cyber sex
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| Sun, 09-24-2006 - 12:32am |
Hi all.
Please be easy on me since I'm totally new to this.
I've been reading past posts and I've learnt a lot on this board, but I really haven't come across somebody with a similar dilemma as mine. I hope you can follow along because it's kinda confusing!
I've been IM'ing with someone I *met* on CL. The first 2 days were fascinating (we were IM'ing each other for about 3 hours a day).
On the 3rd day, we started talking about our past sex lives (I know, red flag right there). He said he found it quite "refreshing" discussing it. Before we began discussing our sex lives, he wrote that he was beginning to feel interest for me. At the end of that conversation for that night, I told him...sort of...that I was interested in him as well (I know, another red flag).
So, on the 4th and 5th conversation, we would talk about general stuff, then, after a while, like after the 2nd hour, he would ask if I wanted to talk dirty to him. I was slightly miffed on the 4th conversation. He asked me if I knew that "he liked , right?" I didn't participate in it.
On the 5th conversation, I asked him if he realized we were having cyber sex and he replied, "Uh huh." I told him I didn't feel right in doing that since we haven't even seen each other yet - I hadn't even heard his voice! So, he left a voice message on my cell phone that night.
Yeah, that's great and all, but what's bothering me is that at some point during our 5th conversation when I started up about the cyber sex and didn't want to participate in it, he wrote down "I wanted a little dirty talk ." And we had just previously discussed about whether he was a gentleman towards women and whether or not he respected their feelings towards having sex!
I don't know if leaving that voice message was to indicate his liking for me or to shut me up. I see another red flag, but I don't know. He's told me that if I didn't want to do it then, to let him know. After our 4th conversation, he had emailed me apologizing for asking me to participate because he was just feeling lonely.
Is this guy a pervert or what? Maybe he's a sexaholic? Is this even normal?
We're supposed to move from IM'ing to talking on the phone soon (he's with a friend this weekend). He said on the voice message that "we'll talk sometime this week or next weekend."
Opinions? Advice? Please help.

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All this is doing is laying the foundation of what the "relationship" will be in real life (if it ever gets there). And that is that you'll be having sex on the first date (if there is one). Personally, a guy that I'll meet in real life does not bring up sex at all until we get to know each other or I won't meet him. I'm so done with all the horn dogs just out for sex on OLD. And since you "met" on CL - this is par for the course on that website for sure.
You keep mentioning red flags but don't say whether you're liking this or not. Since you keep responding and IMing, he's thinking you do, too. So if you don't like it, why keep doing it?
Unless you're looking for a casual sex hookup, I'd stop talking to this guy and move on.
This is part of why I don't IM with people I haven't met yet. My experience is that men who are in IM'ing either want cyber sex or are not really interested in meeting, just chatting with a harem of women. It sounds like this guy fits both categories.
Sheri
I know I see red flags, but it's just that he *sounds* and looks like such a nice guy. He even told me that he was a nice guy and we had a discussion about how "nice guys always finish last."
I enjoy when we discuss about anything, but when he starts to turn the conversation to sex, I get *prudish*. Am I wrong in acting this way?
I'm hoping our conversations will lead to face to face contact soon and I just hope he knows that I'm not gonna be sleeping with him on the first date.
Please offer me some more help and advice on this, ladies! How do I handle this?
Hi NWW.
We posted at almost the same time that I didn't see your response until now.
Reading my response to shesellssanctuary's reply, would you still say the same?
Time will tell if he's really a nice guy or not. Anyone can tell you they're a nice guy but are they? Schedule a face to face as soon as possible. That's the only way to know for sure. But even then, being around a person in real life for some time will give you a good indication of what kind of person they are. It's the same as the friends you have - aren't they around you because you know what kind of people they are? That's how you find out about men on OLD also. Be around them, talk about stuff other than sex to see if you're even on the same page, etc.
You never answered - are you up for just sex or do you want more?
Ok...maybe it's just me, but "nice" and "engages in cyber sex with strangers" are not compatible. For that reason, unless you just want casual sex, it's time to cut off contact with this guy and move on.
And as the other poster said, anyone can tell you whatever they want to online!
FWIW, him saying that about nice guys shows (IMO) that he has no concept of what "nice" really is. Men who are truly nice don't finish last and they don't think that either--they know virtue really is rewarded. Him having that attitude is yet another of the many red flags here.
Sheri
Nope, I'd have to say step away from this one. Back away slowly. The man is a sex addict. I dated one, even moved in with him years ago. He and I met online while I was moving to his state, so we couldn't meet IRL for about 3 months. He tried to cyber sex with me on the IM, but I was such a bone head, I had no idea what he was doing. So I definitely came off as a prude, I'm sure. And yes, he said he was a good guy and he even was a geek, so I guess I believed him based on his looks.
When we met IRL and dated, he continued to cyber. I had no clue. I found transcripts of his chats when we moved in together. Meanwhile, he was also cheating on me IRL.
So there you have it. Men who can't control themselves with someone they never met aren't about to stop once they have you. It's totally creepy. They don't value a person, just want to make the conquest. Read up on sexual addiction. It's not pretty.
Back away....very far away!
Chick
I think it all depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship then maybe the way this guy has moved so quickly to the sexual side might mean he is just looking for sex. Is he a sexaholic? Doubtful.....probably a normal healthy man who is horny.
Be real careful about taking things too seriously too quickly. Lighten up a bit and go with your gut instinct. You will find that many people dispose of men so easily as soon as they breathe the wrong way. I find this to be a waste because it's so hard to see someone truly in such a short period of time. I also find it a way to protect ones self if you find fault in everyone that comes your way.
Now is a good time to let this man know that you aren't interested in the cyber sex side at this point. (Unless you are interested in it......) There isn't anyting wrong with saying no. If he flies the coop you know he was only in it for the sex. If he remains it's because he is intrigued by you and worth meeting face to face.
BTW: Cyber sex can be a hoot if it's what you want to do. Maybe this man is quite playful and this is how he shows it.
Just be honest with him. You have nothing to lose at this point because the feelings are only beginning to develop. I believe strongly that women need to know ahead of time what is appropriate and what is not before we start OLD. Since you're new to this it is going to be a good lesson on how to prepare yourself for the next time.
Have fun and lighten up a bit. Don't panic at his every move. Be open and honest at all times and only do what you want to do with a man. Don't be influenced by his sweet talking and be a strong woman. GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT!!
F
Hi Cunygrad,
I think fluffybuttdiva said it all.
A girlfriend of mine ;-) was in a very similar OLD situation, When she and he meet face-to-face there was no chemistry whatsoever. So, that solved the issue.
So it might be very fun to go forward be VERY very careful too
W.
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