Exchanging real names

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Exchanging real names
18
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 10:49am

At what point is it "normal" to exchange real names? How can I find out my match's real name (or what he says is his real name) without disclosing mine first?

I have been on Match.com for a couple of months and have had online conversations with more than half a dozen "matches" but nothing has progressed to a "meet-and-greet." Right now I am talking to one guy who seems nice enough but who hasn't told me his real last name. We have progressed to e-mailing outside the Match "anonymous mail" but both of us have mail addresses that don't disclose our names.

I don't know how to ask for his last name without first offering mine. But it makes me nervous because why hasn't he offered his first? (He was the one who "winked" at me. He was the one who suggested we e-mail outside Match.) Given that there is typically more of a safety risk for women than for men shouldn't he be the one who first discloses "identifiable information"?

The thing is his e-mails are disclosing private, personal information (nothing sexual, just feelings, personal history, confession of flaws) and he seems to expect me to respond in kind but I feel uncomfortable doing that with someone whose full name I hardly know.

Plus, I think that this kind of disclosure should come AFTER we have met face-to-face. I mean, it's like this guy doesn't want to meet me in person or even give me "identifiable information" until I have learned about his inner soul--and that seems kind of backwards to me.

I'm new at this. What do you all think?

El

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 11:29am

There's nothing wrong with keeping your last name to yourself until later.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 11:53am

I've been out with someone three times and he doesn't know my last name yet.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:36pm

I've been e-mailing with this guy since Friday. He "winked" at me on Thursday, I e-mailed back with a neutral "Thanks for the wink, tell me a little about yourself." He replied with a paragraph of general stuff, I replied with the same. That was Saturday. Sunday he wrote a long chatty e-mail and I replied with a long chatty e-mail. This was all stuff about our family backgrounds, our kids, our cars (we drive the same make) etc. But Sunday night he also e-mailed another long one talking about his life and admitting to a couple of personal flaws that wouldn't necessarily be a problem unless one were married. (And I'm not thinking of marrying at this point.) I don't know how to respond, I haven't met the guy, I don't know what he is like as a person and I don't really want to tell him a similar flaw.

I'm not really nervous about this guy, I just find it odd that he's telling me about flaws that won't be relevant unless I were thinking of marrying him but he hasn't told me his last name.

Once I tell him my first name (as opposed to my nickname) he'll be able to find out my last name. And because he is pushing forward to more "disclosure" than I am ready for, I feel like we ought at least to know each others' names.

So how does one ask an OLD match to meet? The last 3 guys I've chatted with (and _almost_ met) all suggested it themselves and then backed out/disappeared.

El

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:53pm

Huh, OK that is a little wierd.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:05pm

RE: "As for the ones that vanish after asking you out, welcome to the world of OLD! That one is a mystery to me. If a guy has no intention of meeting me or following through with his request to meet, why bother to ask me in the first place!?"

I'm guessing it's fear. I think some of these guys want to think of themselves as attractive and "wanted" but don't want to put it to a test. If he meets you in person, you might reject him. If he gets you to agree to meet him and then stands you up (or cancels at the last minute, or never e-mails or calls to firm up the date that he talked about and planned down to choosing the restaurant or whatever) then he doesn't have to face rejection. He had the pleasure of being "accepted" and now he is ready to flee.

There may be other issues--they may find themselves unexpectedly busy and may decide it is not worth the trouble to pursue the relationship and be cowards about telling you, so they cancell/stand you up. But it all comes down to not knowing how to relate to a woman as an equal person with feelings like theirs. The focus is all on themselves and what they want and need.

We are well rid of such guys (and the guys who get similar treatment from gals are well rid of such women) but I wish there weren't so damn many of them out there!

El

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:23pm

(I got so enthralled philosophizing about the psychology of guys who make dates and don't keep them that I forgot to respond to the real matter of your message in my earlier response!)

This guy only started telling me his "how I live" quirks in this last e-mail, and I can see that it is partly that he worries that I might reject him down the line because of these things so he wants me to know upfront. He wants me to say that it doesn't matter and/or to stop the relationship now because it does. Or maybe he is hoping that I wll say, "That's just how I live too!"

Truth is, I don't know if it matters. He sounds less weird than my ex became in our last years together. I can put up with a lot of weirdness. On the other hand, his telling me feels premature.

There are things about me that I am not about to tell to someone that I may never have a relationship with. For example (I've been discussing this on another board because it isn't just an OLD issue) I wear a hairpiece because of serious thinning of my hair. Obviously a guy needs to be told, but I don't think it is appropriate to tell before we've actually met and have some kind of closeness happening.

I wish I knew how to handle this guy. It's not like I have rows and rows of guys interested in me and can afford to reject someone for telling me too much about himself, but I'd feel easier if I knew his last name.

And yes, with my first name he could easily track me down. My nickname is a diminutive of my first name, so it's not like I'm hiding my "real" name. It is my "real" name just not my official, legal name.

El

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:50pm

Personally, I think sharing one's full name happens when it comes-up naturally for one reason or another. If I feel like the guy isn't going to be planning our engagement or stalking me, I don't worry if he has my name. Afterall, I give my name to all sorts of other people. I know there's really no real way to know if someone is safe or not on OLD, so I just go with my instincts. I don't make a point of giving my name, but I don't really avoid it, either. The way I figure it, the worst types of people already know my full name and where I live. The only thing I don't want to do is encourage more of them. Relationships need to progress naturally, including sharing names, when it feels o.k. to do so.

Concerning sharing of deep feelings, I suppose it would depend on the tone behind them and if you asked for it or not. One guy asked me a lot of questions and I answered them as honestly as I could without divulging too much or sounding hung-up, I hope. Anyway, he still wants to write to me. However, if you feel that this guy is telling you about his feelings in a such way as to force intimacy, I would be concerned. I like it when someone tells me their feelings within the context of the conversation. Conversation is a lot like playing tennis or any sport, I think, it needs to go back and forth kind of naturally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 9:24pm

I think that it just comes up naturally. I'm like you, I have an email address that I use that doesn't reveal my entire name (or my first name, for that matter), and honestly, I can't remember even giving a guy my last name. I think it's perfectly ok to postpone giving full names until you think you can trust him. After all, with your full name, he can (sometimes) get your address (myself, I'm unlisted but it's very easy to find my address if you know my full name and one little fact about me).

I think that if you feel comfortable with him know where you live, you can feel comfortable giving him your real/last name.







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 11:18pm

It was less feelings he was sharing than facts about himself like bad habits, things he does that might make him a bad living companion, etc. I felt it was too early to talk about these things. I mean, if you have the habit of leaving the socks on the coffee table, do I need to know until/unless I actually see you leave the socks on the coffee table? Wouldn't it be enough to ask generally about how much of a neatnik I am?

As for names, I agree that far too many people have my name. But I worry that these guys will start phoning me at work and embarrassing me.

El

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:51pm

How I communicate with people online is the same I communicate as if I am in person. I don't hold back and I don't reveal my initmate details of me. How I live is something I easily share because .. it is part of who I am. You find that weird because we are just "meeting?" What I appreciate about the women I meet (online or in person) is that they find it *different* or not what THEY would do but are accepting/non-judging about who I am and how I communicate. I see that there are enough challenges in dealing with our differences and communication styles to focus on such things.

For you, it does not seem to really matter but you thought it mattered enough to mention and for others to think so as well.

Good for me to know about how others think.

Mark

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