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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:23am |
Okay.
So I’m new to the whole “internet dating” thing. It feels kind of strange, you know…a bit contrived, like it’s not natural. I'm slowly overcoming that way of thinking and just seeing it as a different way to meet men. I’ve met a couple of decent guys. One guy, I’ve met and had lunch with. He’s really, really, cool. We have a second date on Saturday. We really hit it off, y’all. I enjoy talking to him. So, here’s the point of my post. I am the kind of person who tends to get attached to men really quickly. This is me, in general; it has nothing to do with online dating. Does anyone have any tips for just taking things slowly and enjoying getting to know people? I tend to meet a guy, put all my eggs in that basket right away, and close my eyes to other guys. I’ve actually had contact with another guy I met online who seems cool, too. I don’t want to get so wrapped up in guy 1 that I don’t open myself up to getting to know guy 2. The lure of online dating is that you’re meeting someone who has the qualities that you’ve spelled out that you want in a prospective significant other. This guy, guy 1, has most of those qualities; I could see myself with a guy like him. However, I’m sure he isn’t the only one with those qualities. I just don’t want to rush into anything with anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to be a serial online dater. I’d like for something to materialize with someone in the near future.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Mali

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After only one date with guy 1, you don't KNOW if he really has all those qualities or if he just SEEMS like he does. Only time will tell if he really does. I prefer to date someone regularly (1-3 times a week) for 6-8 weeks before deciding to date him exclusively (and before sleeping with him)--that way you at least have some idea of whether his words and behavior are consistent, etc. I also find it takes a good 3-4 months of dating for the initial flush of infatuation to pass so you can start to have an idea of whether the two of you are truly compatible, but I've never been able to wait quite *that* long to have sex ;-) (but I do try to keep reminding myself that it's early and time will tell).
I find that continuing to date others during the period of time before committing to dating someone exclusively helps me not be so focused on that one person (which is a good thing), and it keeps my options open in case one guy or another flakes (which is VERY common in OLD). Also, keep in mind that most guys you meet are probably dating others, so that's another reason not to put all your eggs in one basket.
Sheri
I especially appreciate how you were specific about time frames as far as frequency of dates and length of time that you allow to pass before even thinking about exclusivity. I'm also glad that you brought up sex. I know that it is a challenge for me to hold out when I meet someone that I'm vibing with and that I'm attracted to. In my most recent relationships, I was able to hold out for a month. Even that, to me, isn't enough time. I made a decision that I wouldn't be so quick to get physical. Even though it feels great at the time, I usually end up regretting it and feeling guilty for getting physical so fast. I know how I am; I get attached after I've been intimate with a man, and I don't want to get attached to someone for the wrong reasons (sex is a wrong reason). I really want to get to know a guy inside and out before giving my body to him. It's hard though, when you're having late night talks on your sofa, and the mood is just right! Anyone feel me on that one?!?
I do believe that online dating will teach me to not put all my eggs in one basket, and to date a few men before committing to one. I'm not getting any younger, though, and I hope to make something stick sometime in the near future. I'm not one to just date for the sake of dating. I would like to be in a relationship.
Anyway, wish me luck. I'm not good at juggling two guys at once. I really don't like to do that; however, I know that I have to date different people in order to find the one that's good for me.
Thanks again,
Mali
Edited 5/2/2006 1:03 pm ET by mali2579
You're welcome!
I'm right there in that boat with you...I get emotionally attached also to the men I sleep with, even when I deliberately choose inappropriate men to have sex with between relationships--I wish I could stay detached, but I can't! So what happens with me is that I have sex too soon with someone who *does* seem like they have good potential, get attached, and THEN find out that they have some bad (dealbreaker-type) qualities...but I can't end it because I'm too attached by then. I've worked hard in the last several years to overcome this and have gotten better at waiting (and have not slept with some men who turned out to be incompatible, and it was much easier to let them go), but I still make that mistake from time to time. I'm dating a handful of guys now and am determined not to sleep with (and become exclusive with) any of them until we've been dating for at least 6-8 weeks.
