Another question please???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Another question please???
5
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:23pm

I am having the best time of my life right now. I have lost weight and working to make myself a healthier person since my spinal fusion in 2001. I walk with a cane and want to find out if I lose the excess poundage how much better my legs would work. I can say that the little bit of weight loss so far has made a world of difference. The weight is slow coming off my legs because I am not that active.

My question is my friend who I am very interested in that I work with carries some baggage with him from a divorce 5 years ago. He has gained weight since the divorce and feels badly about himself and just doesn't understand what I see in him. (Okay here I go again...the smile and the eyes oh my goodness!!! Whew is it warm in here or what??) Anyway I thought from the beginning that the difference in our attitudes (his negative/mine ultra positive) and the weight loss was going to destroy this for us. We talked about it in the beginning and he thinks that I would be a good influence on him overall. We had a bit of a tense moment on the phone last weekend in regards to how I sound like a self help book and quite frankly he doesn't read them. Today in IM I teased him that 1/2 my day is over (we work different shifts) and he came back and said his 1/8th over. I said it was better than 1/9th and his response was true and then he referred to me as Miss Sunshine. He is a sarcastic man mostly and very funny. But I get the hint that he is annoyed at times with my sunny disposition. I told him that I would work on the self help stuff but he also cautioned that I be myself all the time.

I have lived through the worst of times being told I would end up in a wheelchair and never work again. I work full-time and live alone and support myself completely. I struggle every day but it makes me feel better about myself and I want him to feel the same way. (He had a motorcycle accident that left his ankles and knees destroyed).

I have to mind my P's & Q's but is this relationship doomed? I don't want to change him I like him just the way he is. He wants to be better I know and there are some changes in him recently that I can see but we have talked how important it is that he does it himself and I agree.

Any thoughts. I hate to get to a point where I suck him in and it looks like it just isn't going to work between us because I would hate to do that to him. He is so vulnerable.

F

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:57pm

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking, sorry. Does he not have free will in the matter ;-)? He's an adult and can decide whether to get involved or not, right? No mature, healthy adult thinks that any relationship or potential relationship is risk-free.

Only time will tell if your differences are so great as to make you incompatible for a relationship. That's what dating is all about.

So long as you are not going into it thinking you are going to change him (which it doesn't sound like you are), then I don't see the problem.

Or am I completely misunderstanding what you're trying to ask ;-)? If so, sorry!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 4:44pm

No you're reading it right....I might make it a bit complex cuz I am a bit confused myself. I don't want to change him....wish he could be healthier though but that is his choice.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 5:02pm
Sounds to me like maybe he is afraid of getting involved & getting hurt. IF he truly is a nice peson, this will lessen over time, when & if trust builds. BUt, i must warn you - if he is a NEGATIVE person, be careful ... b/c that DOENST go away & will erode everything over time.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 5:58pm

I agree we have discussed his fears at length and he did say that trust will be the deciding factor!! I can't be with someone who is negative because I can go back there real easily.

Thanks for your response...I apologize for our discussion earlier this week. I hope you can forgive me.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 2:17am
No problem F! :)
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