Sheri help me please
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| Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:30pm |
You know the co-worker that I have been trying to distance myself with? Everyday I show up for work I am miserable. He is on the other side of the room (actually about 50 yards) and rarely ever see him. I miss him constantly. A little about how I am distancing him. This man has his hands full with his own issues and what I don't want to do is make a big deal about keeping my distance. We make great friends and I am the one that has crossed line over into feelings. I won't guess if he is there or not I can only speak for myself. I don't want to hurt him so I am not calling him, texting him or initiating any communication with him. Or so that is the plan. Me and the guy that shares my cubbie space with me (he and W use to sit together and they are real close and he knows the whole story) like to tease each other and at times he throws W into the mix. We end up cracking up hilariously and it's a whole lot of fun. W doesn't know that I am trying to not communicate with him and I have no intention of telling him. He has effectively pushed me away from him so it won't be any surprise on that front when he realizes that I am just gone. But the going is pure torture. I have done this before and succeeded but this one has me good. Last Tuesday W came over to visit me and proceeded to sit down in the chair in my cubbie to talk. He always stands when he comes over and this time he sat and chatted for his whole break. He smelled so good and I was miserable for a couple of days. He has never been that close to me before.
I broke one of my cardinal rules by involving my heart with someone I work with and now I know why. Every single day I wait with baited breath till he gets here. When he isn't here I worry and I think about him constantly. I need to rid myself of this obsession. I know it has something to do with the fact that it's senseless that we can't be together. We are both available and we do real well together. I haven't met many men like him. PLUS.....he is so amazingly attractive to me and I react every single time I see him. Jeez.....what's a girl to do?????????
Sheri you always have the right answers and I could sure use some of it now. I post here because I know you're around and the others here don't respond to me anyway.
F

Oh, Kiki, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have my own sort of unrequited thing going on with the Musician/Athlete I mentioned in my post a few days ago...unrequited in the sense that he's happy to see me every once in a while, but doesn't want a relationship with me, even though he claims to really likes me, and says that I "get" him, he's comfortable and has fun with me, blah, blah, blah. But as he puts it, he has a mental block about getting too close to anyone--he calls it his "emotional condom"--so, bottom line, he's unavailable for more than the occasional "good time" and that's not enough for me. So I have to move on, because that's not enough, just like your friendship isn't enough for you. It's hard enough with not seeing M/A, so I can't imagine what it's like having to see this guy every day.
Anyway, sorry to go on about me...I'm just telling you this so you know I have at least an *idea* of what you're going through.
I think the best thing to do, as hard as it is, is to tell him that you need to distance yourself for the time being until you can get over your romantic feelings for him (he knows you feel that way about him, right?) since he doesn't want a relationship with you. Telling him will make it easier to actually create the distance, so he doesn't do things like come and sit down in your office. I would also make it clear to him that if at some point he changes his mind about wanting a romantic relationship with you, you would be more than happy to consider it, but in the meantime, you need distance so you can move on.
But if you're not willing to tell him (can you explain why you don't want to?), I'm not sure what to say, because if you try to pull back the amount that you need to in order to move on, he'll most likely be confused and hurt by it. And if you don't pull back more than you already have, you'll just continue to be in this painful limbo indefinitely.
Sheri
Oh where do I start? This man and I talked for 6 hours the first night after his boss played matchmaker(my young co-worker whom I have successfully distanced myself and can remain friends with quite easily so I know how to do it even with seeing him daily)and during that conversation he was adamant about the fact that he didn't think he could do a relationship with me. He knows very clearly that I like him that way so that isn't in question here. When we talked about all of it that night he made it clear that he didn't know for sure on what he wanted to do. Towards the end of the conversation I gave him his out when he fretted one more time about being confused and not knowing what he wanted to do in regards to me. So I blatantly said..."Then lets just forget about it and just be coworkers..." The longest pause of uncertainty came from him while he agonized over what he wanted to do and finally said..."No, let's try this." And he did great at first.....and really up to about 3 months ago. Our job is very stressful and he spends his days on the phones talking to customer's who we've identified as fraudulent people and let me tell you how these people react when you tie up their money....they scream and he is so sensitive that it just kicks his butt every single day. He also has health issues and financial issues that just wear on him. All of these issues makes me want to just slide backwards to where we started....coworkers....without putting any more burden on this man as he already has.
