Issues right of the bat
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| Mon, 09-11-2006 - 2:30pm |
The guy I met OLD 4 weeks ago and went camping with a while back seems v interested.
We spent last weekend together cooking, walking around town, watching a movie either at his place or mine. We havent had sex yet but were quite intimate and shared a bed two nights.
He is already fixing stuff in my apart. , does the dishes, acts very much like a boyfriend. I like him a lot obviously thats why I m spending so much time with him.
He met my friends also and is now part of the group.
He was in a 10 year relationship that ended 4 yrs ago and after that he s only been dating casually. Then moved to my city a year ago and never dated anyone since. He is v. good looking and presentable and has lots of women around him at work. Last night over dinner we had an open conversation and he said: he intentionally did not want to have a serious relationship because he is afraid of being hurt again.(not talking about us just in general why he was single) He said he wishes he can change this and try again to be in a relationship and that he envies little kids because when they fail they keep trying while adults become obsessed with the fear of failing and never dare to try.
He spent the night at my place. This morning he got ready for work but instead sat next to me and told me : I dont want to go I want to spend the day with you...
He is staying in my city about 8 months ( might extend them if he likes it here to 18 months)
I m not sure at this point I should discuss anything with him but I think 2 months down the road I should bring up what each of us want from our relation.
Do you see a big red flag or something that can be changed?
I m leaning towards "red flag " but will ignore it for a month or 2 and discuss it once we know each other better.

Sitting on the side lines here, if I am reading your post correctly, he is saying that he did not want a serious relationship and then he spends the night with you? I think it is important in what you are wanting here. If you are wanting a serious relationship (and it seems the majority of people on this board do), then I think you are setting yourself up for heartache if you think you can let this ride for a couple months.
If you care for this guy, and have slept with him, then you should be able to discuss the issue of a serious relationship or not. While it does sound nice that he did not want to leave in the morning, that is no guarantee that he intends on your relationship being long-term. I just hate seeing anyone hurt if a discussion beforehand could have prevented it.
I agree with you. But I am also worried that if I asked him now (being still in the peak of attraction to each other) he will lie about his willingness to be in a serious relationship (maybe not lie but will be more optimistic as to how he feels). If we dont talk about it now, I will have to keep my guards up and try to keep seeing other people.
It is really amazing how we both felt when we first met! The chemistry between us was so strong and we had a real connection. It would be a pitty to let such an opportunity pass especially that we both have been single and uninterested for over 2 yrs!!! so I dont really know why he would not want to try being with someone else but will respect his choice if this is what he wants.
I realize everyone is different, but for me, sex is not a casual thing. I could not sleep with a guy who was not sure if he wanted a serious relationship with me or not. That is no guarantee that he will not bail later, but at least if you have that understanding, then he will at least know what your expectations are. For me, it would be a surefire way to have more hurt and pain if I questioned if the guy was serious about me but I still slept with him. Once that has happened, I feel a LOT more attachment to the guy.
I think women in general feel a bit more connected to someone once they have had sex. For me that is a definite thing, so I would have to know what his intentions were (or at least hear from his own mouth want he wants or doesn't want) before I let myself get too involved too quickly with him.
It sounds more to me that he's afraid but not completely unwilling. The fact that he also stated that he wants to try to be in one again says a lot.
I would go slowly and see what pans out. He may just be looking for a woman he can trust...
I think it's important to have boundaries.
You state that you guys have spent two nights together, being intimate but no sex. Did he stop, you stop, or you both decided not to go all the way??
He states casually that he is not seeking a serious relationship because he is afraid of getting hurt; but doesn't have a problem staying two nights, being familiar around your apartment and/or making comments such as "I don't want to go, I want to spend the day w/you!"
I'm not saying that in time, he may change his mind or his perspective about a relationship; but in the meantime I feel YOU should adhere to some boundaries. If not, then in 2-3 months when you feel will be the appropriate time to have this discussion, you may be left out in the cold.
IMO, him spending the night and feeling very familiar in your place should not be allowed. I'm sorry, but even casually making comments as I'm fearful, etc. especially since his behavior towards you seems not in line with someone who is fearful of having a relationship makes me think this is a huge RED FLAG. A commitment phobic can act like this for years and never commit. I personally think you should take heed to what he is saying and take a few steps back. Enjoy dating him (cause that is all it is) and cease the sleep overs, etc. Let him miss being around you and he doesn't need to be so familiar about your place, fixing things, etc.
