he keeps on emailing,...but no action?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
he keeps on emailing,...but no action?
16
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 1:32am

okay, i found a guy online who is divorced with a child. as am I. he had on his profile that he wanted to date someone single, seperated, divorced. I contacted him by pointing out something funny in his profile. He read it wrote me back two days later after reading it, continued the joke and then pointed out his mother has the same profession i do. he asked no questions, no open ended anything but it was a bit lengthy. This is my first 3 days on online dating ever so i don't know how this works but i am assuming people don't waste their time writing long emails to be polite. do they?

Then I responded to his email. Asking him some questions, etc, he read it, responded the next day. a lengthy email. the only open ended question was asking how i was enjoying my online dating so far. meanwhile, checked his profile which suddenly said his ideal match is single. he removed divorced or separated.

Now here is my question...the guy waits a day to respond after reading my emails, he writes back long ones, specific to me and my career, etc, but asks no questions. He also hasn't asked to meet, etc. Is he communicating with me to be polite? is this how some people work? since he changed his preferences to single rather then single and divorced i feel like why even bother. even though he is divorced with a child. WWYD? what do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 10:53am
i usually assume nothing until i am asked out. that is the big point of interest for me. It sounds to me like maybe he isnt overly interested since you contacted him and he's not making many other moves. I too would be confused...it's a good sign that he wrote back, but i'd wonder what his intentions are. I would just keep talking to other guys or searching and keep this guy in the back of your mind. Let him ask you out since you contacted him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 11:21am

Keep in mind that OLD seems to attract a lot of guys who just want to be pen pals. It's one of the oddest things about OLD, in my opinion. Most of us who have been doing this for awhile have encountered at least one of these guys. They usually ghost as soon as you suggest meeting, but sometimes they just ignore your request to meet and keep emailing. It's something I learned the hard way: don't waste a lot of time emailing back and forth; it's so not worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 12:30pm
i havent experienced the 'penpal' thing as of yet...but i imagine it would get pretty irritating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 1:31pm
thanks for your responses. its totally irritating. The thing is, i would think someone wouldn't be doing it to be polite. at this point he's written two pretty long emails. I think we may hit it off, but like that one person said let him ask me out since i contacted him. should i not even write back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 1:48pm
i see no harm in writing back. The worst that would happen is that he wouldnt write back. I just wouldnt get too excited about it or think too much about him asking you out. i am writing back and forth with one guy right now who seems intersted but hasnt asked me out. But he has asked for my email address and phone number...said he's going to call me this weekend. Im just continuing to talk to other guys until i find someoen i really like (and who likes me) plus i'm so busy with work and school...i figure there's no point in getting upset about someone i havent met or have only met once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:01pm
yes, i definately don't have all my eggs in his basket. I just started OLD this past weekend and have my second date this evening. i am definately going to be talking to other guys, etc. i just don't know the protocol or what people are like and how they handle things on there, so i don't know if i should even bother emailing with someone who doesn't ask me for my number, etc....how long were you emailing with the guy before he asked for your number?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:06pm
i would say 2 or 3 times...so keep in mind that everyone is different. The guy i went out with on wednesday said he likes to meet with people right away...but i've heard other guys say they like to chat with someone over email a bit before they go out. I dont know what i prefer...i like some chatting back and forth...nothing too soon...but after a few weeks of chatting i'd probably wonder what was up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:33pm
its funny, when i signed on, i figured thats how it works, you chat for a while and then decide to meet, then some of the guys i spoke to immediately wanted to get together, so i figured that was the sign of interest. I will keep you updated
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 3:34pm

Oh my God, I've met A LOT of these wishy-washy guys! They write you, call you but they never really set a meeting. I swear to you, I had this one guy who sounded really interested, he kept calling for about a month, but we never met! The last few days I was like "So, when are your days off? It would be good to put a face with the voice" and he was like "Yeah, sure. I want to take you out for a drink" and NOTHING. He eventually just faded away...

I think a lot of these guys online have girlfriends or wives on the side and they do this online thing as some sort of excitement...they probably initially think they would meet someone, but then chicken out or work things out with their women (or move on to another online victim).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 4:55pm

Sadly, this is a very common experience; one that added to my decision to take a break from OLD. There seem to be quite a few men who are content to e-mail and/or instant message for weeks or months without setting up a meeting. If they are not consistent about contact, even in messaging or e-mailing, I start wondering what their game plan is. The normal assumption is that they will eventually want to meet.

I wasted considerable time with a guy last fall who seemed content to message me daily for weeks. We did talk on the phone a few times, but he did not apparently want to meet. I soon forgot about him. He messaged me (off-line) again about a month ago--after almost a YEAR of no contact! I point blank told him that if someone has a profile online, then they either need to be willing to meet someone or forget it. I told him after not hearing from him again, I didn't give it much more thought. Maybe was not the nicest thing to say and I could have ignored his message. However, I think he needed to know that most women don't want to be pen pals forever. Maybe he will either decide to meet someone next time or take his profile down before playing around & wasting someone's time. Unfortunately, I think there are a number of guys like the one I encountered. It's better if you find out sooner than later if they are serious about meeting or not. Weeks and months e-mailing and messaging is a waste of time unless that is all you want.

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