What Makes him "Too Nice"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
What Makes him "Too Nice"
14
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:34am

I think we've all said it or at least heard a friend say it - He's too nice!

I met a man through online dating last spring. We met two or three times and talked on the phone a few times and then both were busy and it fizzled. He is about the same age as I am, is intelligent and articulate, is reasonably fit, has a solid career, is connected with his children, and doesn't seem to be bitter towards his ex-wife even though he readily admitted that it was her choice to separate. There was no great spark which is likely why we didn't make a great effort to continue to see each other.

I noticed he was on msn a week or so ago and sent him an e-mail to see what he'd been up to over the summer and yesterday we met for lunch after talking on the phone for a while. He is a very nice guy and after I left, I was thinking maybe "too nice". I've read quite often that women don't want the nice guys, they want the bad boys and started wondering if I was falling into that trap. I mean, here is a nice, intelligent guy that seems to have his life on track, who isn't searching frantically for someone but would like to be in a relationship and I was thinking about it. Could it be that he seems to be too sensitive which comes across as not masculine enough? He isn't effeminate in any way, in fact he seems to be a natural in sports.

When making friendships with other women, we would never consider a person to be too nice. So what is it that makes women put a man into the "too nice" category? Are we just using this phrase to mean something else?

Pages

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:22am

I think it's generally either a way of saying there's no physical/sexual chemistry (which is what it sounds like with this guy) or that a guy is too much of a doormat.

Unless you have seen a pattern in your life where you choose men who treat you poorly, I wouldn't say it's a matter of nice guys vs. bad boys. You just don't have chemistry with THIS particular nice guy, that's all.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 12:22pm

I love this topic only because the past year and a half of dating I have ran into this problem myself.


Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 1:43pm

Tough one!

Lately I've been thinking about how dateing is like job hunting. WHen you start a new job you are on your best behavior until you see what the place is like. When you are dating someone new you are on your best behavior also.

Maybe Mr. Too Nice is just polite enough that he seems boring? Maybe a beer or two, or some time spend in a relaxed environment, actually doing something other than dining and talking, or maybe with people he is more comfortable with would help him feel more himself.

I drove to Mr. Write's town yesterday because he seemed hesitant about a meet and I wanted him to feel at home. Could he be too nice? Yes, but I was also very conservative with him, so the same could be said about me. Don't want to offend and step on toes. Next time I'm going to have to let my hair down a bit to help him do the same.

Maybe Mr. Too Nice goes home and wishes he were more interesting but isn't sure he knows how to do that within the constraints of good manners.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 5:44pm
I've run into a few Mr. Nice's recently and and here's what they did to kill my attraction to them...they act smitten with me before they even have an inkling what I'm like and I know they're not just saying how great they think I am...they mean it and I can tell by their nervous energy. I'm all for a guy who tells me how much he likes me but I like him to play it cool and act kind of detached so I can think to myself, yeah right, he's just saying that but it would be great if he actually meant it! And then I wonder late at night, did he actually mean it because I think I kind of feel the same way but I'm going to keep my mouth shut about it for now! It's all about maintaining a sense of mystery I guess and feeling like the guy understands that in order to get to know me, it's going to take some time. At a later time, he can bring on the compliments about me as a person. But in the beginning, I think the compliments should be about things that are more superficial like liking my hair, my dress or my taste in music, movies, whatever. And I like a bit of joking around and teasing so I know he can challenge me in a playful way and isn't afraid to not say the right thing. If a guy acts too PC and is acting too stiff or doesn't say anything that intrigues or even mildly surprises me, I label him a nice guy. And if he's afraid to grab me and hug me or kiss me if the chemistry is right, then I'll label him a nice guy too. To me, men are supposed to push the envelope and keep things exciting, tense and mysterious and that's exactly what nice guys don't do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:02pm

*I* am SO thrilled I think i finally turned that BAD BOY corner!


My past relationships? BAD news. B/w addiction or abusiveness, I am not sure WHAT i was thinking!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:40pm
"He is constantly complimentary, he seems SO proud & happy to introduce me to his friends, he is affectionate, he always makes sure I am comfortable, or ok with everything, he wants to make sure I am fed (lol) or sees if I need anything. He is so nice to waiters, taxi cab drivers, etc."
My BF "M" is like that, but I wouldn't say he's "too nice". I now expect that as a bare minimum, after the misery of 28 years w/my abusive, acoholic X- being a decent guy is key to my sticking around. I also worried I'd be drawn to another bad boy, that it'd feel normal. But I think I've grown a lot as an individual through this whole divorce process, so maybe I'm ready to appreciate "nice".
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:20pm
The guy I went on a couple of dates with that I met online could definately be labeled as mr nice guy and probably even "too nice", he is effeminate definately but I think I really do like this guy. I mean it's hard to tell after only 2 dates and I'm not head over. He already is complimenting me a whole bunch and opening up big time to me which is a little bit scary after 2 dates and I think if he continues to over-do it I may have to tell him to tone it down just a little bit. He does the same things for me that this man does for you rlch. He's always asking how I am, making sure I'm ok, he's super close to his family and super caring. I really like this side of him. I'm hoping though that he does have a spine too though and knows when to create boundaries and not to be stepped on. But I guess with guys who are very sensitive you kind of have to take the good with the bad on this. I'm attracted to him and I feel a connection so I'm hoping it continues but I definately want to see how he really is and get to know him as a person more first. He may not be for other women because he's "too nice" but I tend to like the men who are a little more on the sensitive side just because I know I can be sensitive and would like a man to be able to understand that side of me. He seems like the type to accept my boundaries and not push the envelope because he told me that he wanted me to feel comfortable with the pace of things and didn't want to be smothering at the beginning. I don't get that feeling that he's the needy type which is good but I'm hoping that he will be able to set boundaries for himself too if I overstep those boundaries. We'll see. I want to give it a shot to see where it goes because I do feel some attraction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:40pm

Yeah, i bet if i was in a "different place", i may think Carlos is too nice as well.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:45pm

Oh sheesh! Yeah, that Shakespear woudl have made me RUN!


As for Carlos in this situation, same thing.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:01am
Well, I hope this man is that way in the bedroom dept too ;-) We haven't gotten to the physcial stuff yet. In fact he hasn't kissed me yet. I'm hoping he does soon. He's held my hand and put his arm around me a couple of times but I guess it's only been 2 dates so I'm hoping by the next couple of dates he'll go in for the kiss. I kind of like taking it slow anyway. I agree with you, most of the time you can't be "too nice" there really is no such thing. Not having a backbone and allowing someone to step on you is a self esteem thing but being too nice, I don't know, I would rather have an effeminate man who can appreciate colors, art, clothing (like this guy does too) than have a manly man who is too sarcastic and makes fun of me liking colors and art. I agree with you that I might be more in a place of my life that I do want someone to be more sensitive than not because I was so used to being with guys who were closed off emotionally and would shut me out in a lot of ways that I ended up feeling insignificant and unloved and ended up crying a lot so definately the men who can't show emotion and who are "too independent" and closed off are not the type for me.

Pages