Anyway...I find that avoiding dates where we're talking on the couch late at night is a good idea ;-).
For good tips on dating more than one guy at a time, I highly recommend "Date Like a Man" by Myreah Moore. I don't agree with *everything* in the book but there's a lot of good stuff in there.
Sheri
Sooooo...
When you say date 1 - 3 times each week... how often are you communicating with the guy?? I ask because I recently went on a blind date... actually it was attending a dance with a new potential dance partner who I was set up with by a mutual friend. She knew I was searching hard for a dance partner and he let her know he was too, so she gave him my e-mail address.
The dance was Friday and we totally hit off... same passion for dancing and compatible personalities. Since then, we have IM'd every day.. ok, it's only been 3 times, but it has been daily. I think I would like to date him and I think it is a mutual feeling. So, I guess my question really is... in your opinion, is IM'ing daily moving it along too quickly??
Thanks!
I don't IM with guys I'm dating, so it's hard for me to say...how long are you spending online with each other? And do you have another date set?
For me, a quick phone call every 2-3 days in between dates is much preferable to emailing (or IM'ing, if I did that) once we've met. A quick daily email would be ok too...but I really prefer getting to know someone in person and I don't like to chit chat a lot when I'm first getting to know someone.
Sheri
Guess what? You know the guy I was telling you about, "guy 1", well, he and I had an interesting conversation. We talked about our beliefs (e.g. dating, relationships, how fast to move in dating, etc.). I found out that we're polar opposites: I'm very conservative, while he couldn't be further from it!!! He believes that there shouldn't be hard and fast rules of dating. For example, he believes that if you're vibing with someone, there's no reason why you should feel compelled to wait to be physical. I believe that it is important to wait to really get to know someone before moving to that level. Of course, you're going to be sexually attracted to people. However, if we always acted on those feelings just because we're "vibing", we'd be having sex with nearly with every person we met!
I'm not saying that the fact that me and this guy are polar opposites is a bad thing. Maybe we'll hit it off anyway, maybe not. I'm just saying that it goes to show that although one may think that just because a person goes online, creates a profile, spelling out what she wants, that she'll always get just that. It takes really getting to know a person, beyond the IMing and email, to find out if they're actually what you're looking for.
So, thank you for your advice.
The IM's have been at least an hour each and more than just chit-chatty. In addition to some joking around, we have talked about some real life things and probably half of the conversation is about dance.
The next dance is this Friday and we are meeting at a restaurant before for a drink.. which makes it date-like. But like the first dance, I am planning to pay my way in to the dance and buy my own drinks. I guess I am thinking that this is just a dance partnership until he invites me on a date... no dance.
I think more the point is just that IM is not the greatest way to get to know someone no matter what you're talking about - chit chat or real-life issues.
That wouldn't work for me...too much time and effort, plus I prefer to get to know someone in person. But I know a lot of people enjoy IM'ing...I don't see the attraction, personally (I occasionally exchange brief IMs with out of town friends but that's it) but hey, different strokes for different folks ;-).
I agree with Vex on the paying thing. Have fun...it'll be interesting to see how it develops.
Sheri
Yes, that's partly the point I was making...you don't really "know" someone until you've spent quite a bit of time with them.
His attitude is typically of many men, I think. They don't get the fact that women tend to get emotionally attached to the men we sleep with because most of them are not wired the same way. So for me, it's not about "hard and fast rules", it's about me taking what precautions I can to prevent me from getting my heart broken yet again, ya know??? So many women get sucked in to this idea that we "should" be able to have sex without getting attached like many men do, that there's something wrong with us if we can't...and it messes us up. I don't know if you read my update post but I'm dealing with the fallout of that now...trying yet again to have sex without getting attached...but of course it didn't work and now I'm hurting bad.
Anyway, if he is understanding of your POV and is willing to wait, then he may be a keeper. Keep us posted!
Sheri
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