The A-Sexual Guy
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| Mon, 10-16-2006 - 2:01pm |
OK, here's a new thread for everyone; we have all encountered lazy men who will make no effort in the dating game. I believe I have encountered, at least once if not twice, men who are not gay by any stretch of the imagination but are quite content to lead a somewhat "hermit" existence with no real significant other in their lives.
The one guy I was after for about 4 years was this way. Same one who finallly told me he did not "need" a woman. A psychic friend of mine was the one who said that he had met very few people who he considered to be "A-sexual", so they are not gay, but they simply do not need the intimate relationships that most ..can I say "normal" people want and crave. Psychic friend is convinced that is what my old guy friend was and is. At one point, quite honestly, it would have been a relief to have found out he was gay, but deep down, I never really believed that. To this date, this guy has not dated hardly at all (I know of one woman he went out with after he and I quit seeing each other and that did not last long either).
I'm afraid I have set my sights on yet another guy of this nature. The guy I gave my phone number to a while back (and acted very interested in me always before). I have reasons to believe now, quite possibly, that he's avoiding me. Not sure on that, but he did not stop today at the restaurant that he and I usually frequent once or twice a week. I saw his truck go by in the parking lot but not pull in, and there was ample parking spaces. I am paranoid in believing that he saw my car and decided to "pass". Could be my imagination for why he did not stop, but that is the way my mind runs. Psychic friend is saying he has some of the same traits as my other guy who simply did not "need a woman". I must say that I "thought" that this new guy was a little more interested than that.
Has anyone else encountered someone you would describe like this? You know for sure that they are not gay, but they act like they are just as happy with no one as they are with someone. Maybe they do not want to risk hurt ever again. I sort of know that feeling, but after so long, loneliness does creep back in.
Stories?

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I try to avoid men like this at all costs because I do believe that they are hiding in thier own cave or shell and are too afraid to risk emotions or time and get hurt, but if you always live your life like that you will never have the relationship you want. Trust your intuition on this one and walk away before you invest more on this man. My last Navy man pursued me like crazy at the beginning but as soon as there were things to discuss, problems that came up and a deployment to get through he wanted to avoid everything and just gave up on US. Men like this are not emotionally available for a healthy relationship. It took me forever to get this ingrained because i was always chasing the unavailable men since it was what I was used to from my Dad. I've finally learned and doing my best to cut things off with guys I end up dating who I think are this way. Im letting you know from experience that no one will be able to change a mind of a man who is like this by nature. The change has to come from within him.
I totally agree that change has to come from within if any of these men ever decide to pursue a relationship. What is so baffling about this latest guy (and really we have not even gone out, so I'm maybe jumping the gun on overanalyzing him) is the fact that he DID act a lot more interested in me. In fact, AFTER I gave him my phone number, I saw him again at this same restaurant and he sat with me and my Mom. My Mom had to leave and he stayed and talked to me for an hour! He again said something about calling me when he was done with his field work - he farms. So, these mixed messages really do mess with my mind and my heart. This guy is 51, so he should be past some of the immature BS that so many younger guys still are involved with.
I guess I am very fed up with men who act like they are interested (in fact, leave no doubt in my mind) and then back peddle once they know you're interested. Once men reach the 40 year mark, they need to get a clue. Either they are interested or they are not. Game playing, which I think this is just another form of, is not for mature men. Mature women deserve better than that. I have nothing invested with this man so far but some false hope for a possible lunch or dinner date. And things could be different than I perceive them right now. I just think it's very odd that these men are not thinking about being alone and collecting social security someday. What is the point if you have no one to share your life with??? :(
I agree with you 100 percent on this. Some guys are just so much in denial that they live their whole lives alone because of not wanting to deal with the difficulties that can arise in relationships (even healthy relationships). They would rather live the simple life but then they will also never know how many rewards a healthy relationship can bring to their lives. It's sad but their loss. I think it's totally my ex Navy man's loss for him not wanting to try to relate to me and talk to me and get closer to me. It really is.
I've had so many instances in which men have come on like gang-busters to begin with but have run for the hills when things became a little challenging or monotanous.
I'm 31 and I believe that if a man doesn't have his act together by his early 30s then he's never going to get his act together unless something clicks from within all of a sudden. You are pretty much who you are going to be by late 20's early 30s. I won't even try to be in a relationship with a man who I believe doesn't have good character or isn't emotionally available ever again. I refuse to put myself through that again.
As far as your situation goes. I would give it some time. Let him show you who he really is. Ask questions, observe his behavior and what he says. If he turns out to be someone you don't really want in your life and you are fully aware of this then leave the situation before you get too emotionally involved.
Tee hee, I think the asexuality may now be blamed on serotonin reuptake inhibitors (Prozac, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil) that so many people take for depression and generalized anxiety disorder.
We are now a nation of zombies!! ugh...
Chick
I too met and am still friends with a guy like that. He's about 14 years older than me and by his own admission will always be a bachelor. He's damn near a hermit too. I don't think he's ever "avoided" me, but while I thought we were moving toward a relationship it took me a quite a while to figure out that he was very relationship-lazy and that I was the one who wanted to make it work...and work it was! I finally gave up and moved on. We still talk occaissionaly but I realize it's not me that he doesn't want, he doesn't really want anyone, if he has to contribute that is.
Try not to take it personally. Some men are just not emotionally equipped to handle any kind of relationship that is healthy.
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