Feel like a serial dater

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
Feel like a serial dater
7
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 11:22am
I'm a 52, live in a small town and usually date men from out of town, for many reasons. Looking for a solid LTR but in the meantime am having lots of first dates that are not going anywhere. Part of the problem is where I live and who is willing to travel; I travel to a large city periodically and will have a date there sometimes. Yesterday, for instance, I met someone in a town an hour away. He traveled 3 hours to meet me. We had a very good day, went to a museum, park/zoo and had a meal together. The thing is, the minute I saw him, I knew that physically he was not my type; looked overweight and older than his picture. However, I was determined to have a nice enjoyable day, and we did. He apparently did not "get out much", had not been to this town before and I was interested in what he did, asked him about himself and I think he really did enjoy the day. I paid for some things, he insisted on paying for the meals. By the end of the day (six hours) I had determined that for sure, even though we had a good time, he was not the one for me. He had a strong personality, was too touchy (kept touching my hair and wanting to hold my hand), mind you-this person was a perfect stranger at 9:30 am. So when we parted ways in the afternoon, I did not give him the impression one way or another of whether we would see each other again; talked about us being in touch online. When I got home I sent a very nice email thanking him for driving to meet me, hoped he had enjoyed himself, as I had and said I didn't see us as being in a relationship as we were really too different, too far away. Now my whole point here is this: Is it wrong to just have one date, enjoy his company and the day together but not see him again? This has happened several times before. Nice guy, good date, but for one reason or another he was not what I am looking for. He's overweight, he is unemployed, he does not take care of himself - stuff like that. I don't feel bad afterwards, usually, because we experienced a good restaurant or went to a good museum, in general usually had a good time. And I always email them afterwards and tell them my thoughts in a very nice way. Is this not nice - what I'm doing? There have been a couple over the past year that I really liked, but they were not really interested in a long distance relationship. Sorry this post is so long; I just was looking for some thoughts on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 11:40am

No there is nothing wrong with what you are doing but there might be a few things you can do to prevent from having too many failed dates. You need to determine exactly what type of person you are looking for and make sure you only meet those men that fall into those categories. If an unemployed man is not what you are looking for avoid making dates with these men.

Can I make a suggestion too...?? Something that I have learned as I have aged (I am 46 yrs old)and remained single and dating is men our age do not necessarily age well. Men our age are going to have the natural stomach fat and have unusual jobs due to the condition of the economy these days. (What I mean is they work hard for many years and find themselve outsourced, laid off or fired for a number of different reasons that do not speak for the man's character.) Health plays a huge part of it as well.

Can I suggest you lower your standards. I wouldn't expect that you marry someone that you aren't attracted to but be more open to a man's imperfections. If you want a tall, thin, buff man then make sure your profile indicates this. I agree that men will send a picture that compliments themselves moreso the pic of the moment that shows what he really looks like but having a nice day with a "friend" isn't against the law. Sometimes us women need to date like a man. *wink wink*

I hope this helps and does not appear harsh. Just make sure you are avoiding falling in love for whatever reasons. I appears to want a relationship but get myself involved with emotionally unavailable men or long distance men because they're safe. Make sure if you are truly wanting to find love that a brick wall does not stand between you and the man of your dreams.

F

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 12:15pm

I don't understand...why on earth would that be not nice?

That's what dating is all about...seeing if the person is a good fit for you! If they aren't, why would you keep seeing them?

Or am I totally missing something here?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 2:52pm
I see nothing wrong at all with it. You know what you want, & how will you find it unless you try?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:36am
There is definitely nothing "wrong" or "not nice" about
heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:00pm
Hi,
I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing, but I might shorten the dates a bit. I keep first meets anly about 1 hour long.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:36pm

Another thing I was wondering about (you don't have to answer if you don't want ), but why do you only date men from out of town?

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:38pm
Thanks for all the responses; it has definitely given me something to think about. My home is up for sale and as soon as it sells, I will be moving to Albuquerque, which is about 3 hours from here. I would like to meet someone from there or that area. I have lived in this small town for many years and I plan to do a job transfer and make a change. Anyway, on retrospect, I do agree that a first date should not last all day, but like someone mentioned, if they drive from out of town, they want to spend the day with you. But I think I'll just keep it short from now on; in fact, I think I might even take a break from online dating - it's too hard to do when I really am in transition right now. Thanks again for the insight, I do enjoy this forum.