Do You Worry What Other People Think?
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| Mon, 09-11-2006 - 11:36am |
This topic has been on my mind a lot. How many of you worry about what other people think of who you are dating? Is it important that your friends and family like the guy you are with? The reason I ask is because this is apparently a lot more important to me than I ever admitted to.
I was with a guy (for a number of years) who my family and a good number of friends did not believe was good for me. They made comments about him that hurt me, although I realize I was in denial about his problems from the start. I also have matured to the point where I believe if the "majority" of your friends and/or family do not like the guy, chances are good there is a good reason for that.
In contemplating the demise of my relationship with Mark (which ended in May), I had hoped that things might change and that we might end up together again. He had the custody battle to deal with and made some pretty bad decisions in regards to that. In the beginning I was positive I would not take this guy back if he came back, then later I recanted and decided that if he did come to his senses, that I would take him back. So far, nothing has really changed with his situation but I am also interested in someone else now. Not sure if anything will pan out with that either, but at least I am finally interested in someone else who lives locally and is not on any dating sites.
But, I'm brought back to my original question here. For the sake of discussion, say Mark does call me or want to start over at some point (not saying when or if I think that will happen), but would you worry that others would think you were a total fool to take a guy back when he had hurt you so badly? Does the reasons matter why your relationship ended at all? Do you believe the only good and stable relationship is the one that never breaks up or is it possible to break up for a period of months and have it rekindle later? I am to the point of wanting someone stable who has his life in order. I do not know when or if Mark will ever get to that point.
It would be great if I could start dating and have the kind of romance I would love with the new prospect. My dream would be to be dating someone else and ask "Mark who?" if someone asked in 6 months. I do not want to put all my eggs in one basket, but I was curious about your thoughts.

from experience if most of your friends think he is not right for you, then he is not right for you. the problem is some friends try to hide their discomfort fearing to upset you. Almost all the bad BFs I had, my family and friends had told me not to date... I now try to listen seriously to their advice kuz I know there are things I cant see...
I dont think you should go back to Mark. If he hurt you and made you suffer and go back to him you are sending the message that he can do it anytime and you still going to forgiveand get back together... I hope the other romance works out and you forget all about this guy.
Honestly, Mitsy, the only input I seriously consider are my parents' advice. If my mother or father told me "That man isn't good for you", I'd most likely dump the guy. I believe that most parents want the best for their children and they can see a potentially good partner for their son or daughter. Your parents aren't for the most part driven by jealousy or ill-will. Good parents practice what they preach. They probably don't have ulterior motives to bad-mouth anyone their child is dating. Friends aren't always so objective. Friends lots of times give bad advice and depending on where they're own life is at, might not always want you to be happy. Therefore, I take most of my friends' opinions with a grain of salt. Not all, but most. Especially when most of them are very unhappy and struggling in bad relationships themselves. If they can't fix their own lives or get a good partner, they have no right commenting on mine.
Now, as far as Mark goes, let me tell you that there are very few couples who start off smooth sailing and stay there. Initially, during that honeymoon period yeah, it's a bed of roses and everyone's on their best behavior, but all couples have problems. The fact that there were big issues to resolve between you and Mark shouldn't be the only thing you focus on. It's normal to have issues to resolves early on. You were two people trying to mesh your lives together. It's bound to happen and just because obstacles arose, I don't think it's neccessarily a reason to eliminate him from your life forever or say the relationship wasn't meant to be. With Mark perhaps a major source of discord between you two were his child custody issues. If you meet someone else, there will be other issues, perhaps even bigger, something that will bother you even more.
Let me give you some examples...my sister dated her husband for 7 years. After 3 years she wanted to marry, he didn't. They clashed about that for a loooong time. My sister was not happy about his ambivalence at all. Put it this way, I have no doubt he loved her, but he wasn't going to marry till he was damn well good and ready. Some women may have left. My sister stuck it out. She kicked, screamed, got pissed off, but in the end, when he was ready, he asked her to marry him. Today my sister is very happy, you'd never guess that's how it was, but it's the truth. Today she has a beautiful son and a great home. But believe me, she had her moments of anger, confusion and despair when she dated her husband. It must not feel too good having the man you love say "I'm not ready to marry you now". That must be a bitter pill to swallow. It wasn't that he didn't love her...he just wasn't ready to marry her at that time. When he was ready, they did it. But it took a lot of patience on her part.
