Discussing inability to have children!!
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| Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:29pm |
The title is not accurate, but the post is even more complicated. Yet, I've received some excellent advice on this board (thank you , all!!!!), so here I am spilling my gust here...
I am 33, single, never married, and do want to have children; yet, since there is history of mental illness in my family that can have hereditary nature, I am not sure it’s advisable to have my own, biological children. Now, the question is how to talk about that to a potential partner, especially when, with OLD, men tend to bring that up (at least with me) in the early stages of dating (date 2-4). Here is some background, if you need it: according to various studies/websites, my children will have 6 % chance of developing schizophrenia, and that only when my partner has no known family history of mental illness.
Now, this is only with one immediate relative (brother/sister in this case) developing a psychosis. In my family the story is more complicated than that. My brother committed suicide – he had a shcizoaffective disorder: a socially debilitating and, in his case, degenerative condition combining the symptoms of a major catatonic (meaning that during his episodes. he stopped eating, talking, reacting to verbal or sensory stimuli) depression with mild schizophrenia; my grand mother had been hospitalized numerous times for major depression; she also had, what I think is, a borderline personality – paranoia, difficulties trusting others, etc., etc.; her sister had a bipolar disorder.
The reason I am sharing all this info is that I don’t exactly know what to make of it myself (obviously the 6 % chance is going to be higher, given the extended history of mental illness in my family) and, to complicate things further, I don’t know how to share all this with a person I am dating without sending them running. They might think that I am also at danger of developing a mental condition, which is actually not true. At this age, and given the numerous stressors in my life that could have triggered depression and/or psychosis, but didn’t. In the span of two years I lost my much loved mother to cancer, and my brother, whom I was exceptionally close to, and I also broke up with a partner of almost 8 years, and had another break up with a boyfriend of 6 months -- so, I am very unlikely to develop any of these things… at least according to a psychiatrist I consulted…He said I was very resilient, can handle crisis well, etc. But it is still difficult to share all this without sounding like a nutcase. Yet, these men do ask me : “So, do you want to have children?” (or how many do you want) and I feel compelled to say something…
Of course this whole thing is not well researched: some scholars believe that mental illness is a combination of hereditary and environmental factors (in other words, upbringing, supportive family environment, good socialization, etc. are as important as good genes). To complicate things further, no genetic testing is really available as of now, it just empirical data that shows that mental illness tends to run in families, when it comes to schizophrenia and/or bi-polar or depression (from what I have researched…)
Nevertheless, my feelings is that I need to be honest about the complicated issues surrounding my choice to have (or not have?) my own biological children and I do think my partners should be aware of this. Think of it as some reproductive problem (although, to be honest – and without trying to play victim here – I think it is more complicated than that, due to the stigma attached to mental illness), what would you recommend? Also, based on my rambling post (and I do apologize for its length) do you think I am overthinking all of this? Should I just wait to know the person, and then share my fears? Yet, I don’t want to develop feeling for someone and then feel rejected for things I have no control over (and what is worse, they might think I misled them)
I would really, really appreciate your input!!!! Thanks!

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Yes, mental health is a very touchy issue because of stigmas and misinformation. Probably when you first bring it up, it should be enough to say there is a history of mental illness in your family.
It's good timing on your question, because this just came up for me today! One guy I'm talking with currently, has mentioned that he does not want to "pass on my family's genetics". And that, to me, is enough info for now. I don't feel it would be appropriate to ask for details until later on, if things progress.
I have one son and 1) now that I'm done with diapers and daycare and all that, I have NO desire to go back... and 2) due to a physical condition, I *should* not have any more because it would be extremely high risk. So I pretty much say up front that I am unable to. There's really nothing to discuss at the very early stages - it's just a fact that's not negotiable. Later on if it turns into more of a relationship I'll be more willing to discuss the details, but it's just TMI in the beginning.
I agree. In my situation, I have decided that it is right for me and my girls to not have any more children (in addition to other reasons) and as soon as I can, I will have my tubes tied.
I am very up front with my dates in letting them know that I will not be having any more children. I tell them that it is what I have decided it is what is best for me and the children I have... later on in a relationship as trust is build will I share more about the reasons... the deeper reasons I have made this decision.
Some guys are very accepting of my decision and want to continue dating me and some don't. Some guys are very not accepting of my decision and try to change my mind.. I don't continue to date them!
