Loser

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Loser
16
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 11:03pm

Not sure if anyone read my previous post about the guy I was dating not calling me except to arrange a date. Well, this guy's behavior really confuses the h*ll out of me so if anyone can shed some light, I'd be thankful. We had 3 great dates and then last Monday (this past Monday) he asked me to hang out on that Wednesday because he had plans on Saturday and I had plans on Friday. BTW, he asked me via email, totally all him - every date initiated by him. So I was looking forward to our date and was really starting to like him and it seemed he liked me alot. When I met him that night, he seemed different, friendly but off, usually holds my hand and this time didn't. We went out and had a nice date but something was definitely off. But then he asked me to come back to his place to watch TV and have a drink. Since we had slept together on the last two dates (I know, I know) this wasn't unusual. At his place he acted a bit more normal but still off. So when he started to put the moves on me, I told him that I felt uncomfortable having a s*x outside of a relationship and I would like to start to get to know him better, etc. He said he understood but that it had only been 4 dates and a month. Then he kept up the moves until I gave in. (pathetic I know). Anyway, so I didn't hear from him after that but I wanted to just see him and I asked him to have coffee today (via email) and he said sure, to call him this morning. So I did and he never called back.

Ok. So he obviously did not want to develop a relationship with me and was happy to date me and just get la*d. That's bad enough since he led me on and said all the stuff we would be doing in the spring. But to make a date with me after he had already decided to bail? It's adding insult to injury. I never did anything wrong to this guy. He said how great I was and how happy he was he met me. Why be cruel and say for me to call him and then blow me off and make me sit around all morning and wait? Why twist the knife? I don't get it. How do some people live with themselves? The thing I can't get is everything seemed great Saturday morning. What happened between then and Wednesday night? I know all he did was work. Why did he even ask to see me again so soon?

Thinking back, I see the critical mistakes I made. I responded to his liking me by showing I liked him back and I slept with him. I am now so jaded and so burned. Every guy I have been burned by is just so into me in the beginning and is "just so happy they have met me" and they seem very sincere. Then as soon as I led my guard down and like them too (or love them) it all changes. At least this guy ghosted. Usually the guy sticks around to make my life miserable till I have to break it off.

Has anyone experienced anything like I have with this guy? I feel like writing him an email saying what a collasal s-hole he is but I know its better to keep my dignity.

Ivy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 8:26am
I think instead of beating him or yourself up maybe you could just learn from this lesson and put it past you. Sounds like to me that he got exactly what he wanted. And you didn't. So from now on you know that sleeping with a guy early on doesn't get you what you want. That believing what they say doesn't get you what you want. And making him the bad guy in this won't get you where you need to be which is realizing your part in it and being smarter next time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 1:29pm

I think we blurr the lines when we have sex so quickly with someone. If you have found someone that you like and you sleep with them quickly its impossible to know if they want to get to know you or just have sex. I am guilty of the same thing because I think that sex indicates that I like them. I have changed that and now when I meet someone sex isn't at the top of the list. They will show their true colors if you say no and they are just looking for sex.

I don't think he's an a**hole. I think you both set the tone very quickly and he is just doing what he did before. Why is now wrong versus the first night? You want it to be different and he just wants the same as he's been getting. You can't blame him.

I know this from my personal experience so please do not misunderstand me here. Find what you truly want. If it's a sexual relationship only then have sex quickly after you meet someone. If you want a long term relationship then take it a bit slower. Be true to what you really want.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 2:04pm

sorry I did the reply to a reply instead of the original message...

You mentioned that all the guys you fall for come on like gangbusters. Are you sure its the guys that you are into and not the fact that they seem to really be into you? It is very flattering to have someone seem to be head over heals with you but sometimes it can blind you into not seeing the person. We all want to be loved and loveable and that can sometimes get in the way especially with someone that comes on really strong. Try to take a step back and evaluate the person for their characteristics and common interests. Assess them for the qualities you admire in another person such as intelligence, humor, devotion to family, whatever you feel is important and put how they react to you to the side.

I could be way off base, but it may be worth considering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:34pm

Let him go. He isn't worth the heartache, and certainly not worth your attention. This was an unfortunate learning experience. You'll do better next time. Don't give it up too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:09pm
Thank you. Some of the responses seemed harsh, as if I asked for it. I am aware that I shouldn't have slept with him on the 2nd date. My confusion wasn't about that really. It was about his being different towards me on the 4th date out of nowhere and then making a 5th date to just blow me off. Just because we slept together does not mean I deserved that. Thanks for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:14pm
Maybe I didn't make it clear (my question)- what was different was that he changed so quickly and blew me off. It wasn't just a sexual relationship. We were dating and he said that he wanted something to develop. I guess because I slept with him, I made myself seem not worth a relationship? Thats unfortunate. Its really the first time I did that so soon. Its a mistake I won't repeat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:46pm

I dont agree it is a mistake to sleep with someone if you like them.
I ve had sex with my Ex on the fourth date and we were together for two yrs.
Some guys still perceive having sex with women as women giving up something. I would not want to be with a guy like that anyway!
I think the lesson is not to get emotionally attached ( or have high expectations) to someone you just met.
You may hold off on the sex part and then realize you are in love with a guy who has a lot of sexual issues! I met a guy last year and could feel there was great potential but I was glad I slept with him on Date 6 kuz he was unable to orgasm and this was obviously a deal-breaker for me so glad I knew that b4 I got too emotionally attached.

The guy is a loser, he probably got scared when he felt you are going in the "R" direction!! so he preferred to ghost. His loss dont waste a minute thinking about him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:23am
Sometimes it can be a mistake to sleep with someone too soon and sometimes it just happens and turns into a relationship anyway. I wouldn't beat yourself up about sleeping with him too soon because we are all human and things like that happen sometimes. It's just that we women do tend to get emotionally attached when we do have sex so we should prevent ourselves from having sex until we know the guy better and if we find that he has qualities that meet out criteria for a long term relationship, because sex can blind us into thinking that this person is right for us when really they are not. Also a lot of men like the challenge and if we dont' give them a run for their money a little bit they may think it was just too easy for them and will run in the other direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:46am
I think I hear where you're coming from. You felt like you got in a hit and run. You're still reeling, wondering what happened and why. Been there, done that. I can't say about this guy for certain, but I know for my own satisfaction that some guys just like to cause PAIN. They're misogynists. They hate women. They can be charming, passionate, seemingly everything a woman could want. However, they just use it like a lure to get revenge on some poor, unsuspecting woman. Women probably do this to men, too. It has nothing to do with you. With some of these guys, it wouldn't matter if you waited six minutes or six years to sleep with them. What they're after is that vulnerability and once they get it, they stomp all over it. I think you're right, this guy sounds like a loser. Sorry you went through this. I guess you can be happy you didn't have to waste any more time with him. In the future, maybe you can take what you learned from this guy to spot his type earlier. It can be subtle, but there are little signs along the way. A quick sexual involvement is one, IMO. Best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
In reply to: ivy_midnight
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:23am

It wasn't a sexual relationship for you......you can't speak for him because his actions dictate differently.

I hear that you feel made a mistake....a mistake we all make.....I think you've learned a hard lesson and now it's time to go back and do it the way you normally do.

Good Luck!!

F

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