My brother and sister-in-law broke up for 8 months before they married and they used to fight constantly about her son from a previous relationship. My brother was young, unaccustomed to dating anyone with kids and it was new for him. It was rocky ground for the first year or two. Now, they are older, they are married and he's grown to love his step-son as his own. After some understanding on everyone's part, they've found a happy medium, but it didn't happen instantaneously. It wasn't 'perfect'.
My mother said that when she married my step-dad, it was very difficult that first year also. My step-dad was a retired 40 year-old Navy man, single with no kids. My mom was a 39 year old divorcee with 3 children. The first year they were married, she said she felt she was walking on eggshells. Trying to please her new husband but trying not to make her children feel ignored. She said it took a good year or two before we all became a true family. But he had to get used to us and we had to get used to him. Some women (or men) wouldn't said forget this, I'm out of here. But they stook it out. It wasn't always wonderful. Eventually though we grew to love my step-dad and he loved us. But it took time and a lot of adjustment.
Also, I have a co-worker of mine who's been married about 3 yrs and has 2 little boys, ages 1 and 2. She seems very happy with her husband but she said the 4 years she dated her husband weren't the greatest. He had a crazy ex-fiance who he'd dated for 10 years and he was still hung-up on her. I guess this woman cheated on him and made her husband totally fearful of marriage--he was afraid of getting hurt. This woman caused problems for them. My co-worker said she was 30 and ready to marry and have kids. Her husband (then boyfriend) was dragging his feet, saying that he wasn't sure if he was ready to be a father (and he was 40!!!).Eventually, after many ultimatums they married. My co-worker tells me that now life is wonderful and he's the greatest father but it wasn't easy getting there. She said her husband gave her some major headaches when they dated but marriage and fatherhood had changed him for the better. All his fears went away when he finally committed to their family and let go of the past.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I think that our culture is so hung on perfection. We are so eager to throw in the towel. No one wants 'baggage' or problems. Well, yeah, no one wants problems, but life isn't perfect. We will have them and we're never going to get the perfect situation. It's not going to be a fairytale. IMO, don't disqualify a man if he has issues or things he has to resolve. And don't think a relationship isn't 'worth it' or you should let it go, just because it's not always smooth sailing. The bumpy road will get better. Of course, if it's something reasonable, but only you know what you are (and aren't) willing to tolerate.
Whomever you're interested in now, give it a shot. If it doesn't work out and 'if' Mark should ever come around one day, follow your heart. You never know! I think you have more to gain than lose. If you love him, it's worth trying if he should ever make an effort to get back together with you.
Good luck!
Edited 9/12/2006 1:53 am ET by amerissa
I enjoyed reading your thoughts about this and sharing the stories--they do help. I do try to keep in mind that nothing is perfect for anyone. And, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes it takes some really rough stuff in someone's life in order to make them wake up, change their outlook, or decide what they really want in life.
I cannot honestly say I am "in love" with Mark, but I believed it "could" happen if we stayed together. I cared about him a lot, and I know he cared about me. The custody issue was more than the relationship could take though, but he will have to figure out how to get out of that mess.
In the meantime, a big part of me agrees with Juliara about wanting something to work out with this other guy. I do not know enough about this other guy (Steve) and have not even seen him in the last week, in order to know how much baggage he has. I do know that he doesn't have any kids and pretty sure he does not want any. He's about 52, which is much older than I normally go for. He does not look that old though and is a great looking guy. My Dad knew him and his Dad. My Dad is gone, so I can't ask him about this guy, but somehow, I think he would approve if we got together. I think Steve is a bit on the shy side, but he is a farmer and in the middle of harvest time now.
I am trying really hard to not rule out anyone at this point. I admit that I am still torn about Mark and how things ended, and the trust issue would not be there if he came back and wanted to start over. MANY things would have to be different in order for it to work. So, a part of me believes what you are saying about it being possible that bad situations can have a good outcome and another part of me wants to start over with someone who has no kids (at least not at home) and no other life issues that would make a relationship so hard. It's a crapshoot either way because no one's life is without problems. It's deciding what you can live with and what you cannot that is hard.
