Is it safe to ask about cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Is it safe to ask about cheating?
10
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:06pm

So I met an OLD guy last Friday for drinks and we ended up staying out from 7PM-3AM and had a fantastic time (he kissed me goodnight, but nothing scandalous…and no, we didn’t drink all that time:). He asked me out again two days later and, once again, we had a great time. Now, we have plans for tomorrow and Friday. He’s flat out said several times that he really likes me.

The problem?

He reminds me of an ex from long ago (they look similar, have a lot of similar interests, etc.). That ex was my “first love” (and the only time I’ve actually felt like I was in love, actually) and it ended terribly after a few years with him cheating on me and me turning down a proposal for marriage. I’m scared that I won’t be able to give this new guy a fair chance because of this.

Is it out of line to ask this new guy if he’s ever cheated on a previous girlfriend? Should I wait a few more dates before going there? I mean, obviously, he has every right to be seeing other women at this point (it's only been a week!), but I want to know if fidelity has been an issue in his serious relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:11pm
I think it's OK to ask this guy how he feels about cheating, honesty, etc., but I would do it without going into the whole, 'you remind me so much of my cheating ex.' Whatever you do, don't go there--it would freak him out. I am sure he is trustworthy.

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:13pm
Oh God, that would be terrible - I would never say that! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:18pm

I think it's fine, however, to ask how a guy feels about fidelity. In the beginning, the first few dates are like interviews, so it's ok to ask. Better to know up front.

I think it's also normal to attribute certain characteristics to someone who looks like an ex, but remember that they are not your ex and deserve a fair chance. Plus, it sounds like you like this guy : )

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:19pm
If it were me, I might wait a couple of dates. However, it can definitely be something that you discuss in the whole getting to know you process -- usually you end up talking about past relationships anyway, so that would be a good time to bring it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:58pm

Well, I think this is really a tough one. Because do you really think that if someone IS a cheater that they are likely to be completely honest about it to some woman they have been on two dates with? 99 out of 100 people if you ask them straight up how they feel about cheating and fidelity will likely say, "Oh, cheating is horrible. I'd never do it." And a cheater is also a liar so chances are, he's not going to come right out and say, "Yep, I cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had".

It's really a double-edged sword because you don't know for sure if the answer you're getting is the truth. IMO, this IS a conversation that needs to happen, but it's one that should happen more naturally and as a part of conversation about relationships in general.

Last, while I know it's tough, you have to try not to compare this guy to your ex. Yes, he looks like him and has a lot of characteristics of him, but he is NOT him. He deserves a chance to prove himself for HIM and not be compared to some jerk he just happens to resemble. ;-)

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:16am

I would think if the guy has half a brain in his head he would say that of course he does not cheat and has never done that. It's like asking if s/he lies. What are they going to say?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:44am

If he cheats on women, he's probably become a good liar, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:56am

I'm glad you've met someone you like. Yes, it is way too soon to get into the fidelity issue. Give it some time, be patient, and don't smother him with the third degree.

And remember that he is who he is and doesn't deserve to have the negatives of your ex transferred to him.

Women seem to always want to analyze every facet of a relationship and their man, they want to dig way too deep sometimes.

Just relax and enjoy what you have and be thankful you've met a nice man who enjoys your company

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:03am

Hi, I want to second the comments about how asking him about fidelity won't help. I may be out of practice with dating, but I know a lot about dealing with people. You don't find out about people's "crimes" by asking them directly. The best thing is to go about it indirectly.

In the course of ordinary conversation, you can bring up movies that have infidelity of some sort and steer the discussion towards how the characters behave, their motives, etc. Or you can talk about people you know and how this or that relationship has been affected by cheating. A guy who is a cheater (or who sees the cheating as okay) is more likely to reveal himself in discussing the behavior of others than if you ask him about his own experiences/behavior. For instance, if he is sympathetic to the motives of a cheater, or is insistent that a woman who has been cheated on should give the guy a second chance, or whatever, you are getting a clue to what he may expect in his own relationships.

Good luck with this, and I agree with the others-- if you are only concerned about his fidelity because he reminds you of your cheating ex, you need to talk yourself out of it. Sit down and think about ways in which they are different and YOU are different now than before.

Not all guys who look like your ex are going to be like your ex.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:42am
No, no, no, no, no!!!

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