He is there for 8 months or 18 months, and then what? Where does he live? Have you been to his place? 10 year relationship -- no marriage?? I just think there are too many unanswered questions here, and continuing on this path for another 2-3 months; you will end up sleeping with him and him hanging around a lot (meeting your family and friends) and I would hope that you are not thinking that all of a sudden he will change into this man wanting a serious relationship.
Take few steps back and go visit him at his hotel (or wherever) and let him open his world to you. It seems your world is exposed (hanging at your place, camping w/your friends) and he is a visiting stranger in town for a few months enjoying a casual fling. If that works for you, cool!
Yes, I see a RED FLAG and if there is something that needs to change -- YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM!!!! Get your emotions in check!
Based solely on my experience, and those of my girlfriends: I'd say this is a *huge* red flag... Happened to me and it was very painful: six months down the road (after he had become an integral part of my life and had met and even befriended my friends), he not only starts acting like somebody in a casual sex relationship, but also told me: "I had told you that I am not looking for a relationship" That *hurt*. So, I'd say, if you can, date him and see what happens (I wouldn't let him into my world though). I personally would break it off, but it is just me.
The fact that you have to look for sings that he might want to get serious with you, indicates that he is not giving you other assurance. Believe me, I have been there: "Oh, he helped my friends move, therefore he really wants to be with me in the long run", or "Oh, he is talking about going to Europe together next summer, so he is really gonna stick around"... no, these things are what they are: in my case, this man was a very social, friendly person, and helpful at that, he also loves traveling and thinks I am a good companion, that's all ther is to it... And seriously, I have also had the comment: "I don't want to leave, I just want to spend the whole work week with you..." or the mushy ecards he would sent: "Thank you for last night, I have never felt that peaceful for... for a very long time, my whole life in fact!"(why not, he loved my company, so did I, but this doesn't mean much) Please be careful: it is one hting to say: "I want to try see if we can build a relationship, but you have to understand that past hurt...yadda-yadda yadda...." -- that would indicate to me that he is cautious but emotionally ready; what he told you however (I am not saying he had some ulterior motives) simply means (to me): I am not ready for this, yet I enjoy your company. PLease be very careful with him.
Good luck!
Wow that was really an impressive analysis of this relationship!
I agree with most of what you said. I think he is confused to say the least and what I need least in my life right now is a confused person. Last long term BF I had did not know what he wanted from our relationship after two and 1/2 yrs together and after picking names for our future kids!!
I will not be seeing him this week kuz momzilla is over so no sleepovers until Sat at least :~)
He is from Switzerland and there it is more common to have common law partners and never get married. Also he and his ex girlfriend were doing their PhD's when they broke up so maybe being busy with studies did not leave them time for wedding planning...
I ve been to his apartment here it is v. cozy and he is a very sensitive guy. He cooked dinner and opened a bottle of very expensive French wine, told me stories of his parents and childhood and showed me pics, played the guitar and sang for me... it looked like a perfect date then but I have been around this type of men and I wont fool myself. I know he will never change. At least not for me (I know my luck)
He just emailed me today a song that he wrote after we met to say thank you for spending the !! and it starts with Lets be lovers!
I think he is a hopeless romantic who suffers commitment phobia
*giving tstephnic a standing ovation*
WOW!! That was an excellent post! You hit the nail right on the head in everything you stated!! I want you to be my therapist! :)
Enjoy the ride but keep your perspective! Isn't it amazing how we attract the same type of guy (commitment phobic) but dressed up differently??
I'm reiterating, NO sleep-overs (yes, even on Saturday) EVER!! Juliara, flip the switch and make it all about you! Obviously there is an attraction, so enjoy the dates, flirt, light kisses and go home! Make that man (or any man for that matter) WANT YOU! Allow him to face his so-called fears! The power is in your hands, don't throw it away! Even if he NEVER wants to commit to you, you haven't lost your integrity or morals during the process.
Appreciate the kind words from you and Amerissa. Good Luck!!