Good post Mitsy!
Like yourself it is very important to me that my family (mainly) and certain close friends (not all) like my significant other. My last two LTRs, one being my son's father was not well liked at all. I didn't see it nor did I really want to. I remember visiting my uncle who was dying from cancer, and when I came up to his bedside the only words he could say was "he's not good for you; you can do better!" I was floored. Of course, besides the birth of my beautiful son, I wish I would have listened. My last relationship (almost 2 yrs ago) ended and the comments made by my family were "Thank God; good riddance!" Heck, I didn't even know that they didn't like him. They saw some things but didn't mention or say anything; I assume cause I didn't take heed to the advice with my son's father. As such, I told them any future guy I bring around, please advise me immediately. Of course, I'll weigh the comments and make my decision but my ideal situation would be that he is liked by all my family and friends.
Another thing to point out (which I learned from my sister) is to keep your relationship issues between you and your partner. She has been dating her guy for 6 years and we all like him very much. I know as women we get with out friends and discuss all the discreet details of our problems within our relationship which of course can make your friends look at your mate in a different light -- usually not a favorable one! Then when you rekindle or stay in a relationship; those same friends think you are crazy or desperate cause he is treating you badly (of course, based upon former conversations by you). Not saying your friends may be right/wrong; but there will be issues in a relationship and it's easier to deal with them without all the extra advice from outside sources. Myself, I've learned to come to the Boards or seek counseling. Even then, there are a select few on these boards whose advice I admire.
I'm not sure what you told your friends in regards to the relationship ending w/Mark but I do know that some relationships can rekindle and begin again. If you told your friends he hurt you badly well expect some comments if you get back together. The real issue is whether Mark comes back and steps up to the plate correctly. In the meantime, I would continue seeing this new guy (keep your friends out of your relationship - smile) and just see where it goes. You know I don't even discuss my dating anymore w/friends. I got tired of saying I'm talking to... or I've met this guy... only to say at the end of the week, what guy?? LOL No I don't believe a good and stable relationship never breaks up just like I don't believe that if you follow all these set rules that you will end up in a good and stable relationship. The only thing that is good and stable should be your self-esteem and not allowing anyone (mate, friends or family) to diminish that.
Enjoy the dating phase w/this new guy and although you would love a good romance, just give it time to make sure he is the type of guy worthy of such a good romance w/you. Yes, keep your options open and remember you are the prize! Good Luck!!
Thank you for your advice. To clarify, I have not had a date with this new guy yet. He has my phone number. I see him at a local restaurant on a semi-regular basis, but I do not know a lot about him yet. So, until he calls or IF he calls, he is only an acquaintance at this point. Not really even a friend yet. So, it's premature to count on a date, but it would be nice if it happens.
I also know soOOOO well what you are saying about talking to friends about issues with your guy. I remember my long-time guy used to make me so angry (same one my friends and family did not like). Later, when we had patched things up, it was just like you said, they would wonder why I took him back or why I forgave whatever it was that he did. Then I would wish that I had not spilled anything about whatever our disagreement was over. You end up suffering in silence though if you don't tell someone what is going on. I guess it is important to be selective about who you tell things to IF you really believe something is just a phase or temporary set-back in a relationship but ultimately know you'll stay with the guy.
And sometimes it takes many talks with others to realize someone is simply not right for us. Sometimes it takes a stranger to tell us something that others have tried to tell us but would not hear the first time. I know from experience about that one, so do not beat yourself up about what your Grandfather told you but you were not able to really see until later. We have to do things on our own timetable. It was the words of a stranger basically who caused me to break up with my long-time ex the first time and although we wound up back together after that, it was much easier the second and final time that I ended things with him. My Dad was terminally ill and I had to muster the courage to kick my ex to the curb because he did not know how to be supportive of me during my family's time of crisis. It was a time of horrendous change for me and my family, but I have never regretted my decision to finally end things with him. I only wished I could have had the courage to do so much earlier. Would have saved myself a lot of heartache and grief.