What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
What would you do?
8
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:35pm

Okay, Saturday night I met a guy at a friend's 30th birthday party. I'm introduced to Mark- one of her single friends- and he immediately starts talking to me- and yes we hit if off and spent the next few hours talking and drinking. Mark- came on really strong and seemed very interested- and constantly complimented me (and said to me what can often be the kiss of death: why is someone like you still single- why haven't you been married yet?)Of course he tells me he "doesn't play games and is so ready to meet someone" (the other kiss of death comment) (He's 35- I'm 34- and his friends kept saying he is SUCH a nice guy that just hasn't met someone since his divorce three years ago)

I know its SUPPOSED to be a compliment- but the last three guys that have said that- have had more problems than I can tell you! It seems that someone who says that seems to think that my horns or vampirelike tendencies should appear- because what the good people can't still be single?

Anyway- nothing physical happened (ouside of a quick good night kiss)- he dropped me off at my place at the end of the evening- and the next day spoke about going to lunch- which we did- and at the end of the date a few hours later he asks again "When can I see you again?" He knew I was going out of town for a week on Tuesday- so he asks me out for dinner on Monday.

12:00 Monday- he calls me and cancels. We finally talk at 4:00PM- to which he tells me that: He saw me on Saturday and Sunday- and seeing me on Monday- is just too much too soon."

WHAT??? He asked me out- and hence it was only going to be dinner- I have to pack and get ready to leave! Most of my friends say: He's a total jerk- what kind of lame excuse is that to give to me? A few actually have said- well maybe he got freaked out give him another chance.

Opinions? I definately get a bad vibe on how he came on SO strong (just telling me we would make such a good match because we have a lot in common)- and then can't commit to dinner- because its "too much"???

Opinions- please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:48pm
I would give him another chance but I would keep in mind that he just gave you a huge red flag about comittment problems.....too much too soo is a distancing/emotional avaiblity problem. But I could be wrong. I know that some of the other poster on this board have great insight into commitment problem guys it will be interesting to see what they think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:05am

Thanks, I agree. One of my friends just told me that I shouldn't have gone and played the "game" to let him miss me. I mean come on, I am about to go away for a week! So its not like I am going to see him for awhile anyways!

I think there is something to be said that someone that comes on strong- and then that backs off like that (and I swear all of those guys always say "I don't play games"- yeah whatever!) - that's a total mixed message- and its not my job (in my opinion) to read between the lines and say "Hmmm, if I see him this often- he's not missing me enough- and if I sleep with him then, he won't respect me" (there was NO fooling around in this case- but you get the picture)

But I am interested in other's comments-

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:09am
I just finished Men who can't love (see thread in "more than dating") and he's scared she's scared. Both books give coming on too strong and idolizing you as red flags to comittment issues. Interesting reads.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am
ITA with Teri.
heather 5-18-10
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:13pm

Okay, Saturday night he came on strong but that may have been because of the drinking. IMO not a big deal, you're at a party, whatever. After another few hours on Sunday he wants to set up the next date - this is a good sign! The timing was funky though with your trip and it sounds like he made a snap decision... I'd suspect maybe his 'voice of reason' woke up Monday morning and realized 3 days in a row is too much too soon, and you needed to pack and whatnot. While breaking the date is a bummer, I'd say it's for good reason. It may be that he had an old pattern of rushing things, started the pattern but caught himself. I've done this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 1:56pm

It's been a while for me (we celibrate a year this Sat, we're also in our mid/late 30's), but I don't remember either of us having any anxieties about when we're to meet next, how often we're meeting, what we're doing - it just kind of worked out for us because we 1) were ready and 2) we both felt it was right between us. That's something you just can't overanalyze - chemistry.

But I've been on the other side as well. A "rapid ramp-up" that took 2 months to fizzle out. Even today I'm still not sure why it did, but I put it behind me so I could be available to meet the right one for me.

If he reaches out again, maybe give him one more opportunity. The decision will probably be clearer for you when you return. But for me, two strikes would put him down for the count in my book.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:17pm

Actually he DID not apologize for cancelling. That bothered me GREATLY. He just said "Well I realized I shouldn't have asked you because three days in a row is too much, too soon." - He didn't say "have a great trip, when you are coming back"- just "Yeah well, we'll talk when you get back and maybe we'll get together."

I will add one more thing to this post: I do now question his drinking. He apparently forgot that he had asked me to lunch (and asked more than once!)- but for some reason he remembered I was taking an exercise class in the morning and called a few minutes after it ended. He asked to see me again- and I said "well you asked me to lunch" - he actually didn't remember it! Very weird. He also was less complimentary (as we was before)- but that to me was actually good- because he did come across as a bit over the top.

It wasn't just his words- it was how he said them- and he was NOT apologetic at all. Almost like I was expecting too much from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:29pm

Hmm, I almost say write it off then at this point.

heather 5-18-10