Red Flags
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| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:27pm |
So all you experienced OLD'ers out there... share with me some of your red flag stories. I'm finding it so interesting to see that so many people have felt the same things I am experiencing in this cruel dating world. And as we've established in a previous discussion, I'm a little naive... If I can learn what to look for maybe I can be ready for it next time.
Here's one I figured out on my own, rather reluctantly -- I met/dated a guy IRL that would yell at all the other cars when we were driving somewhere. It was kind of funny at first because he was sarcastic and I thought he meant it jokingly. (Just me rationalizing again.)Anyway, the first time I disappointed him, I got to see a real sarcastic, angry side to him. Didn't stick around to see how deep the anger gets...
What are some red flags in OLD emails that I should be looking for? I totally did not know that if a guy winks but didn't check out your profile first he's probably a serial winker...Learned that one in an old discussion I read today. You guys are great :o)

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Lola, some that I've seen...these may not have been problems for others:
is divorced very recently
doesn't initially admit to all of his divorces...ugh
wants to IM you right away, those guys are usually serial IM'ers
wants you to split the check on the first few dates
wants to bring his children on the first date
sounds condescending in his profile (if you sense this, believe it)
will move across the country for a relationship (he lives in a fantasy world)
is addicted to computer games (fantasy world)
has profiles on numerous sites (I don't know, just seems bad to me, I've had BFs who never took any down and heck, how was I supposed to know where they all were?)
And the kicker, tells you he's married on the first date but is looking for a mistress.
Good luck!
Chick
A few red flags for me:
Chameleon man: waits for you to say what color/food/music/movies/TV you like, then tells you he loves that also.
Resume man: has memorized your profile and runs down the list from top to bottom as you talk so he can choose conversational gambits. Kinda like a job interview.
Says: I'm the boy next door, can I borrow a cup of sugar?
Says: Oh, you're in the church choir? I'll have to get you drunk so I can hear you sing!
Says: The weather is lousy this weekend, want to hang out at the mall?
Gives you a list of all your good qualities, then says: You're hired!
And if he Says he loves NASCAR---Run like hell!
OMG right on !
Thanks for the laughs Watershed ;-))
W\J
1-Someone who can't find who he's looking for and is looking to be inspired by a woman=I will treat you like a goddess and then dump you on your sorry a$$ because I've realized you're just not what I'm looking for...after I have sex with you.
2-Leads a very active lifestyle and needs someone to keep up with him=Everything else comes before you and I will make time for you if you fit into my schedule even though you probably won't.
3-Has very few preferences of what he's looking for=I don't care what you do for a living, what you like to do, who you are, etc. I have no desire for anything beyond a few dates as long as I get some nookie out of it.
I'm sure I could think of a few more but I'm too tired now to do that.
Also, stay away from any men who are looking for a wife, looking for a princess to spoil, looking for a partner in crime, claim to be nice guys, live with their family or roomates and are in their 30's, etc. Those things turn me off instantly.
gee, this stuff is all good! I can recognize most of my past relationships in your post! What does that leave us "perfect" women to deal with?
My ex-husband was the princess one! I was spoiled like I'd never been, that is until we were engaged/married then I became his property...
Here's one for you... What about a guy that seems to have a few really close friends that are girls. He said he's never crossed that "more than friends" line before and that all his life he's had more girl friends than guy friends... Red Flag?!? or what! I'm not the jealous type (never have been) but this is a new one for me
Wait, you just made me think of my most hugest of red flags, but not always something you'll see early on in dating:
a guy who has no guy friends (HUGE, narcissist, self involved)
a guy who has no guy friends, but tons of "not very important" girlfriends, scattered all over the US.
a guy who isn't close to his sibs nor his parents.
I dated a guy like that, and he was up to no good, lack of self esteem, lots of wandering, but yes, in his eyes, he was quite a catch.
They really need to have normal relationships (male friends, families who care) or I stand clear. I need to take off the rose-colored glasses of love/lust and look around if his own family/friends aren't communicating with him.
I think red flags might be different for different people, but for me a guy who does not live on his own (still lives with a parent) automatically gets a write-off from me. A guy who is not gainfully employed would be a no-go. Likewise, I encountered a number of guys who had jobs that were not the norm as far as hours or schedules go. One guy I was really interested in was a bounty hunter (yes, I met him and saw his badge and truck which had the bail company logo on it). He was legit but had NO time to date anyone and was not ready to settle down. Why he ever had a profile online is anyone's guess. Another guy I met was a cross country van driver with a truck fleet. He claimed to have time to date, but then seemed to be "on call". He cancelled on me 3 different times when we were going to try to meet due to work. This last guy also had a job with the railroad which took him out of town 36-48 hours at a stretch. Same one who had the custody battle over his daughter.
So, for me, the red flags consist of:
1. Living with Mom or Dad
2. Not having a job or having a job that makes it near impossible to date anyone
3. Having underage children still at home (might not be a big deal for some people, but I am once again looking for a guy who has no children at home or who live with their Mom).
4. Taking the woman for granted very soon in the relationship. It isn't good at anytime, but a guy who quits romancing you within weeks of meeting you is not likely to measure up to the job of life partner. Someone who makes an effort is very important to me.
5. Drug or alcohol problems. I guess this one should be first on the list, but it does bear mentioning that if the guy is an alcoholic (or closet alcoholic) when you meet him, he is not likely to change later.
6. Last but not least, make SURE they are divorced before getting involved with them. I learned the hard way on this one. I did not think he would go back to the estranged wife under any circumstances. I was WRONG. If they say they are in the end stages of getting a divorce, do NOT start dating them until that is final. On second thought, relationships on the heels of a divorce are not usually the best ones anyway. Proceed cautiously if the divorce is recent.
I'm sure I have more, but that is all I can think of at this moment.
Edited 10/25/2006 3:59 pm ET by mitsy2
I knew my "list" would keep growing if I thought about it. :0
You mentioned about the guy not having a good relationship with his parents or siblings. My last guy (Mark) left home at 15 to live with his grandmother. Has not ever been close to his Mom and his parents divorced when he was young. He did not much like his step Dad and apparently was not very close to his biological Dad either (who lived 2 hours away).
When Mark decided to leave town to go back to the estranged wife from hell (words his own sister used when talking about the situation), it was partly due to his belief that the sister did not want to help take care of his daughter. I know for a fact that that was not true and that there was some really messed up communication between Mark and his sister. He left town in mid-May and it is now almost November. Last time I talked with the sister (several weeks ago), he still has not contacted her. I do not know if she has tried to call him, but the whole scenario sounds very immature and self-centered. Mark's way of dealing with people and situations looked very juvenile. I can see that so plainly now but could not see it when I was with him.
He did not just bail on me when he left town. He bailed on his sister and everyone else who cared about him. He was a coward and selfish and thoughtless in his decisions which affected a number of people besides himself.
So, maybe near the top of the list should be "Immaturity" as far as red flags go.
All of this is great. We could put it together in a book and call it "You really shouldn't be that into him!" ha! ha!
I agree that some people can tolerate somethings and some things you just can't. I really had to do some "soul-searching" with my e-harmony exchanges to refine my Must Haves & Can't Stands Lists. Now I'm using those lists as my "dating standards" in real life too not just to screen out OLD communications.
For the record, I never thought I'd have a problem seeing a guy that has more girl-"friends" than I do, but now I'm totally re-thinking that one... not out of jealousy so much as he gets so much girl's perspective from his friends that I think he knows what I'm thinking before I do! Ha!
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