Salary and OLD??? or any dating???
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| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 11:23am |
Hi all, I just signed into Yahoo and like usual, not a peep or response to my profile.
I don't have pictures posted, which I'm sure is a big issue for many. I just get shy about doing that, but I say I'm happy to email a picture or two. Besides lack of pictures, I think one of my big problems might be the salary catagory. Here's the deal. I'm highly educated and make a pretty big salary for my area here in the Midwest. I've dated men who have been intimidated by my education and my salary (don't worry, I don't bring it up, they just figure I must do well because of my job title). So in my "what I'm looking for" section, I haven't limited it to much (I don't get concerned about body type, hair or eye color, baldness, race...those are things we can figure out later if we are a match).
However, I have said I want a certain salary and a certain level of education (I just say college or greater, but salary might be high). Now I think I might be coming off as a gold digger. I didn't fill in my salary, just "tell you later". I'm definitely not a gold digger, but I don't want someone who is intimidated by me. Heck, I don't make that much, but it is always more than they do.
How should I deal? I swear my education and salary killed my last relationship (well, it contributed to it's death :-) He kept asking me why someone like me would date him. I kept saying because I liked him...he floated off, telling me I could do better. Isn't that up to me to decide? I lived in poverty for so long while going to school. All I want is someone to celebrate my middle-class status with me and not worry about it if I earn more than they do. Do these males exist?
ugh, confused. Let me have it. Am I coming off as obnoxious?
Chick

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Nope. I dont think its obnoxious at all. We have had this discussion b4, & have our own opinions, of course.
I think your number one problem is your lack of picture. No doubt. I don't want to have anything to do with a guy who can't get ahold of a digital camera, and take a picture of himself, or find a friend to do it for him. Every dating site mentions stats about profiles with no picture. Put a picture up and see what happens! Go to Walmart and have a portrait done for 10$. Whatever it takes. I don't even look at profiles with no picture, and I'm no great beauty myself.
As for the salary issue, I find it a little tacky to discuss salary. That is how I was raised, and my ex was raised also. I don't put that on my profile, but I do say that I'm a librarian, so no one is gonna think I'm rich! But the reality is that in my community to have a salary and benefits plus a home and a retirement fund is to be doing pretty well. I don't want to advertise those other assets either.
I can make a fair guess based on what a person does and how they live, but even that can be misleading. A doctor may have huge student loans to pay off, and lawyer might have bought a life style on credit.
I insist my dates have a college education. If a guy has chosen a career path that doesn't take advantage of that, he might have a great reason for it. I have a friend who has a business degree and is a fireman. His salary isn't high, but his benefits are good and he loves the work. How about someone who inherited a home and can afford to live simply? He might be very happy at that lower paying job that allows him time to do what he wants to do.
The salary itself isn't a good indicator of a person's character. I don't even look at it.
Water, wait, I agree, and I knew this would be a controversial topic. I don't give a rat's behind about a man's income. I do understand that there are huge circumstances that cause issues. (and I'm the doctor with huge student loans).
What I can't handle is men who think I need to be earning below their salary. I just don't think of myself as better than them if I do earn more. I'm just paying off bills so I might earn more, but I have the debt to clear.
I guess it's the male ego.
Chick
For me if the woman posts her salary or her mate's salary expectations then I pay attention. Even though I make really good money, I am conservative with it plus I have significant financial obligations (former marriage with children).
I do not want to be with a woman who makes more money than me because I do not have the money to go off and travel or other higher income lifestyle things that six figure income invites. I am 53 so women that age bracket tend not to have too many obligations (children grown, etc.) so they are looking to step out. I have a 13 yr old and a 17 yr old so besides the financial commitment I have for them, I have a weekly time commitment with them.
So it's more of a lifestyle matching issue rather than a male ego issue for me.
Mark
I agree that you definitely have to have a picture on your profile. But please do not have a portrait done at Walmart or anywhere else. Every guy that I dated through online dating said they hated those glamour/portrait shots. They were so unrealistic looking. Have someone take some shots of you doing something you love doing - it will show that you are a fun person and someone that a guy would like to get to know better.
And if you don't want to scare away the men because of your job title - you could list something that's closely related so it will keep them guessing :)
Hmmm, thanks Mark. I have to think about what you said. But I have a question. What if the person making the money has more educational debt than you could ever imagine? I don't have a free lifestyle with my salary because I have to pay the piper. So my lifestyle is pretty meager, I would say.
Would that change things in your eyes, or does it not matter, because eventually I'll get to where I can really go spend some bucks and see the world? I still think it might be an ego thing. But I promise, I don't bring it up or rub it in. I just get dumped with "why do you like ME?" stuff.
Sigh....
Chick
All, I agree, I have to get over my fear of posting a picture. I have an ex from long ago that probably still looks for me online. I kind of made it sound to him like I was getting married the last time we talked (I live 4 states away now) just to get him to go away. I guess I have to take the chance and put my mug on the web. I am semi-pretty for an old gal! ;)
I have done that though, as Maryanne suggested, kind of hid my job and title and it's back fired big time. Men are happy with you if you are a teacher or a flight attendant, but being a doc with a big title scares the living crap out of them.
Meanwhile, I'm someone who did all this education because I like the job, and not because I want to make a ton of money. While the money is nice, I still struggle with finances and budgeting. I only wish a male of the species could see me as I am, and not as a threat.
Chick
Rebecca, good thinking! I never thought about that, if you want them to be open to you, you'd better be honest. I'll put in my salary and not hide it. uh duh!!! ;-)
With that, and a picture, I may have some success (may, I'm still over the hill). I'll keep you guys posted!
Chick
Dont consider dating a guy who makes less than you do. They wont stand it and eventually will leave no matter how nice and humble you are!
On the other hand, when it comes to maintaining an actual relationship with someone who does not have similar income, that can be difficult with someone who is insecure about themself or is a gold digger. The last thing I would want any man thinking is that I am interested in how much money he makes more than I am interested in his other characteristics. It is important in the big picture though. I wouldn't want to imagine having a family with a man who couldn't contribute greatly in supporting us despite what I make. Dating to find the right person is so complicated!
Best of luck to you.
Devorah
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