Am I too sensitive to men???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Am I too sensitive to men???
8
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 5:04pm

I have some males friends that seem lately to hurt my feelings. Here is my run down on them:

T - I met T online in February accidentally. I had ceased doing the OLD thing since 2002 and had a good 2 year run with it. I IM'd T because he indicated in ICQ that he liked Nascar and I wanted someone to chat with about it. We have become fast friends and really like each other but we both know that the distance is too great so we fly by the seat of our pants and chat most every night. I have been real good about allowing the real world to interfere with our nightly chats which at times has caused some problems with him. Last night I wasn't feeling well so I emailed him before I left work and told him that I was going to bed early and would not be able to chat. There have been other nights I have done this for various reasons that come up. It always happens that he doesn't answer my daily email that I send in the early morning at lunch when he gets home and today is no exception. This hurts my feelings because I am honest with him that I am missing our chat but it seems like it takes a few days for him to not be sore with me. The ironic part is he never tells me when he isn't going to be able to chat he just goes and does with no regard to my sitting there waiting for him to show up.

M- M is a young co-worker who we have a slight bit of an attraction for each other, however, he is over 20 years younger than I am. He fixed me up with another co-worker who I've had a crush on for over 5 years. (more on that). Lately M will not speak to me unless its business related. When I do meet up with him (I do not go out of my way to find him ever!!) I ask if he's speaking to me yet?? He insists that I am wrong that he is speaking to me but he is so obviously avoiding me. Some say he is upset with me because I am getting along well with the guy he fixed me up with. Jeez...

G- My ghost. AS you all know I met someone online 6 years ago and he has ghosted on my so many times. Well he has finally wants a real relationship with me. Jeez.....we had a long time a few weeks ago about how he can't stand that I am interested in other people...(like I have been the whole 6 years??) But I told him at this point I can't promise anything...actually I know that I can never move up where he lives with him being so unreliable. I couldn't possibly give up my home and job for this man. I just haven't told him yet. His own fault he should have been straight with me from the start.

and finally W - my crushing co-worker. We have been taking it real slow since December and he has taught me more about myself and how to not jump into a relationship. He called on Saturday night and we talked another 4 hours. (Normal phone conversations is about 3-4 hours.) During that phone conversation he was a bit short with me and it upset me. He was being honest about something in regards to me and I appreciate it but for some reason I took it real hard. He apologized and said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings and I reminded him he was only being honest and that is how I felt. During that phone call we talked about my weight loss success and I told him about one of my favorite items to eat (tangelos) and left one on his desk for him to try. He IM'd me to thank me for it. Then no more than a second was he at my desk to inform me that even though I said they were the greatest things and sweet he found them to be the most tart sour things and he hated it. I wanted to cry........he left and soon I got another IM to inform me that he had put a few slices in his iced tea and it was very good that way. This is the man I want. He is a very tall thick man who has the most amazing smile and dark brooding eyes. He is growing a beard that he hates and has made it real clear the only reason he keeps it is because I like it. We are friends at this point but the last few weeks when I see him my stomach has butterflies. Makes me feel like I am 16 again.

So my question is why am I so sensitive to these people?? Why can't I care less about what they think about my taking care of myself and sleeping instead of being handcuffed to the laptop everynight? Why can't I care less that my young friend has some real issues in regards to me?? Why can't I care less if my big handsome crush hated my tangelo??? Help me to understand why because I am 46 years old and never had any problems being sensitive to men in the past. If they didn't like something so be it and good riddance. Am I getting soft in my old age???

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 6:55pm

My adivce may not work for you because we're very different in our approaches however my only suggestion is to live your own life and do not go out of your way with these routines of IM'ing people who may never be a part of your life - to me this seems like the biggest waste of one's time, what's the point? Why not focus on one or two men you can date in real life that take an active interest in you (not casual) to build on something that will tear you away from your lap top and put you into something a bit more meaningful?????????? One can only IM so much and it gets old REAL fast that's why it's probaby loosing it's luster for your friend - not personal just the reality of it.


Take a deep breath and focus on YOU - not them :-)


 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 7:18pm

Being sensitive is something I can *totally* relate to ;-), and one of the things I've worked hardest on about myself in recent years--not taking things so personally.

One thing that helps me with that is reminding myself that other people are not me...in other words, I cannot assume that I know their motivation for certain words or actions or whatever because of what *my* motivation would be...they might have a completely different motivation and I won't know what it is unless I ask. I have had a bad habit in the past of thinking "well, I would only do *that* if I wanted to accomplish XYZ" and assuming that the other person is doing it for the same reason...and that's just not true.

