* been there, done that! I hope I've learned my lesson now but I gave the benefit of the doubt twice...not going to do *that* again!).
As for keeping profiles up when you've agreed to take them down and/or be exclusive...it's quite common, because there are a LOT of dishonest people who lack integrity out there. But someone who's honest and sincere wouldn't think of it...either they would do what they said they were going to, or they would be upfront and say, "I'm not ready to do that yet".
Sheri