Update on "exclusivity talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Update on "exclusivity talk"
16
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:17am

The last time I posted, I found someone who after a couple of weeks, asked me if I wanted to see him only since he wanted the same with me. I agreed because I felt very attracted to him and thought he felt the same. I found it odd that he hadn't removed his profile from match so I told him that's what exlusivity means to me and if he's not ready to remove his profile, we should continue to see other people until he is. (I know, red light!) He insisted that he didn't want me to see other people and removed his profile promptly.

Well, a month later, things seem to be going well and he's spending a lot of time with me...on average, we spent about 5 hours on each date and even had a 10 hour date (no sex yet!). He actually escorted me home one night when we were both exhausted and went back home to his place which took him an hour. There was lots of hand holding, arms around the waist and plenty of kissing. He was spending money on me like water. He would call me to check that I got home safe after every date or would have me call him to do the same. So I felt like he must care for me in some way so decided to take the plunge and have sex with him after a month and yeah, he was hinting at it but don't all men? So I spend the night at his place and afterward, as always, he escorts me to the train. We had spoken about meeting up in the middle of the week and I was looking forward to it. He had not given me a definite day on when we would meet up that week and when I told him to call me, I knew it was odd that he told me to call him when I get home. I did and that was the last I heard from him until I saw his profile back up a few days later with a new screen name. I called him immediately and confronted him on it, telling him if he doesn't want to see me anymore to just tell me. He acted innocent of course and said that he was on his way to work but he'd call me later that night. I put my profile back up promptly. He never did call me that night but did send me an email that evening apologizing, telling me that he thinks we should both move on. I wrote back to him and told him in a not so gentle way that I thought he was a two faced back stabber.

I've never had someone do something like this to me and I'm upset because I was fine seeing other people but his desire to make us exclusive (which unbeknowest to me meant me seeing just him but him seeing others) made me decide to go to bed with him. I feel like a fool but also incredibly hurt because I felt like we really connected and I truly did like him even if it was all an act. Do you think that if I had waited longer to have sex, things would have turned out differently? Or was this just a classic player who would have left me either way? How could a man invest so much time and money in you and leave you after one night of sex? It just makes no sense to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:48am

I'm so sorry this happened to you! Yes, it sounds to me as if he really thought that being exclusive was what it was going to take to get you in bed.

If that was true, you really got the raw end of the deal. If it wasn't, I suppose you might benefit from being more upfront about this subject in the future.

I haven't had to deal with this yet, but my goal is to be realistic. I don't need a great committment in order to enjoy sex (I don't think i do!) but It would gross me out to think that a guy could have sex with me one night and someone else the next. Would I take my profile down? I think I'll cross that bridge when i get to it, which at the rate I'm moving will not be any time soon anyway.

It doesn't make sense to me either, but I'm just working under the assumption that the first time I have sex with a guy might very well be the last time I see him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:47am

There was no way you could've predicted what happened to you. Often when things like this happen, women tend to overanalyze and wonder what they could've done differently. Been there, done that!!

The guy is a CAD!!! What I think is incredible is with all the women that will have sex with a guy right away he actually spent all that time for just one night of sex!!!

He's a loser!! NEXT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:57am

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear this and men wonder why were cautious huh?

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:10pm

Everything seemed so right that I'm amazed it crashed and burned so quickly. I admit he had a problem getting it up the first two times we tried due to him having a stomach ache from that night's dinner. I told him it happens to every guy and was understanding and he said that it was definitely not me because I turned him on a lot. I don't know if something like that would prevent most men from seeing the woman again but if he was embarrassed of that, then it's sad because I really was looking forward to seeing him again. We finally had actual intercourse in the morning and it was great as was the foreplay the night before. He was actually too good at the foreplay for me to believe that he hadn't had sex in the amount of time he claimed. I told him he was great so his ego should not have suffered too much.

And what upset me is that he tried to turn it around on me like I seduced him because I took him up on his offer from the previous date to come to his apartment and because I asked him to turn off the TV when the kissing got more heated. He even asked me if I felt pressured by him. I told him no and that I wanted to have sex with him. He did make a lot of sexual suggestions and jokes but was not all grabby before we had sex. When I told him that lately, the guys I'd been dating just weren't treating me right and that's why I hadn't had sex in so long, he told me that he didn't want to let me down now. So that's exactly what he did! All BS as far as I'm concerned. I'm just upset he wasn't upfront by telling me what his reasons were but decided to act like a coward instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:22pm

That’s it, give me this guys address – I’m going to turn this man into Peanut Butter, ha!

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 6:04pm

I thought I posted here before but don't see it . . . in case it pops up I'll keep this one brief but to the same theme I had before . . .

. . . these type of happenings almost make me think we're better off to just go to be right off and then we'll know if we're dealing with a monster or not. Jeesh . . . someone noted with so many women willing to sleep around - why do they need to mess with the girls that are truly looking for something more?

Is it really just the thrill of the chase? The harder we are to get the more pleasure they get from the conquest?

Scares me to think of waiting until "you're in love" to sleep with a guy because if it gets to that point . . . and you think something special is happening - it destroys a piece of us when they pull the great Houdini.

I don't get it - scares the crap out of me though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 7:54pm

I have had this happen to me more times than I can count. And then I have slept with men on the first date who turned into my boyfriends. So it's almost impossible to tell which kind of guy you're dealing with until he shows his colors. Don't beat yourself up. Just be thankful you found out now what kind of guy he is.

It's true that some men are adrenaline junkies. They get their big kick out of the chase. Once that's over, they're done, they lose interest. It's like closing a deal when you're in sales. They spoil it for the rest of the guys. And there are a lot of them, sad to say.

The hard part about his is you just feel so darn FOOLED.

My current BF and I have a running disagreement about this. I went to bed with him right away, against my better judgement, because he lives 2500 miles away and I figured I'd never see him again anyway and I wanted to and I didn't think I had anything to lose. I told him if he had been local I wouldn't have done it. He gets a big kick out of that. His argument is that a lot of women truly aren't as interested in sex as men are (or, more specifically, he has found a lot of them aren't as interested as HE is) so finding that out early is important. We happened to be a good match that way. But he might not have stuck around if I hadn't slept with him initially. So go figure.

Bottom line: you can only follow your instinct. It'll be wrong as often as it's right. When in doubt go for the richness of experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:31pm
maybe he did not like the sex with you. It is an important part of a relationship and if you guys are not compatible or not attracted to each other that way then better stay friends.
This is one of the cases where having sex earlier would have saved you from getting attached to him emotionally.
Dont beat yourself up over it. Just move on with your life to meet other guys.If he did not like it with you someone else will! it is just the way it is: people are different and it is hard to be compatible on all levels. The reason many people are single.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:50pm
What he did was lead her on to get the sex and then ghosted because he got what he wanted. Typical jacka$$ player behavior and no reflection on her or the sex they had. If you really are into someone, how bad could the sex be that you can't work on it? What he did was uncaring, rude and complete bullcrap. If he wasn't into her, he should have been a man and been honest. But since he's a jerk, he had to get somethin' somethin' before he disappeared. Not one bit of this was her fault - even if her teeth rubbed him. And I hope they did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:39pm
This is a side note, completely separate from the OP... but sex can be that bad that you just don't want to deal with it and you ghost. I know plenty of folks that have done that. Doesn't make them bad or good so no judgements, just a reality of life...

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