Another thing that helps is to remember that people's actions/words are almost always about THEM, not me.

Have you ever read "The Four Agreements"? I think the author's name is Miguel Ruiz. It has a section on not taking things personally that I found interesting and helpful. It's a short, quick read.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 7:23pm

I realize you are in a sensitive state right now; so I hope my response doesn't offend you or make you more upset. I also know that you are one of the few that believes most of us gals on this Board don't give guys we meet online much of a chance. In all fairness, most have done this too long and I'm 45 and my tolerance level, patience and experience has made me how I am today as far as dealing with men online or men in general.

Personally, it just seems to me that you over-extend yourself when it comes to these guys; and the reasoning for feeling sensitive is cause they are not exhibiting the same behavior.

T - this guy is a pen pal. I would suggest limiting your chat to 2-3 times a week instead of every night and/or mirror his behavior and act accordingly. If he doesn't feel the need to email you when he will not be available to chat then you do the same. The reality is for both of you that you will eventually have REAL relationships (in the real world) and eventually the chatting will become less or nil cause the other person will be fulfilling your needs.

M - he's 20 years younger than you -- and your acting as if you can't talk to him. Ask him directly what's up; you notice a change in his behavior and wanted to know if there needs to be a discussion. If he is stating that he is not upset; then I wouldn't worry about what other people say and just go on about your business. When you run into him, say hello, etc. and keep moving.

G - Met 6 years ago and he has ghosted on you so many times? He is unreliable -- why are you even still talking with him?? Close the door and throw away the key on this guy!!

W - nice to have butterflies and keep enjoying his company. I think you are being a bit too sensitive about the "tangelos" but with all the other guys who are just taking up space and time (with no reward) in your life there is no wonder you are feeling sensitive. With W in the mix; I'm wondering why you have so much time to chat or deal with the first 3 guys -- seemingly just a waste of time.

I think you need to make some boundaries with these guys and find some other hobbies.

Of course, you just could be perimenopausal and just having mood swings!! (smile)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 9:34pm

F what are you doing????? You are spending all your time trying feel good about nothing bad. It is a symptom!! You are wasting your efforts online that are best directed to one or two really nice guys. You could have a Wednesday, I cook for you and next Wednesday you cook for me.

And you could have a next Sunday cooking date too.

Now, I cook, maybe you don't, so how about you buy movie tickets one week and he picks a movie and buys tickets the next week.

But you seem to be spending an addiction of time on these chat and message boards. The point is to get us nice guys out in the flesh so you can give us your company and show us how pretty you are. Next time you get ghosted, block him for good. Next time you get s sore little pouter cause mommy isn't giving 100% attention 100% of the time, block him.

Et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Use google for recipes or movie tickets, and never get involved again with a man who fixes you up with another guy. How sick! They are going to talk about you and maybe in front of other people!

Use your online tools wisely to meet real people you can socialize with. Soon enough the right guy will show up. All the wrong guys are hiding online. You want the ones who use the net to meet nice pretty girls so they can go out on dates!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 9:36pm

I agree! Pre-menopausal has to play a huge part in my emotions!!

T - He is a pen pal and nothing more. We have become great friends and I enjoy hearing how his day goes. Nothing more than that.

M - I asked him a few times what was up and he said nothing and I shouldn't assume that he isn't talking to me. I even said that a change in his behavior indicates different. I am tired of him and his games and really miss my friend but what can I do?

G - I know I know...he's not even worth the time but he's the one that makes my knees weak. What can I say? I don't spend any time or waste any time on him anymore.

W - He and I work different shifts and we only talk on the phone once a week at this point. I said we were going slowly. But its been great for me.

thanks for your response!!

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 9:39pm

Thanks Sheri!! I will look into that book. I think I am just overwhelmed and I know I like W the most and the fact that he is real and interested makes it much more fun for me. Need to stop being so sensitive about the people who don't really count.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:43pm

I dont think being "overly sensitive" is too much of an issue, lots of people are. But i think people need, in this dating age, & dealing with ... after all .... MEN

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 6:07pm

Thanks I have often what would happen if I told my young friend how I felt. There are too many things that have passed in my life to deny him going forward, such as, having children. We would be amazing together.

Thank you for your respone. You are right my big teddy bear W is the man I will pursue.

F