Fat or Skinny...the issue.
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| Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:50pm |
Okay, I want honest opinions. I am a size 10 pants...I'm 5'4 and weigh about 155lbs. I'm not fat but I've been told I weigh more than I actually look. A size 10 isn't bad in my opinion. I used to be a size 6 for about 2 yrs...this was about 3 yrs ago. I starved myself and excercised like mad to get there. It was really, really hard to maintain. My hair fell out, I was always tired, fatigued, irritable and I didn't feel that healthy, but hey, I was a size 6. Isn't that what we women desire to be? THIN? Well, I was what they'd consider skinny I guess. I got lazy and quit trying as hard. So now I'm a size 10 and actually feel healthier. My hair doesn't fall out and feel strong. The problem is this...I think my weight is a big issue for men. I don't think I'm fat but I can tell that men like super thin women. When I was starving myself and a size 6, I had men hit on me all the time. I was called for 2nd dates. Now that I'm 25 lbs heavier, I can tell that men don't give me the time of day they used to. This makes me feel bad.
My mother is a petite size 4. She's about 5'3". She's 55 yrs old but she looks 46 or 47 yrs old. We go to stores and me and my mother can be wearing the exact sort of outfit (jeans, summer top) but I notice that men look at her more than they look at me. Why is that? Because she's so much more thinner than I am? Why is small, thin and petite more appealing? It's soooo frustrating. I'm not fat, I figure that body-wise I must look like Beyonce or something...you know, thick legs, hips, average bust....but I'm not flabby or obese. I'm solid. But I'm no Halle Berry--I don't fit into size 2 clothes.
It pisses me off that we as women have to starve ourselves and reach this ideal because if we don't men don't give us the time of day! They look at your profile and skip you. Or they write you an e-mail and if they meet you, you're too 'big' for their taste. Weight is such a huge factor for men...even when you're not fat. They want something so lean and thin. It makes me angry. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I know I have to seriously lose weight now if I want some results on this online dating thing. That means I need to lose at least 30 lbs and get down to a fricken size 4 or 6 just to be able to be in the running. And yeah, some of you can say "Stay how you are. Someone will like you that way", but it's very few men. I could wait around months and months and I'm tired of being alone. If I don't do this now, another year can go by and I'll be alone and for what? All because I don't want to lose weight? It totally sucks.
Do any of you feel the same way?

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No, I don't, and I am WAY more than a size 10 ;-)!
I figure I can be upset and angry about it, or I can accept the reality of what is and just deal with it. It causes me a lot less stress to do the latter!
Yes, my pool of potential guys is smaller, but me being upset about that isn't going to change society and what society considers beautiful.
I had a real breakthrough about 6 years ago in my own body image...I was at the Louvre (I think--or it may have been the National Gallery in London) looking at these amazingly gorgeous nudes by Rubens and I was like, "oh my gosh, those women look like ME! They have stomachs and thighs and butts and they are gorgeous!". It was a real epiphany. That may not be the standard of beauty in our time, but it IS beautiful. And there are men out there who prefer women with some meat on their bones.
If you're ok with your body, don't lose weight just to attract the men who are only interested in thinner women. If you want to lose weight for YOU, great...but don't do it for dating reasons. I know plenty of women who are in great shape and who STILL have trouble meeting good guys. So it's not a panacea by any means.
Sheri
If you are feeling fatigued and lose your hair at a size 6, don't bother losing weight. Your natural weight is probably where you are at right now.
I'm also way bigger than a 10 and I found someone.
Your health is not worth meeting a man. If all they are looking at is your weight then these guys aren't worth it.
There was a time when I was in great shape and thin and I wasn't dating AT ALL!! Attitude is everything.
Take care,
Claribeth
Are you sure it is your weight that is the problem? People in general are attracted to others with a positive attitude and confidence. Perhaps your own self-perception is being communicated to people.
If you do decide to try to lose weight, I would suggest a sensible approach to eating combined with a strength training program and *some* cardio. If your hair was falling out at 5'4" and 130 lbs, it was likely due to a deficiency. I would guess that you were eating almost no fat in your diet and the body requires at least 30-40 grams of fat per day to simply function. Also starving yourself when you are young can lead to osteo illnesses and at a fairly young age. It is not the way to go.
If you follow a healthy diet and exercise 3 times a week and give yourself a year to lose the 30 pounds gradually your chances of keeping the weight off and feeling more energetic and lively are higher. It is definitely a good decision for your own health (we all know as we get older we will gain some weight anyway so being on the thin side now will help you when in your 50's) and you will also get more men interested. I think we associate thin with graceful and this is is why many people (men and women) prefer slim body types in women... Good luck in your diet. I can tell from your post that you not only want to loose the weight for dating purposes but also becase you feel more comfortable when you weigh less... so I think you should go ahead and do it. just follow a healthy reasonable diet.
Sometimes I feel the same way. I am 5'8" & about a size 14 on an average day ... but vary to 16 at times. I recently lost 48# (well, over the past year) & went from a size 22 to 14.