I guess what I think is he wants me to go away. It would be so much easier if I gave up on him (in his mind) then if he asked me to go away. A few months back I asked him if we were okay because that's when it started falling apart in my eyes. He looked at me like I was nuts and said when the time comes and "we" aren't okay he will surely tell me. Well he hasn't. The man next to me knows him well and can see how he looks at me and suggests I not give up on him and says that W is just confused and he will eventually figure it out. I doubt that at this point.
I just feel like I am in that Groundhog movie. Each day is miserably the same. I love my job but I just struggle through it every day going home every single day wounded and scared. It's killing me health-wise. Sometimes it seems like I can't breathe.
I can hear the conversation if I decided to tell him I need the distance to be able to return to being friends. "I told you this is the way I was..." Oy Vay.....the typical back up for those little wounded humans. He lives and breathes his X-Box which is broken right now and he is so mired down in his aloneness to break free and explore love. And the hardest part is I respect his fears and don't want to hurt him anymore than he is hurt from everything else. I also think he is real close to losing his job as well. The pressure here is tremendous.
So I just keep on and on and on and can't get through this. It wouldn't do me any good to ask for distance because he's still over there and I would be miserable because he doesn't speak to me. I am 47 years old and going through this.......life bites sometimes.
Thanks Sheri!!
Kiki
And I wanted to add a statement in regards to him being hurt if I just distance myself from him....I cannot fathom this man caring whether I go away or not. If he isn't brave enought to pursue this relationship than he doesn't care enough to be wounded if I disappeared. (As well as I can disappear at the workplace.)
I know that statement is harsh and probably very untrue but it's the only way I can think due to his actions.
Kiki
Yes, I remember you posting about him back then and I think I posted to you at the time about what a challenge this would be given his issues. I'm sorry that he hasn't been able to move past his issues and open up more. It must be so frustrating. My M/A guy even said that part of why he doesn't get more involved with me is that he realizes I'm someone he could fall for, so he keeps me at a distance because he doesn't want that. How messed up is that???? But all either of us can do is accept that these guys are "broken" in some fundamental way that doesn't allow them to have a healthy relationship. Have you read the analogy of the broken popcorn machine that's been posted on these boards from time to time? I'll see if I can dig it up...but it's like that.
Anyway...if you do talk to him and he says "I told you so" you could say something like, "I thought I could deal with it but it's too painful so I need to take a break from our friendship for the time being". Anyway, my thought was that, yes, of course it will still be painful to distance yourself but it will be easier if he's not behaving like everything's hunky dory and coming to sit in your office for his break, things like that.
I hope you're able to do something that helps, I know the painful limbo is the worst place to be.
Sheri
I like to think that he keeps his distance because of how he feels. If he only felt like a "friend" it would be easier. He use to come to my office and visit almost daily and a whole lot more things like calling me when he was at the laundromat so I can entertain him. All that has gone away. That is why sitting in my chair was so important. It was something he hadn't done before. Being so close to me and that was last week and I just feel lost. He has been at his desk all day but his IM is offline which he never does. I had it worked in my head that he was blocking me. By the time I left the office I just wanted to sit down and cry my eyes out. This isn't unusual these days. I can't keep going like this.
I know what I have to do and I know that there isn't anything there between us. I remind myself 50 times a day but I miss him. His smile, his smell and just him. He is broken and I knew I couldn't fix him and I don't want to change him I just want to love him. He has no idea how this whole thing would be if given the opportunity. I think he punishes himself for his failed marriage and his solitude is what he feels he deserves.
Thanks Sheri. I knew you would be able to assist me and you have. You basically told me I am not crazy and this is normal. My heart is broken and I need to move on. I am so afraid that he will just let me go.
Thanks again!!
Kiki
Thanks for the response. I appreciate the thought.
F
In a situation like this I have some success with the following: I turn my thinking from "I would like to be with him" to "I would like to be with SOMEONE LIKE him". Then I proceed to pick apart this guy and detail all the things I don't like about him, wouldn't like about him, things we would disagree on, etc, large and small. I don't need to put myself down in the process, I make it all about him. If I think I need to change something about myself to make him like me, I decide that is too darn much work. If I have to make something up, I will, but to be honest, once you shift your focus to the negative, it is pretty darn easy to find things that aren't going to work for you. Once I have knocked him off his pedestal (the one I put him on while imagining our perfect life together), I come to realize that he is a human being with flaws and farts.
Now that he is in the category of "someone like him" i can blend his positives with the postitives of other guys in that group and readjust the total picture a bit.
Very good suggestions!! He has plenty of negatives and I might benefit from writing them down to remind me. Everything is the same and I know I have to find a new way of handling this.
Thanks for your suggestion I will certainly try it. I got to try everything.
F