Exclusivity Talk Unfinished!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Exclusivity Talk Unfinished!
5
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 1:14am

We met online and have been dating for few weeks now. Had sex few times and I kind of like him and want to move things forward. I personally DO NOT consider relationship b4 sleeping with the guy to know if we are compatible. I dont get attached just by having sex... I need more to get emotionally involved so I m not too worried about that.

I told him while we were having breakfast that I would like us to become officially a couple. He wanted to discuss it further but I did not feel like discussing this at breakfast. I just wanted to sort of hint at it... so he left Thu. morning and did not call/email since. I feel it is a sign that he is thinking it over which means he has his doubts/concerns... this makes me discouraged too. Normally we see each other every 2-3 days so I expected him to call sooner since we havent finished our talk! but he did not. I have to say I feel grateful that I met him since in the past 2 yrs I did not meet anyone I felt attracted to! so I want him to know that if he did not think of us as a couple I m fine just being friends (no benefits though) but I dont want to say that too soon. So how long should I wait b4 I call him and suggest we be friends. I m totally fine being friends although I would definitely prefer being in a relationship with him but I cant force him into it. And I dont hold grudges if he does not want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 10:05am
I don't advise calling him to suggest being friends or for any other reason. You already initiated the talk about being "officially a couple," which, after just a few weeks, was probably way too soon. Also, bringing up something like that at breakfast and then saying you didn't want to talk about it sent mixed messages (why not wait until the end of the day or week, when you were both relaxed) and might have caused him to back away. Not only do men generally like to propose becoming officially a couple (just as they generally propose marriage), for you to try to control when you all talk about it might have come across as pushy. You brought it up at breakfast; you should have been prepared to talk about it then. Not a good start to the day or to any relationship. And really, what's there to "talk" about it? Either you decide to date exclusively or you don't. I can see why some men think wanting to talk about each step of a relationship, rather than letting it happen, makes some women look a bit needy. So he might think you're kind of bossy and clingy. To counterract that, I would back off -- don't call, e-mail, or sleep with him, definitely wait a few days to return his call. Finally, I have to ask: if you're fine with sleeping with a guy pretty quickly without feeling the need to "get attached," why were you initiating a discussion about becoming exclusive after a few weeks? Sounds inconsistent to me. He might even think you were just interested in a fling, nothing serious, and was caught off guard when you asked to become an official couple. Just things to think about -- good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 11:36am

Great Advice,

My favorite saying is if you do what you've always done, you will get what you always got! Things are moving way to fast. You guys never got a chance to know each other. It's sad to say, but sex is sex to men, but it's emotions to some women. It sounds like you do care about the fate of this relationship. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a post. I totally empathize with you. I met this guy, had a great chemistry, decided to meet after 2 weeks, had a great first date, but I decided rather than to go to the movies after dinner, go back to his place and make out. I didn't let him date me, and after 3 dates, he ghosted. Give yourself a chance to know a guy. You sound like a woman who enjoys life and enjoys sex, but be cautious with that freedom. It can send the wrong messages. Are you the girl to take home or the girl to call at late hours? What you give out is what you get back, so be sure you are sending the right messages. I also agree with the previous poster that guys like to be the one's to bring up the exclusivity talk. The best thing to do, is give him the impression that you are still dating, or busy so he can understand if you have an importance in his life, he better act on it. A book that I enjoy is Why Men Love Bitches. I am not saying be a bitch, but I am saying understand and respect your worth and what you bring to the table. Fish don't wait for the net, they get caught!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:55pm
Hey I agree with some of what you said.
This guy is interesting and I would like to pursue something serious with him. I m not attached yet but would like to be if he is into me. Also I know I can have plenty of friends with benefits so I m not worried about losing him if that's all he wants.
We have been dating for 8 weeks and I think it is the right time to discuss being exclusive. He is not seeing anyone else and I m not either but we still dont act like a couple when we are among friends. I will have to be a bit distant physically I guess for a while. He is shy and I know he would never bring up this talk himself. The timing was not the best but it happened and now he knows what I want. It is as simple. I know I like him and if he likes me he will have to either be exclusive and committed or just stay friends and either way is fine since I m not invested emotionally at this point.
I will probably miss him the first week or two but thats about it! :~) so I m thinking to wait for few days if I dont hear from him I will phone to say everything is fine and we can be friends again but no hanging out at his place or mine anymore
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 1:06pm
Sounds like you have it all planned out. Now all you need to know is if he has you in his plans the way you have made room for him in yours. Good luck in love!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 2:23pm
Your "plan" sounds fine. It will be interesting to see where this leads. Keep us informed!
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