All that to say to trust yourself. If having children is not a choice for you, that is ok. Stand by your decision and share it with your dates... just don't go into all the levels of your decision until trust is built up in the relationship.
I think you are over-thinking.. 6% is not a high percentage; and I also know from whence I speak; I was married to a man who's family had similar mental issues: mother depressive and hospitalized on more than one ocassion; brother also and my ex-husband had quite a history of depression.
My daughter is happy, healthy fun loving girl - now of course she is only 5 and I am well aware that mental illness presents much later in the game, but I do think a lot of it has to do with upbringing and environment; I am sure much of the reason my husband turned into a depressive is because of his chaotic childhood with a very unstable mother (not saying at all that that was the case with your brother).
I personally don't think you should make any definitive decisions about whether or not you will have children or not, unless you really don't want them. Obviously I can understand why you would be scared to have children given your family's history, but why make a definitive decision at this point in time? Wait and see waht the future brings and who you end up with. After all, any child born to any woman has a chance of having mental or physical issues; whether there are precursors or not.
I wouldn't rush to bring up your fears on the subject; be vague; say well, if I'm in the right situation with the right partner, I would definitely consider it. Leave the heavy psychiatric talk for later in the game.
Just my two cents - i really wish you the best with this one.
Coolas
Thanks so much Coolas!
Your post, besdies good advice, provided a much needed encouragement! You are right, I don't need to make a decision right now, and I was not going to give my dates all the details anyhow... I just had no idea what to tell them... Thank you once again!
1st off
Dear R,
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement: I really, really need them right now! Sorry this is somewhat belated, but I wanted to express my gratitude.
Oh, also, I am very happy for you (I read your other post): I am glad to hear that you are at a place in your life when you can be happy again (sorry to hear about all the horrible things you had to go through).
Good luck with your "suitors"! :) Have a great summer!
Hi there,
As a 36 year-old man who is still looking to have children, I would say that being honest about your desire to have children is something to be open about. I know that I want kids, so I let women know that upi front and they have the information they need to decide if they want to keep dating me.
I also hapeen to be a therapist, and I have worked with a variety of individuals with mental illness, and the bottom line is that you never can tell what will happen. You are correct, there are a number of factors other than biological that affect mental health, not to mention that 6% is very small in the grand scheme of life.
Have faith that if you find a man who you connect with, and who wants kids, that the right thing will happen for you.
Good luck! :)
George
Thanks George!
You know, it is very encouraging to hear a therapist say that 6% is not that big of a number, probability wise -- I really needed that (of course, I already went through some weird mourning stage where I felt so sad that I can't bear my own children... it is not about procreating, actually, as it is about experiencing motherhood for me; I was already considering egg donors and what not...) I might try to have my own kids, after all (if my partner agrees)...
I actually wanted to ask you a question -- which sounds like I am asking you for free therapy, but I am going to ask it anyhow... :)) I do understand that 6 % is really neglibly low chance, but still, hypothetically speaking, what do I do with myself, if a child of mine does develop a heavy case of some mental condition? I know I am asking a question impossible to answer, but it is not even about my own comfort, it is about the guilt (sense of responsibility?) that I'd feel knowing I, in some way, that "I did this to my child"?
On the other hand, my family seems to have defied statistics: my mother had a very rare type of breast cancer (it's called "inflamatory breast cancer", comprising only 1 % of all breast cancers -- we are talking cancerous cells behavior here; hers was rare, very rapidly progressing, and generally speaking incurable). Also, the stats on my borthers condition say that only 20 % of people with schizoaffective disorder do commit suicide, yet he did... I don't know what to make of stats anymore...
Anyhow, I am really thankful for the advie you have already given me! Really appreciate it!
Feisty
Edited 5/25/2006 10:10 pm ET by fiesty_girl
Hi there...
You wrote:
"what do I do with myself, if a child of mine does develop a heavy case of some mental condition?"
I guess I would ask, "What would you do with yourself if that happened, and you didn't know there was a 6% chance of it happening?"
Life *happens*. When do we ever really know what effects our decisions are going to have?
Sometimes it is hard to have faith when we don't understand why something happens, or something happens that we don't like. My girlfriend of nearly six years broke up with me recently because she wants to work on her own issues. I don't understand why she has to break up with me to do it, but I have to have faith that she is doing what is best for her, and that, somehow, this will be best for me in the long run. I can't imagine how, but I have faith.
Sometimes, a little faith goes a long way. :)
I hope this helps.
George
I'm very sorry to hear about your brother.
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