So discouraged!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
So discouraged!!!!
10
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:49pm

I posted once before about how I have just started online dating and I feel like the reason alot of men do not follow through with me is because I have a child, which as I said before is okay because the man I want to end up with is one who GLADLY accepts my child. However, I am 31 and most of the men who seem okay with it are 45. I am getting discouraged. A ton of men click through on my picture and don't follow through and I am guessing it is because they see divorced with child.

My point is, I am getting discouraged. I can't even get a date online. I am cute too ! :) I would love some feedback on my profile but would rather send it to actual people then post it on here so if you are game to look at it, please give me your email address.

sigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:18pm
I am 45 and most of the men who respond to my profile are mid-late 40's and I have a 2 year old. I have had some late 30's early 40's guys also cool with my having 3 kids so I don't think it is the kid issue per se. Obviously guys are checking you out based on the photo, so it isn't that. Click on my name above and the profile box gives you the option of direct e-mail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 6:08pm
happybabydancer, email me at sswaring@stny.rr.com and I'll check your profile if you'll check mine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:45am
Back in Jan when I was an active newbie OLD (that just looks weird), I initially had a flurry of activity, all one date disappointments, then a big drought, which was actually a relief, since I got overwhelmed and realized I wasn't quite ready. When I reposted my profile on Match in March, I took some time to do searches as a man looking for women about my age. Boy did my profile sound banal, must have been 6-8 other women just like me. Have you tried doing that, yet? I rewrote my profile, still didn't post a photo, but I got much better results. Dates with several decent guys who had potential, and then I totally fell for 3-mo Fling Guy. After we split up, I rewrote my profile again, took some pictures to post and was inundated with e-mails.
Maybe, if you ask a few of the women who post on this board who have had a lot of success (like Rebecca "rich") to let you check out their profiles as examples you can tweak yours to get better results. I'm game, my Match profile will be up for a limited time for your perusal. It's deedee857. I had an annecdote in there, but it was from Xmas vacation so I removed that part in June to freshen it up, but I would put in a new annecdote if I wanted to post it for real.
I also found that Chemistry has a good advice section with tips on writing a great profile.
Hope that is encouraging.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 9:25am
I don't know if it is a painful subject or not, but would you be willing to talk about what happened with the three-month "fling" as you described it? Is there something about the three-month mark for people? The guy I was with the longest (from OLD) lasted 3 1/2 months. After 3 months, do guys take us for granted? I have heard stories in the past about dating relationships that never lasted past 3 months. Anyway, were you really hurt when it ended? Details if you care to share...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:04pm
No problem talking about that relationship now, I laugh about it now. I met 3mo Fling Guy (3mFG) on Match. He responded to my profile based on our common link of being the same age, 45, and having toddler age kids. We e-mailed for about 2 weeks, by the time we met, we were already smitten with one another. When I saw him it was just like the first time I saw my X, total mutual infatuation. 3mFG has been married 2x, his longest prior relationship was w/ his 1st X, that lasted all of 6 years. He's a VERY independant guy, his need for alone time and my desire to be together more than 1x/week brought on the end. I also was a catalyst for change in his life. After hearing what my X was getting w/ our youngest, he changed his custody schedule to get more time w/his sons & to fit with my custody schedule. He became disatisfied w/his work. He got kind of depressed and decided it wasn't a good time for him to be in a relationship. He's the kind of person who prefers to deal w/ that stuff alone. I felt rejected. He took the summer off from dating, then I noticed he was back on Match in Sept. The first relationship post divorce typically doesn't last long. It hurt when it ended, but I am grateful for having had the experience. After a week of moping, I made myself repost my profile on Match and get back into dating.
I think 3 months is some kind of relationship threshold, by then the initial intense infatuation has worn off, both people stop being on their best behavior and you start to see the other person more objectively. I'm sure there are commitment phobic people out there who typically don't hang around after 3 mos, but mostly I think it's the realization that this person isn't "the one".
My current BF & I are at 3-mos now. We'll see if we get past this hurdle. IMO many women try to make things work and ignore the red flags. I am very tolerant, I can make things work with about anyone, but I have learned from my disaster marriage and short dating experience. I am trying to stay in the present and not weigh down my current relationship w/expectations for happily ever after. The guy isn't perfect, but neither am I. Right now we both feel we're better together, the good more than outweighs the bad, what bad I've allowed myself to see. LOL He may be "the one", may be not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 2:51pm

Thank you for expanding on what happened with your 3-month guy. What you said really rings true in a lot of ways for me and probably many women. I, too, wanted to make things work with Mark. I also ignored some of the red flags. I rationalized that even though it was not perfect, that the good outweighed the bad and that he was going through some rough times. I planned to stick it out with him and remain supportive. When he bailed on me, without even a phone call, I was shellshocked for months.

Unfortunately, I do not get over relationships like the average woman. Maybe being a Virgo makes me more over-sensitive when I should just realize that I deserved better and not wallow in self-pity. Easier said than done though. Maybe I really dodged a bullet with Mark since there were several issues that I believed would cause some problems down the road, but I simply did not want to think about that at the time. However, I am finally trying to move on. Hearing stories from others really does help in the healing process. I hope some of mine have helped someone else maybe. We live and learn, but sometimes lessons are hard for us. I know they are for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 2:46am
OK, so I posted my profile on Match for apprx. 24 hours. I got 47 hits on the viewed counter, 2 e-mails & 3 winks. One guy is a total player who ALWAYS sends winks to every new post. 1 guy is out of the age range, too old by 3 years, One I just don't understand what he's thinking, nothing in common. 2 would be possibilities(1 is 3 years younger than me, wow!), and are new since I last was doing Match in July. So how's that for an unscientific experiment? I got apprx 10% of guys who looked acted on it and 4% rate of possible date. Plenty of guys who looked were acceptable to me, just not interested enough to send a wink or e-mail. Hmmm, pretty dismal numbers actually.
So I won't do that again. I do think that a lot of guys don't get past my daughter's age, as most guys in mid 40's - early 50's are done raising kids or close to it and would rather not get involved with someone who has a toddler. Perhaps not, perhaps I have a scary profile. But a couple times I actually asked guys who didn't follow through after viewing my profile and who seemed perfect fits why they weren't interested and that was the answer both times. The right guy has to accept I have kids, and they live with me most of the time. Glad I got lucky with M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 3:18am
:)

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 3:28am

Don't get too discouraged Honey. You have to kiss a LOT of toads ... believe me, Im kissing them!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 1:29am
Sorry you missed my brief reappearance on Match. LOL I only posted it 24 hours so some of the other women could take a look at a profile as an example. I am in a relationship now, but I would have appreciated input had I been actively interested in dating again. Your comment that guys assume you are out of their league may also apply to me, I didn't consider that. I had better results w/o a picture and sending a soso picture when requested. Kept getting the "Wow, usually when someone doesn't look like their picture it's a bad thing, you are way more attractive than that picture!"
I think it is good to look at the other profiles, see who the competition is, see who else I know IRL is on Match, make sure I seem like me, not just another divorcee. Funny, there's a whole thread on one of these message boards about how guys say they won't date chubby women, even when they themselves need to lose a ton, yet, guys also don't try for women they think will turn them down because they perceive the woman to be "out of their league". Sheesh, just can't please them can we?