A
Hunny,
I understand exactly how you feel. I am 5'3" and i wear maybe a size 2 on a bad day and the last time i weighed myself i was 110lbs but i still worry that i am too fat for guys. I worry that no guy will ever find me attractive because i am not super super thin and i don't have perfect hair, and i look like crap without my makeup on. I have thought about getting some plastic surgery in order to make myself look better even though i know that i don't need it. People tell me i am beautiful all the time but for whatever reason i just can't see it when i look in the mirror.
We do live in a very superficial world and i will admitt hat i am just as superficial as the next guy. I do like tall men who are in shape that dress well and have good hair. But at the same time i can admit that i have been attracted to men who don't fit this description.
But to look on the bright side, i know a lot of girls who are less then perfect who have found some excellent guys. We have to realize that no one out there is perfect. Even the girls who looks like she has the perfect body probably has a secret hidding under her clothing or the guy with the perfect chest has one little flaw somewhere on him.
If you feel that you want to loose weight for yourself then go for it! But don't do it to an extreme because it is not worth your health and well being.
Well, I AM a size 6 (a healthy one = I have a smaller frame but always a great metabolism - I have plenty of energy, not losing my hair, I eat healthy but allow indulgences now and then and I am in training for a half marathon so I am in pretty good shape) but I have horrible, dismal dating results too.
Oh please tell me you don't honestly believe all of what you have posted??? Who the heck cares about what a certain group of men thinks about your weight? Do you want to lose all the weight only to meet that one superficial man of your dreams only to find that your life will be filled with constant pressures to be thin for him?? Do you not realize a man like that will leave you in a heartbeat because you gained a pound? Holy moses I sure don't want that kind of pressure in my life every single day. I want to wait till I find the perfect gentleman who will love me for all of me including every single little or big curve on my body. A man who will celebrate me and appreciate what I can bring to a relationship. My beautiful man friend who I adore is a big man and we are having a hard time getting it together because of so many issues he has in regards to how he feels about himself. He doesn't understand what I see in him. Let me tell you everyone he has the most amazing smile and the biggest baddest brown eyes I have ever seen. My heart flips and my stomach dances everytime he walks around the corner here at work. I am so attracted to him because of so many reasons. His weight is only a concern because of his health. I don't want him thin per se I want him healthy. (Sure he will have to be thinner to attain that healthy thingee)
This is a great post (which is the reason I unearth myself to respond) and it is one I am passionate about. I am 47 years old and never married. Alone? No just single. I have never settled for less than what I deserve and I don't intend to do it now. I will NOT be what other people want me to be. I will only be me. If that "me" disqualifies myself from 99% of the men in the world so be it. They don't deserve me then. Is there someone out there for me?? Not sure at this point but I don't "need" to be with anyone I "want" to be loved.
Amerissa you sound like a desperate woman. Desperate women will marry whomever comes along and ends up with issues that are dangerous to your health. That means losing so much weight your hair falls out...or marrying a man who is abusive and dangerous. I don't know your age but you need to reset your priorities here. The most important thing here isn't that you find a man but that you find peace within yourself. I happen to love my hair so losing so much weight results in losing it is just insane. Stop being one of "those" women and become a woman you can be proud of.
Good luck. Maybe counseling will help you.
F
Small Peanut, I'm not jealous of my mom at all...but there is no denying the fact that more men are indeed attracted to thinner women. I've been thin, I've been heavy and believe me, you DO get treated differently. You do get more attention and you do have more responses. It's not a matter of having low self-esteem. It makes me angry that men are like this...just like any discrimination anyone else may feel...someone who has kids or someone who feels that younger women get more dates...we are discriminated against. It's unfortunate but it is a fact. People will say "Oh, there are men who like thicker women". There may be, but I truly believe it's a small number...very small...and usually it's men who are thick themselves.
I'm 36 years-old, I'm not planning to be a size 2 but it is frustrating that you'd THINK that the older you get, men could overlook the weight issue and be more mature about it but most of them aren't. You can be 30, 40, 50 or 60 years old and few men say they really prefer a thick woman over a thin one..and I'm not even heavy. I have a lot of male cousins, I work with a lot of men, I have brothers...all of them have said at some point or another than the biggest turn-off for them is a fat woman. Not that she has a bad personality, a bad attitude, but that she's fat...isn't that sad? And before anyone says I have this 'bad' self-image, you're wrong...it's not my self-image...it's the anger that men are so damn picky when it comes to our looks. These fat old farts looking for thin, young girls and I'm thinking they don't even look perfect themselves! Look at the magazines, look at the news, look at t.v....all thin women. It is discrimination all around us. It sucks. Men can be a little stocky and it's okay but a woman who has 15 or 20lbs extra is looked upon as less appealing. It's not right.
So yeah, I'll be dieting namely because I should go back down to a size 8 for my health but the biggest reason is that I know if I really want to broaden my 'dating pool' I have to be thinner. Sad to say but it's true. It's like getting a job...if you really want it, you have to have the credentials and if that means being thinner, then so be it. But it does make me angry. When are we as a society going to put more importance on the inside instead of the exterior? That will be the day!
Edited 9/18/2006 4:04 pm ET by amerissa
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